Another pleasant valley sunday

So, today I gave Joe the ultimatum talked Joe into going to Church.  I sometimes think going to Church is harder on Joe than me for some reason that I have yet to uncover.  Grandma & Grandpa were there along with Cousin K.  Zbear was really excited to see Cousin K and kept yelling her name all around the foyer and wouldn't get out of the doorway so other people could get in.  (#1 of "really?!?")

Bub was pretty excited too.  I had him come over to say hi to one of the ladies that has always taken a very kind and caring interest of Bub, and he came over ("really?!?" #2) and dashed away making Momma (me) chase him up the alter area.  So I guess he didn't want to say "hi".  Puff.

then "really?!?" #3- during announcements, he did it again.  yeah.  But it was ok.  no one flipped out at us.

Now, for some heart-wrenching confessions:
one of my previously unpublished and untalked about reasons for avoiding going to church was right in my face today.  I have been praying a lot about forgiving such a small thing, but it was really hurtful to me and I have been having a very difficult time letting go, and it has been one of the reasons Joe and I have not been going to Church for a while. (FYI- Joe likes to give in to me when he can)
  
Background ramble:
A person did a small thing in June when I was really emotionally fragile after a very hard event at work, but at the time I felt really betrayed because of it.  I had really loved this person and looked up to her.  and I really don't even know why she did what she did, and I suspect by the way she was acting today she doesn't even realize she hurt me.  But hurt I was, and it was kind of ironic because some long time before June I had spent time trying to build her (the person that hurt me) up after she had been hurt by someone else who (now seeing in perspective) probably had no idea that she had hurt the first person in the first place. 

(you try writing about convoluted crap without naming names and see how clear you can be....)  

Anyhow, so I had decided to not go to that particular Church for a awhile because I was angry and hurt and didn't feel that I would have a heart of worship if I was there and seething about this person, nor did I feel that I had my hurt enough under control to confront this person in a loving way.  I was feeling very unloving towards her.  I had tried to go to Church, and all I could do was feel mad and not concentrate on the service and stare at her back and hair and be angry and think very unkind thoughts.  Made me feel like a hypocrite.  I hate hypocrites.
At least I have enough right about me to have realized I was not right in this.  So in my patented way of dealing with emotional baggage that overwhelms me, I ran away.  Yes, apparently I can read Jonah, and it can be my favorite and the most meaningful book in the OT to me, and Yes, I apparently learn nothing from it- or I should say, I learn the WRONG thing from it.
We tried going to other Churches, but they didn't feel right.  yet another little voice saying, "nina, you are a dumbass.  deal with the problem, stop running away"

So today, day 1 dealing with the problem.  I was polite.  I didn't sit behind her.  I focused on the message.  I had my usual little thought about how I wished they didn't play music during the prayer because it distracts me.  She came up and hugged me and told me she missed me.  I smiled and said "thanks" and got a little less bent out of shape, and felt a little less like a hypocrite.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to confront her about hurting me, but at least I don't feel as angry as I did, and maybe some love is creeping back in.

WOW! Thank you secret valentine! part 2

I am speechless at how thoughtful Ronja Zigler is.  completely.   Thank you SOOO much!

The pretty ring!

Fuel for my all things Gallifrey obsession!

Nicey-nice Eternity products & hand-sanitizer.  How did you figure out it's my fav?!?!?!?!

An awesome knitted sampler square

This is the BEST!  Like the Kit-Kat Commercial!!!!  LOVE IT

Do need to make a quick aside...I loved this so much I put it up on my fridge...however, Bub also liking the picture very much indeed somehow felt it necessary to sneak it off the fridge into his room where he felt he must add to the wonderfulness of this drawing by coloring in the first row of Dalek bumps.   Yeah, that's my Bub.  I have rescued this fab work of art and am now contemplating where I can display it w/o any chances of further embellishment.  lol-kinda.

Thank you so much, I have been in such a funk lately and your thoughfulness has really cheered me up.  :)

Nubs!!!!!!

WOW! Thank you secret valentine!

Doctor who drawings, eternity stuff! I am SOOOO excited!  but I got it on my way out to work, and just got home from a crazy nite, so I will say a quick "THANK YOU! " and give a bigger one later in the day (or after tomorrow cuz I -maybe- work again tonite)...may be on call...may be in NICU or Mother/Baby...work is always an adventure! 

Nubs!

Thank you secret valentine & happy birthday Zbear!

Firstly, Thank you secret valentine from Cheeseblarg  for the lovely ring!  Joe & I decided years ago that nicey-niceys like jewelry, flowers, etc... were not as important as funding our Bub's therapies, so I have not gotten any in a long time (well, I have bought watches, but that's for work so I can time pulses and RR and IV pushes....and I get cheap <$10 ones..)  It was a very nice surprise!  But I don't know who you are!  there was no note, so thank you nameless valentine!  you made the day even nicer!  (Thank you Jodee for organizing the fun!)

So yesterday, at 2pm I decided I HAVE to do something for Z's birthday and not be super pathetic like I have been for the last few weeks.  So I called Grandma & my Sister-in-law's family and invited them over for cake/INFORMAL dinner.  at first everyone was coming, but in actuality, only Grandma came, Cousin K and Uncle K have been sick this week, so they decided to stay home...which was TOTALLY fine because I gave them what...a 2.5hr notice?  like I say, I-suck, I just wanted them to know they were welcome.

That said, w/ Bub's food allergies, desserts are always a challenge, and I get tired of making the same "safe" cakes over and over.  a few weeks ago I came across a recipe in one of my magazines for "Turtle-cake bars", it sounded so yummy, but they aren't an option as I have yet to find ANY caramel that is safe for Bub, even home-made (fyi- I am NOT good at making home-made candies...except chocolate dipped pretzels w/ sprinkles....)  But I thought I could do some kind of S'more thing.... 

So I made up a recipe.  I don't do that for desserts.  Main courses, yes.  Desserts, no.  But I did.  I made a s'more cake!  Bub ate 3 pieces.  Joe liked it, and GRANDMA liked it.  (she doesn't usually like most of Bub's safe desserts...she likes stuff w/ lots of butter, condensed milk, and whipped cream/cool whip- all off limits in this house)  so here's what it looked like:

Z loved the balloons Grandma got her...so did Bub.  in fact, Bub loved all the presents she got (although he did get his own presents too) and we had a mini-meltdown after having to break up an "argument" over who got to play with which toy first....but cake seems to cure sulking after melt-down-time-out, so happiness prevailed in the end.

behold the festivities!

Bub trying very hard to be patient

surprise, Joe took this picture....

Rapunzle...just wish I could find one that had her after her hair turned brown to match my Z

Nubs!

Bub had her beat by 11 months: Autism learning?

Last nite, while I was at work...changing teeney-tiny poopie diapers, mind you...My Zbug discovered how to get out of her crib by herself & sneak up on daddy to deliver a mini-heart-attack surprise.  plus before she came out to scare daddy, she pulled down a dress from a hanger and played "dress-up pretty".

Bub figured out how to crawl fall out of his crib at 13 months.  Z learned to do it 2 days b4 she turned 2.  So what does that mean?   was it that Bub is more physically driven to learn and perfect certain physical tasks as quickly as possible, or that Z's learning is more faceted than Bub's was and she focuses on multiple tasks that are completed at a slower rate vs Bub who gets "stuck" on a task and does it over and over until he feels he's perfected it, and then keeps doing it after it's perfected because it has now become a ritual?

this learning difference in the two of them has me laughing and sad at the same time.

Bub surprised me today, he came running out of his room naked...which usually means some sort of bodily material has exited his body and is lying in wait for me on his floor..but there wasn't anything on the floor.  so I took him to the bathroom expecting him to pee...cuz he prolly started in his pants stopped when he realized it, and stripped to go...but then got distracted.  So he pees then sits down on the potty and poops!  I am super proud of him.

He got all confused on how to wipe up afterwards....so momma had to help teach that.  yayee me.  (no)

It's so odd how he does things, and his rate of learning.  He will get something for a day, then regress for weeks as if he's "thinking about it", then out of the blue he'll try it again...and again, nothing for a while.  then one day he just "gets" it and then does it the right way almost always after that.  it's so odd, and frustrating to deal with.  Joe hopes verbalization will happen this way.  I'm just happy Bub understands speech and directions.

anyhow.  I'm tired, NICU shifts wipe me out.  It's funny when you consider most NICU babies are under 3lbs and they just kick my a**.  but there it is.

nite...off to make Zbug a birthday cake for her "towe" birthday tomorrow.  :)
Nubs

well, that's another...maybe I should worry.

last week I was put on LOA all three of my shifts.  Thankfully, I was able to pick up one in the NICU, and another at my PRN job.  last night I got LOA'd again, but I will be picking up a shift tonight,...in the NICU.

sigh


Anyhow, I made up Bub's Valentine day party "Bags".  I got all the stuff to have a nice bag for the kids, and then forgot to get bags.  So they are in ziplock baggies.  I swear, I don't mean to be shabby, it just seems to happen.  But I got Bub to give starbursts (one of a few gfcf candies I can buy at a normal store), a valentine day eraser, a valentine stencil/ruler, and a card.  Plus wonderful Hubby Joe signed us up to bring plates, utensils, etc... for the party...last august...and I found out on Friday.  joy.

I hope whoever supplies the cake/cookies supplies something Bub can have, and the other kiddo in the class who is gfcf.  But I doubt it.  I think I will make Bub a treat for at home once Joe takes Zbug to the healthy-hideaway.

nubs

so where is the panic?

So the last three days I have been sitting up all night in my scrubs playing FF13 waiting for a call from work telling me there are enough sick kiddos in the hosp for me to work.  the last three days I have been on call.  Our unit has been on minimal staffing, which means, 1 charge nurse, and one PCT.  that's it.  me and another nurse have been just sitting at home, waiting to find out if we have to go to work or not.

I don't have enough PTO to cover this.

I am not panicking, and I don't know why I am not.  I am continuing to feel listless tho.

I told Joe we would pick up Turbo tax today and I'll do our taxes.  if it's like last year, we should be fine...no new dishwasher after all, cuz that's what we were thinking about getting with our refund.  (FYI- our current dishwasher is called "Nina and Joe"   It would be nice if our current dishwasher was called "Nina, Joe, and Bub", but all Bub does at the sink is play with bubbles and fill up cups with water of varying levels of volume.  ...and giggles.)

we also have to get new shoes for Bub, sometime yesterday he managed to rip the sole off the OUTSIDE of the shoe...we discovered this as he came home w/ a duct-taped foot.  the shoe was somewhere in the duct-tape.  Bub liked his shiny silver shoe and didn't want to take it off.  Z thought it was nice too.  Today Bub is sporting his 6month-ago shoes which thankfully are not TOO small for one day.  I don't think Bub gets PE, so he'll prolly be ok.

I am trying to get Zbug to count to two since she will be that old next week.  I can get her to point w/ one finger.  I can get her to verbalize "two"   (but it sounds more like "Towe")  I can't get her to do both fingers.  Bub gets frustrated with her lack of progress, he has figured out what I am doing.  (!!!!)  and he grabs little Z's hand and tries to make 2 of her fingers point up...which she doesn't like and then starts crying and bapping Bub which then concludes our little lesson for the day. 

Joe continues with his project: a chain-mail duster. (over-coat, trench-coat, whatever you want to call it.)  He shows me his progress everyday.  I can't lift this thing up anymore.  He says he's almost happy with the shoulders and collar.  He's as happy as a clam.  made me look at some clasps he wants to order for it when he's done.    I smile cuz he's happy.

nubs

LOA'd

I got a call that I am LOA'd from my shift tonite.  (LOA- leave of absence d/t not enough sick people in my unit to justify paying me today, and not enough sick people on our sister units to justify floating me today).  So I'm on call for a few hours, in case enough people get sick to justify paying me to come it.

Anyhow.  I've been not here.  I've been really blah.  I have no idea why.  I think Joe is really getting tired of it. I am, but I can't kick it.  I have a couple of days in a row when I feel good, get the house clean, cook a bunch of good things for the kids and make up easy to "cook" stuff for Joe to serve up the kids when I'm at work...and then I go blah and sit around sighing and not doing anything.

well, today is a little better, did my hair and makeup before I got the call, Zber joined me in te bathroom and got a "pretty" in her hair (barrette) and some green eyeshadow on and some chapstick.  she's was strutting her stuff for about 2 min before everything got smeared and the Pretty got pulled out of the hair and found it's way to her mouth.  silly little girl.


Her birthday is next week. I have nothing planned.  I suck.

useful applications of PALS around the home...

so today, Little Z gave momma a retro panic attack.  Why retro?  because I didn't have time to panic during the episode and the Nurse in me kicked into automatic without even thinking...

I made her sausage and fried potatoes for breakfast.  She wasn't really into the potatoes, but she was going nuts on the sausage.  Kept shoving small pieces in her mouth, and then forgot how to swallow correctly.

It was a classic episode of infant choking...hands to the neck, eyes watering, face getting red, no vocal output.  Didn't even blink, just pulled her out of the highchair and started doing the pediatric version of heimlech until there was a lovely spray of half-chewed sausage on the floor and a full volume of crying and wailing. 

after I checked her out and she was all smiles and dimples again, I allowed the panic to emerge.

anyone with small children:  take the time to learn Child & Infant CPR.  it is worth the small fee and day in a classroom setting to have the knowledge and instant reaction to a situation that could be absolutely heartbreaking.

Nubs.

"happiness prevails!"

(one of my favorite quotes from a villian)  lol

Found out yesterday my mom is going to visit us during Bub's spring break.  SO excited to have her with us for 2 weeks...now I just have to wait for spring break.  Wish she could be here for Easter, but spring break and Easter don't coincide anymore.  (boo)

Other than that, I've just been keeping on keeping on.  Seems as if I've hit some kind of period of nothingness.  Just don't have the energy or desire to do anything beyond work and making sure the kids are fed on a timely basis...and not just chicken nuggets, hotdogs and ramen which is what they would eat constantly if Joe had his way (oy vey)  I'm trying to kick my own ass and get going, but it just doesn't seem to work.  I'm hoping to turn this around soon....I know Joe is starting to get flustered, and since Zber is turning 2 next month, I can't claim post-partum  blues...not that I would minimize that for ANYONE who suffers that, but it's kinda how I feel lately. 

anyhow, Bub is doing well w/ writing.  he's mastered his alphabet and name, we have at least 5 dry-erase boards for him now of different and varying sizes...but he is still managing to write on the walls.  at least we are able to clean them semi-easily... thank the Lord for whoever invented the magic erasers!! 

Z is enjoying a book we got out of a "Hooked on Phonics" kid (for Bub originally) called "Pop Pop POP!"  It's about ...popcorn.  surprise.  I even got her to say "pop" a couple of times yesterday.  yayee!

Loves and Nubs to all.

N

new year, and signs of empathy?

Happy New Year.  Sorry December posts lagged a bit.  Was dealing w/ 2 kiddo's that kept passing their tummy and resp. illnesses to each other and to me and Joe.  Plus working. Plus the everyday challenges of life w/ a toddler and a special needs Bub.  But Bub has been doing really well.  He's writing his alphabet correctly and independently, and his name, and number up to at least 30.  He very fascinated w/ writing right now.  It's very rewarding to see this as a parent.

Then there was yesterday morning.  Joe had an ingrown hair on his neck that was starting to look ookie.  I finally convinced him to let me "fix" it so it wouldn't get all infected and gruesome.  So I'm going at this w/ a tissue and tweezers (sterilized....)  and Bub comes in the room and sees me performing this "operation" on Joe and got really upset and tried to push me away from his daddy. If he was talking I'm sure he would have said, "Mommy, STOP hurting Daddy!  You're making him bleed!!!!"  We both tried to tell Bub that I wasn't hurting Daddy and that I was trying to make his boo boo better, but he ran off to his room very disturbed.  After I finished, I went and got 2 bandaids and asked Bub if he wanted to put a bandaid on Daddy's boo boo.  He did!  He put it on very carefully, and then decided he needed one too.  and the once Daddy was better w/ a bandaid, he completely cheered up.


It was really touching to see that he was worried about Joe, and wanted to help him.  Yayee for my Bub.  :)

PALS PALS PALS

Finished day 1 of PALS (Pediatric Advanced Life Support)

You know what I learned today?!?  I learned I should get down on my knees and thank God every day I leave work and didn't have to deal w/ a code that day.

Does that sound really bad?  I didn't mean it to.  I'm not trying to say I'm shit when it comes to dealing w/ a life-threatening situational crisis.  The few times I've had to deal w/it  I've been able to stay calm and think clearly and act correctly and effectively, or at least efficiently.

It's kinda scary...all of us in the class are experienced pedi Healthcare workers, and we get the senario, and we look at this doll-thing that's supposed to be a kid, and we all freeze up.  then they play a little video clip of the same senario they just described to us and we're all shouting possiblities out to each other and talking about what steps we would do.

I think it's the mannequins.  they eff us up.  you look at this flesh-colored piece of plastic w/ a bag poking out from the seams of its "chest" that's supposed to be the lungs, and no matter how OBVIOUS the clues are about what is supposed to be wrong, we just see this lifeless piece of plastic sitting there and our minds go collectively blank, and we start thinking about how we are going to fail the mega-code tomorrow afternoon...

well, I did.  And so did 2 other people I talked to about it.  So I'm sure there were more....except for the ONE person who is very loud, very in your face, and very "I know everything" and then has the gall to prove that she does.

It was like being in class with the Martha Stewart of Nursing....  You know she's good, but you want to smack her anyway, but you sure would be glad she's around when you have a kid that goes bad...and that just makes you hate her even more.  lol.  kinda.....


Tho- it was neat practicing a mock I/O insertion.  Tho I doubt I will ever get to try it in real life unless I float to E.D.

Must remember:
Epi- 0.01 mg/kg (1:10000) IV/IO q3-5min  max dose- 1mg
Epi- 0.1-1mcg/kg/min infusion
Epi- 0.1 mg/kg ET q3-5min


nubs

froggie in my window -II

My froggie came back today.  He disappeared a few days ago when we hit a low temp of 30-some degrees.  I was afraid he died and fell off the window as a frozen froggie popsicle that some wandering local fauna found and enjoyed as a late fall treat...but he must have burrowed into the mud that was created by the 3-days of rain right before the cold snap and had a mini-hibernation.

Now it is "warm" again (60's) and he has emerged to climb up to my kitchen window and let me look at his belly stuck to the glass.

I like this froggie...I hope I can get a camera to snap a picture of him before he disappears again.  Joe hints at it since my birthday is only a few days away...but I'm not holding my breath.  And even if I do get a new camera, I'm sure Bub will be plotting it's demise as soon as he lays eyes on it.  lol


Going bed, having some kind of allergic reaction to I have no idea what, and the benadryl x2 is starting to make me all loopy.

nubs.

The things my parents did to us...episode Ghandi

Today, for some reason Joe and I were talking & I brought up the memory that my parents once took us to see the movie "Ghandi" which is a very long movie.  I think I was 5 or 6, so Ross was like 4 or so, and Anya was around 10 or 11.  I'm pretty sure it was a theater in Uptown on Lake or Lindale.  All I really remember was that it was a LOOONG movie, and very boring.  It was the only time in my life that I remember my dad giving us money to get us our of his hair...usually he threatened us w/ "the Belt"  (which I did get once...but that's another story....) to keep us in line, but I suspect he refrained from that threat (which usually ended in terrified screams and tears) because we were in public and he actually wanted to watch the movie and not have to comfort 3 squalling kids and not get "the look" from my mom. 

So I'm describing this to Joe, how me and Ross bought jujubees, and that it was the worst dried up and old candy we had ever had and how we snuck up to the balcony and tried to hit people w/ the jujus, and how Anya was hissing at us that we would get a huge spanking from dad at home if w didn't stop...and it occured to me....WHY did they bring us to a 4+hr long documentary-like movie?

I called them today to find out.  They claim not to remember exactly.  I asked if it was because they didn't/couldn't find a babysitter?  Dad said he wanted us to learn something.  (he was laughing while telling me this)

I remember lots of different babysitters and only a few that we had more than one time.  I am starting to suspect that the three of us were the "Calvin and Hobbs" of the neighborhood when we were little.

she must have some sharp incisors...

So I'm helping Bub make orange koolaid.  even tho he won't hold up just 3 fingers when I ask him how many is three he stops getting more sugar after putting three 1/4 c. sugar into the pitcher.  I think I can safely assume he DOES in fact understand the concept of "how many is three"  (small flashback to the song on sesame street where the baker drops all his pastries over himself as he walks down the stairs...seriously...why would you carry 12 banana cream pies down a flight of stairs all by yourself?!?!?)song of three

Anyhow....While I'm adding the water Z comes over to see the action.  I didn't actually see this, but this is my interpretation of what happened, because I turned around to a double scream and Bub holding his pointer finger out like it hurt....

I think Bub decided to be naughty and stick his finger in Z's mouth.  Z has had enough of Bub sticking his finger in her mouth, and bit down.  hard. 

Bub's crying, Z is looking confused and I am trying so hard not to laugh, spill the koolaid, and call for Joe to come over and help, and stop Bub before he starts hitting someone or something with his hurt finger because that's what he does when he's hurting.

I fail at not laughing.

I succeed in keeping Bub from hitting people or things.   Bub is mad at me for laughing, but then decides to laugh bc Momma laughing is pretty funny.  (at least I don't snork when I laugh...)

Oh the joys of my kiddos...

My coffee gets stolen every day

My kiddo's are little coffee-grubbers.  They don't go after Joe's coffee very often, mainly mine.  Prolly cuz I put Silk and sugar in mine, and Joe prefers his black, mainly.

I get me a cup and sit on the couch, first comes Z pretending she wants a hug, but really she's just sidling up to sneak my spoon and then try to sneak out coffee w/ the spoon.  Then Bub realizes I have coffee.  He doesn't even try to be sneaky.  He just grabs the cup, giggles and takes a few swigs.

It's a good thing I don't drink beer.  lol

Joe has found a solution to the red permanent marker Bub decorated his walls with.  It comes off if you rub Shout Stain Stick on it and let it sit overnite.  It wipes off w/ a wet rag.  I tried everything on it, Magic Erasers, nail polish remover, scary recipes I found on the internet and Pintrest...use the stain stick.  I would have never guessed.  Joe is amazing.

Must go, I work tonight, and I'm going back to a wonder winterland of RSV+

Nubs.

As I wrote this, Bub snuck in the kitchen and poured out half a bottle of Dawn on the floor.  Mr. Man is now washing the kitchen floor since he has to clean it up anyway.  Sad part, he's still laughing as he's scrubbing the floor.  How can we really be mad about it?  :)

Little frog in my kitchen window.

There is a little frog that lives on the outside of my kitchen window.  He's been living there for about 2 weeks.  Every morning I go check to make sure he didn't die of "cold" (it's TX- it's not REALLY cold....) because I really don't want to scrape froggy corpse off my window before breakfast.  But he's just sitting there, suctioned to some section of my kitchen window.  He likes it there cuz we leave a lite on in the kitchen all night, so the bugs visit, and he gets free meals w/ no work.  He's a smart little froggie.

A few days ago, Joe and Bub were outside in the back yard burning leaves.  I tapped on the window (from inside) and pointed out the froggy to Bub.  He came over, wasn't sure what the froggy was, so he touched it, realized it was a frog, got scared and ran away.  Joe was watching this, thought it was funny, got the frog off the window and tried to get Bub to hold it.  Bub wasn't having any of that.  He is deeply afraid of all reptiles, amphibians, and birds.  I have no idea why. He loves mammals, we have yet to meet a marsupial.., but anyhow, he's afraid of the froggy, and runs away.  Joe puts the froggy back on the window (very relieved froggy, I'm sure...).  And then what does he do?  he pretends he has a frog in his cupped hands and chases Bub around the yard.

 loverly.

Me waxing on religion and prolly pissing you off....

I read this comment on a blog I'm not naming...really because I'm trying to learn "Blog etiquette" here.  I'm not upset w/ the commenter, and the commenter is entitled to their own opinion, and I don't want to be seeming to "attack" someone or their point of view or be seen to be doing so...  But I just wanted to explain to myself why this comment upset me.  What was it exactly that struck a discord.  and I don't really want to have a discussion about it with the author, I just want to self-analyze....so here goes.  

"It is great to reflect however, on what Christmas means if you are not Christian or Jewish. Perhaps we should pay a little more attention to celebrating and respecting other religious festivals.

Not as a "token" form of respect, rather, a "let's take a day in the life of this religion and learn about it by doing". It could be fun. Our kids could learn by doing, and understand that at the end of the day who cares what religion you follow, as long as you respect everyone else's."

This comment upset me quite a bit.  Not for the reasons you prolly are thinking...  Mostly I'm disturbed by the idea of learning a different religion by doing.  I'm sorry, but find that an antithesis of my principles.  and I am at a loss of words to explain why I find this so offensive, which makes me question 2 things about myself....

1- is this upset a conflict of deeply rooted tennets of my personal faith, or is the idea of participating in some other religion's ritual upsetting to me.

I'm going to admit something here....When I am w/ people who openly admit to me that they believe in a different faith system than I do, I will respectfully listen to their prayer, ritual, meditation, etc...but I will NOT participate.  To participate is to minimize my beliefs, and one thing I hold true- if you do not stand for what you believe in, then you do not really believe in anything.  I have dear ones in my life that start prayers w/ "Mother/Father god"  I listen respectfully to them expressing their beliefs, but I do NOT pray with them, I pray for them, I pray about what they are concerned about, but I will not pray to what/who they pray to.  I love them very much, but I don't and won't compromise my faith and beliefs to mollify anyone else, not would I expect or ask anyone else to do that for me.  I may ask them to share what they believe, and I am willing to share what I believe and discuss the differences/similarities, but I will not participate.    

2- Why do I totally disagree w/ "...at the end of the day who cares what religion you follow, as long as you respect everyone else's"  ?

I think you can and should care about what religion you follow. You can and should care about what religions others follow.  the other person's choice of belief is their own, but you should care about what they choose.  you can care about what religions others in you life follow AND be respectful.  What they believe will affect how they act, learning about what they believe and respecting it (without participating/practicing) will help your relationship with that person, and better communication, b/c you can figure out ahead of time how NOT to piss them off w/ a stupid statement you find acceptable but is wildly offensive to their beliefs.

Learning about a religious system/belief and being respectful does not have to include participating in it, and it does make a difference.  Your world view is different based on your starting point.


Nubs

She sleeps all nite now

If I haven't mentioned it yet (I get this and my FB postings confused sometimes), Joe and I converted our overlarge walkin closet into Zbear's new room.  It is awesome.  She doesn't wake up around 3-4am anymore because either Joe or I snorked loudly in our sleep (to be honest...it's prolly ME that wakes her up...I am a wrecking ball when I sleep....Joe occasionally has to run away to the couch cuz I'm all over the place....)

Well, she just loves her new room, she likes to play in there by herself...Bub keeps trying to sneak into her room and steal the toys we have decided to make exclusively for Zbear.  Bub has toys he WILL NOT SHARE.  EVER.  TOUCH ONLY IF YOU WANT TO BE HIT.  yeah.  yayee autism OCD rituals based on toys.  Joe and I want to be equitable w/ our kids.  We will never be fair.  It will always be impossible to be fair when their needs and levels of expectations will always be SO incredibly different. (I will not kid myself about the differences in my kids...not gonna do it...)  So to be equitable, we have decided Z will have 2 or 3 toys that stay in her room, and that Bub can't play with unless she brings it out of her room for him to play with.


Now this resolve is kinda hard, because Bub and Z are starting to enjoy the same kinds of toys, but in different ways.  Bub still really enjoys toys appropriate for 18+ months, but then he also enjoys toys appropriate for his our age group (7 y/o), but he still has some toys from when he was 2 y/o that he will not let go...they are too important to him, the elaborations he sets up with them are too ingrained into his self-ness, I have replaced these toys several times w/ exact replicas as they got loved-on too hard (or covered in poo...sometimes cleaning is not a viable option.....)  So he's grabbing her age appropriate toys and doing his elaboration thing with them, Z is not getting what he is doing and does her deconstructionist act on his elaboration which then ends in multiple kids crying, small toddlers being picked up haphazardly and bounced on the couch, and a 7 y/o banging some portion of his body against the wall.   We like to avoid these activities when possible....  So we pretty much keep special toys in the appropriate rooms and have only generic non-attachment formed toys out in the living room and attempt to keep the siblings out of the other's room.  Not an easy task.  Sometimes Bub wants Z in his room, but then he changes him mind abruptly and she gets upset when he's pushing her out.

we stay busy while they are awake....can you tell?  But so far the new room for Z is working out splendidly.  We have a child-free bedroom once more and are pretty happy about it.

Happy December!  Nubs

Amazing Day, thank you Hartley Family.

Today Joe & I struggled w/ whether or not to brave a church service, and then if we did, what church to go to.  We have been struggling with this for a few months for various reasons, one of which that we publicly acknowledge is that the standard 10-11am service start times really wreck havoc on Zber's nap and the rest of our day is that much harder...and as I have stated before, Sundays are typically hard.

Anyhow, we decided to suck it up and go to our "home" church, mainly because I didn't feel up to being in "make new friends while struggling w/ my run-away son" mode.  it gets hard.  I have to be super cheery to do it.  I'm not super cheery lately.  so we get to church, Zber makes a dash for the nursery...what?  She really wanted to be in the nursery.  who am I to argue w/ my child when she gets a stubborn streak surpassing only her father's?  fine, the lady in the nursery is wonderful, and just loves Zber, so one less distraction to deal w/ while dealing w/ Bub.  I get asked if I want another cat.  ????  no.   Then I get into the sanctuary and note it is set up for a concert.  My whole soul drops to the bottom of my feet.  Bub does not deal w/ loud music well.  Grandma and Grandpa aren't here.  I prepare to leave within 5 min of the music starting.  I hate doing that.  I gear myself up for this, and I will be leaving almost as soon as I get there.

Here is the amazing part:  It was a family that played bluegrass.  Bub was completely mesmerized by this family and their music.  He sat the whole time and listened.  no fussing.  no screaming.  no trying to run away.  He wanted to hold both Joe and my hands.  He wanted me to help him clap in time w/ the music.  He clapped between the songs all by himself w/o any prompting that it was time to clap.

We gave them a large (for us) donation.

I was teary eyed watching Bub enjoy himself so much.

I am a sap.

The music itself was very inspirational.

I need to trust more that God is giving me the right directions, even when I don't feel up to following them and I'm dragging my feet.

After the service I brought Bub up to the leader of the family (the dad) and told him that Bub has never liked live music and has never sat thru an entire service w/o fussing, and that he loved the music so much.  I asked Bub to say "Thank you", and Bub signed "Thank you" and shook his hand.  He asked if Bub was deaf, and I had to explain that Bub has autism, and that he can hear and understand fine, he just can't/won't talk *we're still trying to decide that one*.  He gave us a CD, but I had Joe put some extra cash in the CD donation box.
If you can inspire my son that much, I will throw money at you.  Even tho I'm mostly broke.

If you get a chance check out their website....  The Hartley Family

As always Joe and I got into a "mock" argument about whether or not bluegrass is country.  My stand is that it isn't...bluegrass is to country as dixie is to jazz.    Joe laughed at me.  I know he thinks he's right.  I'll let him think it if it makes him happy, cuz right now...I am super happy.

Nubs.