50cent is a jerk.

well, he is.  anyone who says someone looks "autistic" as an insult is a jerk.

Thank you Holly Robinson Peete for your eloquent and to the point response to the idjit.  (being a jerk he does not get the respect of correct spelling)

Taking down the tweets is such a half-assed response.  get a spine and apologize.

read Holly's letter to the "idjit"

read an article about what the "idjit" said.

I think I need a 50cent version of the "Summer pinata" from Napoleon Dynamite.

autism and being a mom

I stole/copied/borrowed this from my longtime friend and fellow autie mom Jigglypuff:

Autism Strong Mom

At first I was scared and I cried.
And than I looked around.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Autism they said.

Everything seemed different.
But nothing really changed.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Now I no longer cry.

I am an Autism Strong Mom. 

* from the Four Sea Stars Facebook page

This kinda thing upsets me.  I know that seems weird cuz it's obviously supposed to inspire strength and hope and all that jazz.  Not me, don't know why, maybe because I have grown cynical in my 30s, maybe because I cultivated a sarcastic bend in my 20s, who knows, but this pisses me off.

I have yet to met a single autie parent that "no longer cries"  BULL SHIT.  if they put that out they are LYING!!  they are a dirty lying cheat.  or they are the "refrigerator moms" pop psychology believed in for so long.  or they have a crippling addiction to *numbing drug of choice*. 

I will say this and I will stand by it.  No matter how much you love your child, no matter how strong you get, you will cry, you will be angry, you will blame yourself, you will blame your spouse, you will blame anything that makes any kind of reasonable case to have brought this onto your child, you will be flustered, you will be reduced to a crying sobbing heap of person from time to time because of autism.

It won't last.  you will feel better mostly.  Life will become the new normal.  there will be lots of happiness and laughter and love and understanding.  You will feel "autism strong mom"  but it is transitory.  you will only feel it on the "good" days.  

I hope I am not crushing some poor mom who just got a diagnosis and is trying to find something/anything to help her get thru the transition of diagnosis to acceptance.  I don't want to crush you, but neither do I want to lie to you and make you feel like a failure if you don't achieve this level of ...whatever the hell it's trying to set.  Good LORD we have enough problems learning to help our kids, do we have to put up some unrealistic level of acceptance for each other and wave it around other's faces to make us feel better about ourselves while crushing others???  don't we have enough to do other than play HS games?!?   f-that.

I love my son, and I still cry, and I am strong because I'm honest about it.

"

irony

you know what cracks me up in a way that makes me kinda want to cry?

When I'm on facebook and one of my fellow autie-moms posts about a particular challenging behavior, and all the other autie-moms chime in because we deal with it/have dealt with it.

then you see the comment from the "coworker's son" friend.  and at least they are trying to understand

then you look at all the other postings from your friends who have neurotypical kids.  and all you see is a huge gulf in realities.

I have no point other than that.  I guess I'm just tired this week.
N

Another pleasant valley sunday

So, today I gave Joe the ultimatum talked Joe into going to Church.  I sometimes think going to Church is harder on Joe than me for some reason that I have yet to uncover.  Grandma & Grandpa were there along with Cousin K.  Zbear was really excited to see Cousin K and kept yelling her name all around the foyer and wouldn't get out of the doorway so other people could get in.  (#1 of "really?!?")

Bub was pretty excited too.  I had him come over to say hi to one of the ladies that has always taken a very kind and caring interest of Bub, and he came over ("really?!?" #2) and dashed away making Momma (me) chase him up the alter area.  So I guess he didn't want to say "hi".  Puff.

then "really?!?" #3- during announcements, he did it again.  yeah.  But it was ok.  no one flipped out at us.

Now, for some heart-wrenching confessions:
one of my previously unpublished and untalked about reasons for avoiding going to church was right in my face today.  I have been praying a lot about forgiving such a small thing, but it was really hurtful to me and I have been having a very difficult time letting go, and it has been one of the reasons Joe and I have not been going to Church for a while. (FYI- Joe likes to give in to me when he can)
  
Background ramble:
A person did a small thing in June when I was really emotionally fragile after a very hard event at work, but at the time I felt really betrayed because of it.  I had really loved this person and looked up to her.  and I really don't even know why she did what she did, and I suspect by the way she was acting today she doesn't even realize she hurt me.  But hurt I was, and it was kind of ironic because some long time before June I had spent time trying to build her (the person that hurt me) up after she had been hurt by someone else who (now seeing in perspective) probably had no idea that she had hurt the first person in the first place. 

(you try writing about convoluted crap without naming names and see how clear you can be....)  

Anyhow, so I had decided to not go to that particular Church for a awhile because I was angry and hurt and didn't feel that I would have a heart of worship if I was there and seething about this person, nor did I feel that I had my hurt enough under control to confront this person in a loving way.  I was feeling very unloving towards her.  I had tried to go to Church, and all I could do was feel mad and not concentrate on the service and stare at her back and hair and be angry and think very unkind thoughts.  Made me feel like a hypocrite.  I hate hypocrites.
At least I have enough right about me to have realized I was not right in this.  So in my patented way of dealing with emotional baggage that overwhelms me, I ran away.  Yes, apparently I can read Jonah, and it can be my favorite and the most meaningful book in the OT to me, and Yes, I apparently learn nothing from it- or I should say, I learn the WRONG thing from it.
We tried going to other Churches, but they didn't feel right.  yet another little voice saying, "nina, you are a dumbass.  deal with the problem, stop running away"

So today, day 1 dealing with the problem.  I was polite.  I didn't sit behind her.  I focused on the message.  I had my usual little thought about how I wished they didn't play music during the prayer because it distracts me.  She came up and hugged me and told me she missed me.  I smiled and said "thanks" and got a little less bent out of shape, and felt a little less like a hypocrite.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to confront her about hurting me, but at least I don't feel as angry as I did, and maybe some love is creeping back in.