autism and being a mom

I stole/copied/borrowed this from my longtime friend and fellow autie mom Jigglypuff:

Autism Strong Mom

At first I was scared and I cried.
And than I looked around.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Autism they said.

Everything seemed different.
But nothing really changed.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Now I no longer cry.

I am an Autism Strong Mom. 

* from the Four Sea Stars Facebook page

This kinda thing upsets me.  I know that seems weird cuz it's obviously supposed to inspire strength and hope and all that jazz.  Not me, don't know why, maybe because I have grown cynical in my 30s, maybe because I cultivated a sarcastic bend in my 20s, who knows, but this pisses me off.

I have yet to met a single autie parent that "no longer cries"  BULL SHIT.  if they put that out they are LYING!!  they are a dirty lying cheat.  or they are the "refrigerator moms" pop psychology believed in for so long.  or they have a crippling addiction to *numbing drug of choice*. 

I will say this and I will stand by it.  No matter how much you love your child, no matter how strong you get, you will cry, you will be angry, you will blame yourself, you will blame your spouse, you will blame anything that makes any kind of reasonable case to have brought this onto your child, you will be flustered, you will be reduced to a crying sobbing heap of person from time to time because of autism.

It won't last.  you will feel better mostly.  Life will become the new normal.  there will be lots of happiness and laughter and love and understanding.  You will feel "autism strong mom"  but it is transitory.  you will only feel it on the "good" days.  

I hope I am not crushing some poor mom who just got a diagnosis and is trying to find something/anything to help her get thru the transition of diagnosis to acceptance.  I don't want to crush you, but neither do I want to lie to you and make you feel like a failure if you don't achieve this level of ...whatever the hell it's trying to set.  Good LORD we have enough problems learning to help our kids, do we have to put up some unrealistic level of acceptance for each other and wave it around other's faces to make us feel better about ourselves while crushing others???  don't we have enough to do other than play HS games?!?   f-that.

I love my son, and I still cry, and I am strong because I'm honest about it.

"

I'm sure the girl named "Ryan" wished she could bomb me over the phone....

Currently on hold with an online pharmacy that I found that has affordable meds for Bub while we wait for our new insurance to begin in January.  I placed the order on 11/4/11.  On 11/10/11 I was told I should have it yesterday.  I don't.  I know to expect mixups and delays the 1st time using a new service...but come on.  Today is the last day I have his current meds.  I really don't want him to miss a dose.

The website says its being processed...but what does that mean?  that it will be shipped in another week?  It is madness.  All because Bub's med is not a highly used drug, and it's indications for use are limited and must be monitored w/ blood tests and such.  puff.

(Later)

What is really frustrating me right now is that this chick (she said her name was "Ryan", and I responded w/ "really?"  and she got pissed at me...lol) said the payment that I posted on 11/4 for this order didn't go thru until yesterday (11/14), however my bank statement says it cleared on 11/8???  something is not adding up here.  I called back to get an explanation from the manager/supervisor since "Ryan" was prolly lying to me w/ my mocking surprise of her "name", or to be charitable she was reading me a line of crappola that her upity-up told her to spew out at disgruntled part-time housewives like me (having been in middle management at telemarketing companies, I know this to be true since I used to be the manager coaching my employees to read crappola to customers when I knew it was a pile of crappola...which is why I am no longer in telemarketing...but I digress...) so anyhow, I call back, spend 20+ min on permahold, get thru, ask to talk to a supervisor, am told  I will be transfered to said supervisor and then am put on a nameless voicemail...prolly where they put the disgruntled part-time housewives that are barely refraining from swearing and usage of other creative conversational devices.  or maybe this guy had creative listening and thought I said "put me to a nameless voicemail box please"  maybe...I am told I have a MN accent....dontcha know.... puff.

(much later)

I tried to call back again...was again on permahold.  got tired of it and had to give up because I really needed to make dinner for my poor family who had been putting up w/ my dramatic sighs over this all day, plus had to get ready to take Bub to his horseback riding therapy (the only one we can afford right now), and be ready to drive immediately to my PRN job once I dropped him off at home.  so it was busy.  Now that I am home from my 1/2 shift, I logged on to the pharmacy site to see if there has been any change to the status.  SURPRISE.  nothing changed.  sent an offline "instant message" requesting enlightenment and a conversation w/ a supervisor to discuss "Ryan"s snippy attitude with me earlier, because as the day continued, I became more convinced it wasn't me, and I had been VERY patient with her and did not swear once at her...although I did do the record-player technique until I am sure she wished she could bomb me over the phone.

And so, sometime on Wednesday I will try to find a conclusion to this abysmal state of affairs.  meanwhile, I filled yet another week of the risperidone ODT for Bub for the "low low" price of  $70.00.  Yayee for me. Yayee for expensive not popularly used drugs that jack up the price.  puff.

Nubs to all anyway

why I will never believe humans as a whole are "good"

I subscribe to the notion that there is no such thing as a "good" person.  I believe we are all hateful mean selfish beings at heart who would act on those base emotions if we could only determine how to not get in trouble for it.  the only good thing about people is that most have a higher level of "not wanting to get into trouble" than those that don't care about others and act on their baser feelings.

One of the blogs I follow posted this today.  (Cheeseblarg)

She worked really hard to live a dream, and then got screwed by some random nobody.  It made me cry.

Having recently just gone thru a week of having only $40 left in my possession due to a crappy person not doing their job at my almost ex-job (last day is 10/29), I greatly empathize with her emotional state.

I'm sorry that happened to you JRose...I'm sorry people suck.

"That's it...no more Christmas cards for you"

I got home from church and wrote a really bitter hurting blog about a passive-aggressive coward I sorta encountered (they were passive-aggressive...so it wasn't a REAL encounter...just a sorta encounter). Then I saved it into my edit posts and didn't publish it because I felt that in doing so I would be a passive-aggressive coward.  I don't want to be that.  I would like to hope that if I have to say something to someone, I would say it to their face and not hide behind my blog hoping they get it.  I would also hope that I am a big enough person that I could let this go without needing to take a trip to my friendly family doctor to see about getting a Rx to a friendly anti-anxiety pill....but the anxiety and anger and pissiness increases 10fold each week I have a sorta encounter with this person.  I haven't made it a real encounter yet because I don't quite trust myself not to say something mean, cruel, ugly and hateful.  So I do what I always do when I feel this way.  I shut the eff up.and I nod and smile.  and my friends ask me why I'm not getting that friendly Rx for an anti-anxiety pill.

after a while I talked to my Dad.  Now my Dad is the OPPOSITE of passive-aggressive. He "brags" about scaring the crap out of a coworker that called him a "damn Russian" back in the 60s   (although he denies it mostly...he's more proud about being Ukrainian than he lets on...)  and fortunately/unfortunately I take after my Dad, especially in temperament and personality. getting his take helped, although I had to explain to my Dad the equivalent  to him of my complaint would be like people who stop sending him Christmas cards one year and never send them again.  He laughed at that.  That I can make my Dad laugh while I'm all pissy and mad did help me cheer a bit.  but then, Dad and I do best when we sally at each other in mock arguments.  lol.  Mom hates that.  we're shouting and yelling at each other and we mean "I love you" and understand it back from the other.  She gets it, but she doesn't like it.  I don't do that with Mom, just Dad.  Don't even do it with Joe.  When me and Dad start, Joe goes and hides in the corner with Mom and drinks tea with her while she plies him with cookies.  Joe's awesome.  So's Mom.

At least I got to spend some time with my mother in law at church this morning.  That was the only good thing I got out of it this week.  :(

oops & more on parenting austim

I have woefully neglected my blogging.  sorries.


I'm half heartedly watching "The Proposal" w/ Sandra Bullock and Betty White.  So I'm sitting there on my couch watching this, and we get to the scene where Andrew is having a heart to heart with his dad by the shore. they are "arguing" about Andrew's choice of direction of life, which is not what his father wanted him to do...his father wanted him to continue his legacy.  Even in this short scene it is obvious that this was the father's life dream for his son.  And, being a 20-something post gen-X stereotypical man, Andrew was upset that his father couldn't understand his life choices or maybe that his father didn't want to accept his life choices.

and I immediately realized, I no longer identify with the Andrew character.  This is kind of shocking to me.  I was identifying with the father.  my next thought was something to the effect, "you know, I'm actually really glad I won't ever have that conversation w/ Bub, even if we are blessed enough to ever have that kind of conversation this side of heaven, because I gave up all those kind of dreams for him when I got his diagnosis of autism"

then I started crying.  It's not that I don't have dreams and hopes for him, it's that I realized it's not reality to think I'll ever get him to be a soprano in an all boys choir...or that he'll  be some big professional of his choosing.  or anything that most parents think and wish for their kids.  My dream is just to help him be the best he can be, and that Joe and I have the wisdom AND patience to help him achieve what he wants to achieve.

Bub lost his 3rd tooth- AND I actually found it!  A first for us!

See how weird I am?  I take a normal blah scene from a B-movie and turn it into a metacrisis of identity of myself.  I think bedtime is in order with a dose of benedryl.
nubs

1st day ESY

Bub had his first day of ESY today (Extended school year).  Until the bus picked him up (around 745) we STILL didn't know what campus he would be at.  And now that I know the name of the campus, I can't remember which one it is, so I have to go look it up online before Thursday when I have to take him there after speech therapy.  I think I know which one it is...but I mix them up.  he's been to so many of the campuses already since he was 3.  poor Bub.  I don't get it, these kids have issues with change, and there are only 2 campuses that have this special ed program, but instead of keeping the kids at one of the two campuses, they ship out summer school to any different number of them.  Nice work giving the kids a sense of continuity. Sorry, just a bit bitter about this.  Bub didn't want to go to sleep tonite and it gave me and esp Joe a headache.  and it's hot.  and I hate hot.  maybe we do need to venture a bit more north one of these years..


nubs

I'm home and WTH?

I'm home again, after a 2 day drive in which we stopped in Camden MO, where little Z decided sleep is not an option when you have a hotel room to explore and a TV within reach that is easily turned on and off by a little popitscha.   so momma only got 3.5 hrs of sleep.  yayee me.  shoulda just kept driving.

I am thankful that the situation in MN is much more stable now, and everyone is on the path of recovery and health.  There are enough support systems in place now that I don't think this kind of crisis will blow up again anytime soon.  Hopefully sanity and clear-headedness will prevail.

But as a side, I popped up my stats, do you know what post has been most viewed while I was gone?!?   this one: random microbiology comment

It is such a stupid and short post, but I'm getting random viewers from Russia, Iran, Cambodia, etc..  I don't get it.  I put a comment up on it to see if people will comment where they are from when they view it..I am kinda curious why they are even googling it.  the strangeness of people other than me mystifies me.

gonna go, Bub needs to be monitored during his 5 min time out for climbing up the bookcase.
*sigh*

Nubs.

I made it.

Got thru a crappy 3-day rotation.  feels like it was much longer.  I'm really glad I have a few days off...but it's not enough.  I am really tired and feel bad that I haven't been able to write for the past few days.  All I could make myself do during my off-time this rotation was sleep and stare vacantly at the TV.  Bub tried to get me to play w/ him a couple of times, but I only had the drive to give him a half-hearted attempt at play.  That made me feel REALLY crappy.  He doesn't always seek someone to play WITH him. 

Well, I got his breakfast and Lunch all made for school, got some hugs and kissies and a mini-tickle-time; so he's happy with me, and Zber will be home from Grandma's when I wake up, and I'll get Z smooches (she opens her mouth and rubs it on my cheek, very wet and messy!)  And Joe is being the "good Husband" and not stressing me about anything.  :)  gotta love the "good Husband" mode.  lol

Nite folks,

Nubs!

moral query

So it is airing dirty laundry to talk about the troubles happening in your extended family, or is it a matter of a burden shared is a burden lessened.  I'm not sure.

right now my half of the family is going through much turmoil and pain.  I'm half ready to pack a bag and head up I-35, it'll only take about 15-19 hours if I leave the kids w/ Joe.  Parents are saying I don't need to they are ok.  but I worry that they aren't.  Dad's got a really bad bronchial infection.  they called me last night asking what kinds of meds they should ask his doctor for, for the symptoms he's having.  w/ all the respiratory infections my kiddo's at work get, that wasn't very hard...and they pretty much got all of them today when they called his doctor...except the Dr prescribed a corticosteroid...I didn't suggest that because I would think his immune system is already shot right now and why add more risk, but then again, the pain reduction corticosteroids provide short-term IS really kick-ass.  Dad says he's feeling better, but still, I worry about them  Mom is 30 years older than me, and Dad is 34 years older.  they shouldn't have to deal w/ this crap at their age.

I know I'm being vague about what the crap is exactly...I'm doing that on purpose.  sorry.  I haven't decided yet if I want to disclose the whole story.  I haven't decided if that is ok or not, hence my moral query.  but man, this affects me too, and part of me feels like I should have the opportunity to talk about it openly and hopefully get input from others who have gone thru similar situations, but then again, I really do know how important it is to maintain the privacy of others.  so I'm stuck, and I'm vague.  and I hate it.

it's hard to believe it is coming to this.  I never in a million years would expect this to be the current reality.  I feel so helpless living so far away.  I really love my life in TX, but if this kind of crisis continues, I really think we have to consider moving closer.  and I have to get my ass going on finishing my BSN, cuz my RN license won't work in MN. boo!  WI yes...so maybe I'll be renewing my WI driver's license sometime...it did have a hot picture of me from my late 20's lol!


Nubs

drama drama drama

why is it when primarily women work together there is never-ending drama? 

I don't get it.  I really don't.  I firmly believe sometimes you have to suck it up and get the job done.  then when you get home b*** all you want to anyone who will listen....but at work?  in front of everyone?  ALLLLLLLL the time?  really?  that's how you want to play?  really.  alrighty then.


I'm not going to go into details, but once again the mad rumor mill is going on at work....I'm one of the subjects.  I don't especially care.  the rumor is stupid and wholey untrue and trite, so have at it folks.  I'm just going to work by my med cart and laugh at the stupidity of you quietly to myself.  that and shake my head. 

  cuz I do that REAL good.

lol

Tried to find a picture of me lmao, but they are on my broken PC that Joe is attempting to recover for me.  We'll get them soon.  I have all faith in my Joe  :)

Nubs!