school starts on monday

I try to sound like I'm kidding around when I talk about how excited Joe and I are about Bub going back to school on Monday so I don't sound like a terrible parent.  Then I self-depreciate myself about how I must be a terrible parent to say I'm excited to have Bub back in school.  This tactic usually gets me lots of praise about how much we do for Bub and the challenges we face.  But I don't do it for that reason.  I really do feel bad that I get so excited for Bub to be at school.  and I am happy with how much he loves the routine of school, and the experiences he has there.

But to be honest, I really look forward to the break of not having to be on point 24-7+ while he's home.  And that I think is what I really feel bad about.   I think about parents who have kids that are absolutely non-functional, children that weigh over 80lbs and have the mentality of a 3month old.  When they need a respite, people understand, and it makes ABSOLUTE sense.  and I'm absolutely jealous.
See, look at Bub: he can dress himself, feed himself, can make a few simple meals for himself if left to his own devices, can write a bit, ambulates, can use a toilet properly(when he feels like it)...in other words, he's pretty functional.  People don't really get that parents of kids like this need a break too.  We should be "fine"

And it's not like w/ normal kids, where you sweet-talk your friends to take your kids for the weekend in exchange for you taking their kids for them some other weekend.  If you ask parents who have a special-needs kid, you know how much MORE you are adding to their plate, so that's not an option.  You can't really ask a friend that has normal kids, because they have NO IDEA NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN of what they will encounter while your child is in their care.  So that's out.  It's not really fair to beg your family either, they need breaks too.  so you have no one.  it really really sucks.  so you suck it up and hope the next week is a little better, and that there will be less poo to clean up off the floor.

or walls.


or ceiling.


I love my Bub.  I can't wait for Monday!!!!

please?

I want homemade cookies.  But I don't want to deal with the bother of making them.

I wish Joe would make me some.  But he won't cook anymore since the pancake incident and the garlic rice episode.

He made me a cake once.   it was good.

He later confided to me that he had his mom on the phone the whole time he was making it.

I wish he would get on the phone with her again.  Sugar cookies would be nice.  with frosting....



Sigh

not luvin the stones....

Yesterday I was flat on my recliner with a heating pad to my lower back all day, except when I threw up d/t excessive pain.  yeah, that was tasty.  Bub stayed up all night, despite the nightlight and Ipad.  Momma took the Ipad away around 2 or 3, followed by much screaming and kicking of the wall.  FYI, yesterday was exactly a month from when the 1st episode hit.

today I had a "revenge of the stone" that lasted about 2 hours.  I pulled out my nursing book to reacquaint myself to the nursing interventions of kidney stones...pediatrics doesn't see too much of them, oddly enough....*sarcasms*

basically, I need to:

• capture some stones, which I have thusly been unsuccessful at
• drink 3+L fluid daily (hard to achieve when I am at work)
• start a food journal to look for triggers
• Food:
• take 1-2 grams Vitamin C daily
• prolly should eat less meat
• Prolly should cut calcium, but I barely ingest ANY calcium, around 6 oz soy milk daily, and some cheese every couple of days, rarely eat broccoli, never eat Kale or Chard or bitter crap like that....
• prolly should avoid chocolate (!!!!!!)  *boohoohooo*
• prolly should avoid coffee 
• might need to avoid whole grains  (
• I need to make an effort to pee every 3-4 hours (again hard to do at work)

(side story:  there are days (nights) while I am at work where everything is so crazy-busy I don't make it to the bathroom at all (that means 12-14 hours).  I am not the only nurse this happens to. PLEASE be kind to your nurse, we need an opportunity to pee too.)

Check out this lovely fact about kidney stones:

"The pain associated with ureteral spasm is excruciating and may cause the client to go into shock from stimulation of nearby sympathetic nerves"

Medical-Surgical Nursing 5th edition, Ignatavicius & Workman p. 1697

well, Bob's yer uncle.  one more thing to worry about..

Today during the few hours of wakefulness before and after the 2nd stone passed, zbug was on me like glue.  would not leave my side for anything, even Daddy offering her oreos.  I feel so guilty.  I'm at work 3-4 nights a week, w/ the days spent sleeping, then I get this and am cloistered in my room from pain, and that's another 2 days she doesn't see me.  even Bub is missing me, and being clingy while I'm around.  poor Joe looks like wall hit him, and the house like a tornado hit.  my MIL thinks I need to see a urologist, but until I get some stones, there really isn't anything to do except what I listed above.

things I'm pretty sure trigger a stone:  coffee & meat.

apparently I am getting the message that I need to become a semi-vegetarian....and a tea drinker.  How's that for irony....

Joe isn't going to be happy about a reduction of meat consumption in our home.  :(
neither will Bub be pleased since the only vegetables he will consistently eat are frozen peas and frozen corn while they are still frozen, and a raw carrot if he gets to peel it.

So I'm pretty depressed by all this.   but on a happy thought (ok I'm stretching it here):  I get stressed and make a human version of a pearl?!?!  lol!

not-cation

sorry, I've been kinda down, and kinda tired, and kinda overworked (by choice).  kinda had Bub throwing toys at me.  Kinda had family stuff to do.  Kinda felt like my life is being sucked out.

Joe's in the same "kinda" mode...only he doesn't leave the house to be overworked, he's overworked IN the house and leaves the house to relax.  I try to not leave the house if I don't have to work.

I've been really bummed out.  pretty much have been operating on: work, pass out, spend an hour with the kids while I try to wake up, work, rinse-repeat.

Yesterday Joe convinced me I need to leave the house, and the kids were bouncing off the walls *really*  so we got chinese buffet, Bub picked nuggets, shrimpies, fries, and an egg roll.  and grapes.  and jello.  Zbug was stealing Bub's jello.  Zbug wouldn't eat her ice cream.  Zbug only ate the jello and some grapes (also stolen from Bub).  I think Bub's shrimpies had milk in the coating bc Bub started the "inappropriate laughter" routine while we stopped in at payless to get Joe some tennis shoes and Zbug a new pair of  "Pretty" shoes, and the only pair that currently fits is her tennis shoes that light up.  while she greatly enjoys her flashy shoes, it doesn't really go well with her Sunday dresses.  so after sizing her (I worked shoes in HS, so I do this myself since sales-people and my offspring do not mix well)  I found several "pretty" and pink-colored shoes and laid them out for Z to examine.  she was torn between a pair of Disney(c) sandals that lit up.....some glitter shoes and then the new shoes that she picked......

Rejected by Zber

Rejected glitters

Dorothy Gale shoes rejected *sniff*

Her brand new "PRETTY!!!" shoes.

Crap. I just noticed, Why are all the model shoes size 7????

So the feeling I get about my youngest is that she likes pretty girly stuff, but it better be functional, tough, and easy to put on.

Bub got nothing except mommy drag-pulling-carrying him out of the store as he tried to put shoelaces up his nose while laughing   Joe and Zbug completed the purchase.  we got home, and both kiddos were put to bed.  Zbug slept in her new shoes despite my repeated attempts to sneak in and remove them.  Joe thinks this is funny as he accuses me of being a "shoe-girl".

I was a "shoe-girl" once, but I have like 4 pairs now...(excepting my work shoes) and they are all over 4 years old....one pair is around 15years old since it predates Joe.  Maybe I am a shoe-girl since I still own them.......but they are really cool....

Despite the lack of new shoes for Bub yesterday,  my son was HUGELY happy with the set of Hanes(c) Boxer-briefs I bought him this morning.  so happy that he pee'd on the floor enough times to be able to wear each pair today, thus modeling each color and "breaking them in" simultaneously.



yayee me.



Joe is currently out at the health club working off some steam, which will be followed by a round of beer at the local wetting hole with some buddies.  all that male-bonding stuff or something since there are no coffee-houses here with random jazz/poetry sessions for him to attend....(that gen-x stuff....)

I however will find my trusty benedryl and snuggle up with that.  In rock-paper-scissors, benedryl beats coffee.  I have yet to find anyone to argue otherwise.

nub

cosmetic confession

Eden's blog today inspired this confession...

In 5th grade I convinced my mom to buy me make-up so I could continue to be cool (the  one and only time in my life I was ever in the "cool clique")

FYI...I was obsessed with Cyndi Lauper.  My parents wouldn't let me dress like her (my argument was..."But it's not like I want to dress like Madonna!!!")  (It didn't work)  So I finally convinced my mom to let me get make-up.  I got foundation..hot pink lip-stick, and a set of almost day-glo eyeshadows in blue, pink, green and yellowy-white, and pink tinted mascara.  

I do not have the complexion to carry-off hot pink lipstick.  I do not have the personality to carry-off day-glo make-up...

So I do my make-up a la Cyndi Lauper style,  all four colors of eyeshadow were on my lids...vertically.   coupled with hot-pink bubble-gum lips, and pink eyelashes.  and hop on the bus to school.

The 6th graders in my reading class mobbed me in the bathroom and made me wash it all off.
At the time I was horrified, but now I am glad they cared enough to keep me from being a complete fool.  Or am I just rationalizing?

To this day, I do NOT wear mascara...of any variety.

Isn't this a "little" classier for a 12 y/o than....

This?!?!?

irony

you know what cracks me up in a way that makes me kinda want to cry?

When I'm on facebook and one of my fellow autie-moms posts about a particular challenging behavior, and all the other autie-moms chime in because we deal with it/have dealt with it.

then you see the comment from the "coworker's son" friend.  and at least they are trying to understand

then you look at all the other postings from your friends who have neurotypical kids.  and all you see is a huge gulf in realities.

I have no point other than that.  I guess I'm just tired this week.
N

bad week part 2

well, this is what happens after I post embarrassing pictures of our home:

Like my excellent friend Angela says...."I can do anything for 5 min."

I miss her.  :(

and just now my PRN job asked me if I could come in for a day shift, but I work tonight, so I had to say no.  I miss my little peepers at my PRN job, their little smiles and habits.  sniff.  but I get to be there on the 21st so I have that to look forward to.  :)

nite again.  nubs

bad week

well, this was an "ice-cream w/ cherry on top" week. well, no; not really.

I picked up a bug from work last weekend, I have two prime suspects in mind, and am fairly sure what I had, neither requiring antibiotics, merely time flat on my back in bed since monday...time I really didn't have to be flat on my back in bed.  But there I was in bed feeling like a ton of bricks landed on me.  Meanwhile, we find out on Monday that Bub has grown/developed/advanced enough that he doesn't "Need" summer school.  Yayee for Bub, but boo for me and Joe.

We are freaking out.  what the eff are we going to do for 3 months?  no horse riding all summer.... no school... no little friends to expect to see...  no bus ride...  no packing lunches/breakfasts in the am w/ momma... no ritual of getting the backpack and jumpsuit... more...

so I'm in bed half dead and freaking out.  Joe is struggling to occupy a very intent on being contrary Zber, and a Bub who misses seeing momma doing the momma stuff around the house.  I stayed in my room so they wouldn't get sick from kissing on me.  It seems to have worked. so the house is a disaster.

Living room before I got sick

Kitchen before I got sick

Living room Saturday nite

Living room saturday nite

Kitchen saturday nite

I worked Saturday night, and wasn't tired this morning yet, so I tackled the dishes and made french toast.  Joe helped get the kids dressed for church and we went.  disaster.  we made it 1 hour into the service.

Bub was angry that Grandma didn't bring HER Ipad...his wasn't good enough. (Grandma didn't think we would make it since I worked last nite)  Z didn't want to sit still, and kept screaming "no" at every attempt to do something quiet.  Joe was not feeling well.  I had been up for 21 hrs at that point.  we left.  didn't have the power to keep at it.  neither the packet of starburst Grandma fed Bub nor the sensory soothers I was doing to Bub seemed to be helping, and Z was jealous both of us were focusing on keeping Bub from crying/screaming.  So we left church.  All I can say is, I really tried.

I stayed up until 4 today so Joe could start on mowing the lawn, it's been so rainy (thank God for the rain!!!) that he hasn't been able to get to it, and we have a wilderness on our lot that I am heartily ashamed of.  It was so bad that Joe decided to borrow his parent's tractor mower rather than even attempt it w/ our push mower.  well, a belt broke just as he finished the front lawn, so tomorrow while I sleep, he will be purchasing a new belt and attempting to fix it so he can finish the lawn...but in the meantime we are forcasted for more rain in the next day or two.  So the wilderness continues.

My hope of starting a container garden this week will have to wait until at least Thursday.    meanwhile, maybe I can get the house back up to snuff.  maybe. 

I passed out around 4pm today, and got up around 11pm.  Now I'm just trying to motivate myself to NOT go to the 24 hr Whataburger and stay home and start cooking some stuff so Joe can feed the kiddos some good food for the next two days I work and not feed the kids nuggets and hotdogs.  lol    But I really want a cheeseburger and onion rings.  I really suck.  lol

Nite, here's hoping for a better week.  :)  At least I got the kitchen cleaned up this morning. 


nubs

Thank you secret valentine & happy birthday Zbear!

Firstly, Thank you secret valentine from Cheeseblarg  for the lovely ring!  Joe & I decided years ago that nicey-niceys like jewelry, flowers, etc... were not as important as funding our Bub's therapies, so I have not gotten any in a long time (well, I have bought watches, but that's for work so I can time pulses and RR and IV pushes....and I get cheap <$10 ones..)  It was a very nice surprise!  But I don't know who you are!  there was no note, so thank you nameless valentine!  you made the day even nicer!  (Thank you Jodee for organizing the fun!)

So yesterday, at 2pm I decided I HAVE to do something for Z's birthday and not be super pathetic like I have been for the last few weeks.  So I called Grandma & my Sister-in-law's family and invited them over for cake/INFORMAL dinner.  at first everyone was coming, but in actuality, only Grandma came, Cousin K and Uncle K have been sick this week, so they decided to stay home...which was TOTALLY fine because I gave them what...a 2.5hr notice?  like I say, I-suck, I just wanted them to know they were welcome.

That said, w/ Bub's food allergies, desserts are always a challenge, and I get tired of making the same "safe" cakes over and over.  a few weeks ago I came across a recipe in one of my magazines for "Turtle-cake bars", it sounded so yummy, but they aren't an option as I have yet to find ANY caramel that is safe for Bub, even home-made (fyi- I am NOT good at making home-made candies...except chocolate dipped pretzels w/ sprinkles....)  But I thought I could do some kind of S'more thing.... 

So I made up a recipe.  I don't do that for desserts.  Main courses, yes.  Desserts, no.  But I did.  I made a s'more cake!  Bub ate 3 pieces.  Joe liked it, and GRANDMA liked it.  (she doesn't usually like most of Bub's safe desserts...she likes stuff w/ lots of butter, condensed milk, and whipped cream/cool whip- all off limits in this house)  so here's what it looked like:

Z loved the balloons Grandma got her...so did Bub.  in fact, Bub loved all the presents she got (although he did get his own presents too) and we had a mini-meltdown after having to break up an "argument" over who got to play with which toy first....but cake seems to cure sulking after melt-down-time-out, so happiness prevailed in the end.

behold the festivities!

Bub trying very hard to be patient

surprise, Joe took this picture....

Rapunzle...just wish I could find one that had her after her hair turned brown to match my Z

Nubs!

well, that's another...maybe I should worry.

last week I was put on LOA all three of my shifts.  Thankfully, I was able to pick up one in the NICU, and another at my PRN job.  last night I got LOA'd again, but I will be picking up a shift tonight,...in the NICU.

sigh


Anyhow, I made up Bub's Valentine day party "Bags".  I got all the stuff to have a nice bag for the kids, and then forgot to get bags.  So they are in ziplock baggies.  I swear, I don't mean to be shabby, it just seems to happen.  But I got Bub to give starbursts (one of a few gfcf candies I can buy at a normal store), a valentine day eraser, a valentine stencil/ruler, and a card.  Plus wonderful Hubby Joe signed us up to bring plates, utensils, etc... for the party...last august...and I found out on Friday.  joy.

I hope whoever supplies the cake/cookies supplies something Bub can have, and the other kiddo in the class who is gfcf.  But I doubt it.  I think I will make Bub a treat for at home once Joe takes Zbug to the healthy-hideaway.

nubs

LOA'd

I got a call that I am LOA'd from my shift tonite.  (LOA- leave of absence d/t not enough sick people in my unit to justify paying me today, and not enough sick people on our sister units to justify floating me today).  So I'm on call for a few hours, in case enough people get sick to justify paying me to come it.

Anyhow.  I've been not here.  I've been really blah.  I have no idea why.  I think Joe is really getting tired of it. I am, but I can't kick it.  I have a couple of days in a row when I feel good, get the house clean, cook a bunch of good things for the kids and make up easy to "cook" stuff for Joe to serve up the kids when I'm at work...and then I go blah and sit around sighing and not doing anything.

well, today is a little better, did my hair and makeup before I got the call, Zber joined me in te bathroom and got a "pretty" in her hair (barrette) and some green eyeshadow on and some chapstick.  she's was strutting her stuff for about 2 min before everything got smeared and the Pretty got pulled out of the hair and found it's way to her mouth.  silly little girl.


Her birthday is next week. I have nothing planned.  I suck.

she must have some sharp incisors...

So I'm helping Bub make orange koolaid.  even tho he won't hold up just 3 fingers when I ask him how many is three he stops getting more sugar after putting three 1/4 c. sugar into the pitcher.  I think I can safely assume he DOES in fact understand the concept of "how many is three"  (small flashback to the song on sesame street where the baker drops all his pastries over himself as he walks down the stairs...seriously...why would you carry 12 banana cream pies down a flight of stairs all by yourself?!?!?)song of three

Anyhow....While I'm adding the water Z comes over to see the action.  I didn't actually see this, but this is my interpretation of what happened, because I turned around to a double scream and Bub holding his pointer finger out like it hurt....

I think Bub decided to be naughty and stick his finger in Z's mouth.  Z has had enough of Bub sticking his finger in her mouth, and bit down.  hard. 

Bub's crying, Z is looking confused and I am trying so hard not to laugh, spill the koolaid, and call for Joe to come over and help, and stop Bub before he starts hitting someone or something with his hurt finger because that's what he does when he's hurting.

I fail at not laughing.

I succeed in keeping Bub from hitting people or things.   Bub is mad at me for laughing, but then decides to laugh bc Momma laughing is pretty funny.  (at least I don't snork when I laugh...)

Oh the joys of my kiddos...

Amazing Day, thank you Hartley Family.

Today Joe & I struggled w/ whether or not to brave a church service, and then if we did, what church to go to.  We have been struggling with this for a few months for various reasons, one of which that we publicly acknowledge is that the standard 10-11am service start times really wreck havoc on Zber's nap and the rest of our day is that much harder...and as I have stated before, Sundays are typically hard.

Anyhow, we decided to suck it up and go to our "home" church, mainly because I didn't feel up to being in "make new friends while struggling w/ my run-away son" mode.  it gets hard.  I have to be super cheery to do it.  I'm not super cheery lately.  so we get to church, Zber makes a dash for the nursery...what?  She really wanted to be in the nursery.  who am I to argue w/ my child when she gets a stubborn streak surpassing only her father's?  fine, the lady in the nursery is wonderful, and just loves Zber, so one less distraction to deal w/ while dealing w/ Bub.  I get asked if I want another cat.  ????  no.   Then I get into the sanctuary and note it is set up for a concert.  My whole soul drops to the bottom of my feet.  Bub does not deal w/ loud music well.  Grandma and Grandpa aren't here.  I prepare to leave within 5 min of the music starting.  I hate doing that.  I gear myself up for this, and I will be leaving almost as soon as I get there.

Here is the amazing part:  It was a family that played bluegrass.  Bub was completely mesmerized by this family and their music.  He sat the whole time and listened.  no fussing.  no screaming.  no trying to run away.  He wanted to hold both Joe and my hands.  He wanted me to help him clap in time w/ the music.  He clapped between the songs all by himself w/o any prompting that it was time to clap.

We gave them a large (for us) donation.

I was teary eyed watching Bub enjoy himself so much.

I am a sap.

The music itself was very inspirational.

I need to trust more that God is giving me the right directions, even when I don't feel up to following them and I'm dragging my feet.

After the service I brought Bub up to the leader of the family (the dad) and told him that Bub has never liked live music and has never sat thru an entire service w/o fussing, and that he loved the music so much.  I asked Bub to say "Thank you", and Bub signed "Thank you" and shook his hand.  He asked if Bub was deaf, and I had to explain that Bub has autism, and that he can hear and understand fine, he just can't/won't talk *we're still trying to decide that one*.  He gave us a CD, but I had Joe put some extra cash in the CD donation box.
If you can inspire my son that much, I will throw money at you.  Even tho I'm mostly broke.

If you get a chance check out their website....  The Hartley Family

As always Joe and I got into a "mock" argument about whether or not bluegrass is country.  My stand is that it isn't...bluegrass is to country as dixie is to jazz.    Joe laughed at me.  I know he thinks he's right.  I'll let him think it if it makes him happy, cuz right now...I am super happy.

Nubs.

I know better

I wish my camera was working so I could show you how horrible my kitchen is right now.  Joe made an attempt on the dishes earlier this week, but neither of us actually finished doing them.  At some point in the last 3 days one of the kids (prolly Bub) spilled cereal or graham crackers on the floor and they have been crushed to a fine dust that sticks to my feet as I walk across the floor.  I cleaned the counters at some point yesterday and they are cluttered w/ koolaid stains and I have no idea what else.  My living room is cluttered with toys and clean and dirty clothes and cat toys.  there are unidentifiable crushed crumbs and chocolate soymilk stains all over my couch.
I spent an hour already today picking up all the diapers off the floor of my bathroom when the bathroom trash overfilled with diapers and scrubbing the effin toilet clean and the sink and the floor, and random poo stains off the walls around the tub from Bub poo episodes this week while I was at work.

I can not wait to be back on nights.  when I work nites I can at least keep the mess at bay.  poor Joe is going nuts by the time the kids go to bed and when I get home I'm so tired.  neither of us are doing anything to dent the chaos created by our little darlings. 

I need to do the dishes. If I just start, I'll keep going...maybe...if I am lucky.

My color is yellow

I don't know that I entirely agree with that.  when I read the personality traits to Joe for this color, he snort-giggled a lot in agreement (yes my hubby can snort and giggle simultaneously)...I'm still not sure if I should pull out the "mad" at him or not.

The biggest disagreement with this color, is that they are described as extroverted.  I am NOT extroverted.  I know I do this bloggy-thing and "self-publish", but that's because I can hide behind my PC, and you only see the "Good" pictures and so what if I'm slightly silly...most of you don't know me, will prolly never meet me...and if you are 7 of my 8 followers, you already know what an incredible nerd I really am and love me anyhow- so I can do the silly shit and not have a panic attack about it.

But that last part of the sentence, after the hyphen, actually was a very "yellow" statement....maybe you can be a shy-extrovert?  would that be like an Internet stalker?  you go and read all these posts and never comment, except as "anonymous"?  huh.

well, I made 2 people's day today...2 fairly gray/silver older gentlemen.  The 1st was on my elevator ride up to orientation.  I happened to be the one by the floor buttons, and I didn't hear the older gent tell me what floor he wanted, so when everyone else got off I asked him if I missed his floor.  He assured me I didn't, and I said something ridiculous like "well, I'm kinda the 'floor master' here...wanted to make sure I didn't miss you"..the way I say silly things like that w/ lots of animated hand-movements, quotation marks, and unconscious ASL signing.  He started laughing told me he really needed that, then launched into an excessively sad story about a friend of his that was having health problems.  !!!!?   I did the empathy sad face and listened...cuz the "yellow" in me can't walk away from someone w/ a sob story.  Then at lunch, I was waiting for someone in the cafeteria to get their utensils and some elderly gent with a limited number of teeth told me I was pretty....I said "Thanks, but I feel like I've passed the age where you still feel like you can be pretty" (while laughing of course...It's much easier to 'insult' yourself while laughing, and you usually get people to contradict you and then hear all sorts of nice things about yourself without sounding like you are fishing for complements....

Dear Lord, I really am a yellow personality.  Please help me not to be so unconsciously manipulating when possible.  Amen.   :(

phooey

I was attempting to do the NaBloPoMo  this month, however I failed on day 2 to post.  I sat down the the PC after work, shopping and feeding & putting to bed of the kids and promptly fell asleep.  Joe chased me to bed after some unknown point and I completely forgot to post. boo.  no prizes for me.  bummer.

This is definately an "I-suck" labeled post.  :(

Sundays can really suck...

The worst day in our house is typically Sat or Sunday.  Esp if Joe or I or both of us are sickly on either of those two days.  See...This is how it is btwn all of us....  I worked hard during the week and want to chill out and recoup from my job...Joe worked hard during the week and wants to chill out from the kids.  Bub had a hard week at school being in a disciplined scheduled and wants to not listen to anyone at any time to chill out from the week, Zber is super excited to have everybody home at the same time so She won't sleep during nap-time and insists on waking up at 3am to ensure all the playtime with us all she can cram in to a brief 48 hr period.

I had a mandatory vaccine in my rt deltoid on Friday for my new job.  Seriously...my arm is STILL killing me and I had what felt like a 3-day hangover all Friday and Saturday.  Joe had digestive issues all last nite and today...so he wanted (and did) to hide out in bed out of misery.  Bub wanted to poo on the floor a lot today...at least 3 times just today.  He really hates it when I scrub his fingernails...but like I tell him..."If you are going to touch it, I'm going to scrub it...I see you eat...you forget to use your fork sometimes!!!!"   Zber found a piece either Joe or I missed.  I threw up in my mouth a little...which is odd since I deal with a lot of poo at work too.  Maybe it was because she's my baby...I don't know...either way, puke in the mouth is just not a happy kind of thing.

But back to the vaccine thing...if one little vaccine can eff me up, I who am....(let's be kind...) ...rubinesque...imagine how it can eff up a little baby...and they want to do up to 9 different ones at once?  not to my babies...and not in Texas.  YEA for my philosophical right to refuse!!!  I'm an adult, and it made me have one of the worst head-aches of my life...and you're telling me it won't damage a baby's neurologic tissues?  I'll give the shots, but I sure won't let my babies have them on any one else's time frame but MINE!


grrrr......

anxiety attack

I have my "Mystery meeting" tomorrow.   Out of no where around 1pm today, I had a minor panic attack.  I haven't had a panic attack since before Bub was born.  The last one was when I was in EC, and my  Idiot  boss was railing on me for something...I don't even remember what it was about... and I just started hyperventilating and crying hysterically at the same time.  not fun.  I'm surprised he didn't call 911 with what a mess I must have been.
Today was nothing so dramatic.  Just some heart palpations that would best be described as "lurches" and a slight increase to my resp. rate accompanied by the typical thoughts you get when facing these kinds of meetings. I'll be fine.  I already gave myself the Stuart Smalley peptalk in front of my mirror today and Joe has been wonderfully kind, agreeing with me to screw going grocery shopping today, and then not laughing at me when I decided to go 30 min later.  But that's really me in a nutshell, yeah?  I talk all blustery and rebellious, and then cave in and do the right thing after I'm left alone and calm down a bit. 

Shopping sucked as it always did.  I had to buy specialty items that I normally don't because they last so long.  For example: Ground Cardamom was effin $10 for a flipping McCormick spice bottle size.  WHAT?!?  It's not like I'm buying lark-tongues or saffron.  Diapers were upmarked this week, and that bummed me out, so I'm going to have to shop around to get Zber's butt-covers at a decent price. THANK YOU LORD that Bub no longer wears pull-ups and uses the toilet to pee into.  Now...if we could just do something about the frequency of poo getting into the toilet instead of the floor, I would be ever so happy....


Nubs.

almost finished

only 1 thing to complete before I hit send.  but I'm too tired to think clearly enough to sound rational.  waiting for Zber to fall asleep for her nap so I can collapse on my heating pad and blank out for a few hours.

I have bits and snippets of what to write in y brain.  but is a jumbly riot.  I really NEED to get this done.  *yes I am being vague again on purpose* 

You would think after all the years of reviewing and reading them this would be a snap..but honestly...some of my self-confidence in this area has eroded.  When you spend a few years out of the loop by being in school AND learning how to deal with a child with special needs...one kinda become one-tracked for the specific situation I find myself in.  Well, I did.  and still kind of view my life and activities as highly comparmentalized.

It's like I don't mesh with all my faces anymore.  I'm one way with my kids, another w/ Joe, still another at my job (well except with a few exceptional people), but you get the point.  Then again, I'm much more free here in my blog than anywhere else...mainly because I don't have you interrupting me.  lol   *kinda*

still waiting for the yummy (?) bottle of soy formula to work it's magic on Zber.  wish me success in pulling the bits and pieces together in a coherent fashion.

Nubs

The Madness

I'm upset! Joe caught something on Doctor Who today that I missed and shot him down on as silly...but he was right.  WHAT?!!!!  I'm supposed to be the DW nerd in this family..he only got into DW because I watched it all the time in our early years and our apartment was so small he couldn't get away from it...and NOW he's catching things I miss?!?!   NOOOOOOO  say it ain't so.....

I think I have failed in my nerdiness...

But the reference WAS to a Tom Baker episode, and tho I like Tom Baker's Doctor...he's not my favorite..but he IS Joe's favorite....so maybe that's why he made the connection and I missed it ....5 min into the episode...grrrr.

I keep telling him to keep his mouth shut cuz that's my job.   grrrr   I think playing football today at the family reunion did something to him...got a few knocks to him from the younger cousins....  lol    *kinda*