Committed!

No, I'm not in a lock-up unit (tho there are those who would argue that I should be....)

I committed to accepting Gunk (Baby) as a new member of our household.  Zbear will love him (she met him once) and Bub will freak out for a while, then I believe he will get used to him.  Joe will love having a black cat in our house.  (Joe gets into that kinda thing...have I mentioned that before?)

I think we may give the kitty a new "nickname" (Sir prowley pounce is what I would call him when he would pounce on me at work)  But I know I'll always revert to "Bay-bee" the way his Daddy used to always call him.
*I'm getting kinda sniffly now*  I still miss him.  It will be nice to know that I'm giving his cat a really good home with lots of love.  He talked to be about it and asked me if I would consider it before he passed.  When he died, I knew everyone making those decisions was overwhelmed, and I didn't want to add another problem/issue to their already full plate.  But I am mainly excited, with a little trepidation (for Bub's sake) about this little guy coming home to us.  :)

On a side note, I got home to Bub's mini-trampoline out in the car-port and all his toys sitting out in the kitchen.  I think Bub and Joe had some serious "issues" last nite.  I think Joe won and Bub is going to be on the crabby side of life today.  Glad I'm going to be sleeping thru the worst of it.  BAHAHAHAHAHAH!  (I'm terrible) 

Nubs.

reboot

I'm not really beginning my whole self kick in the pants very well.

I slept until 4pm yesterday, and had a very hard time getting back to sleep.  that sucked.  I kept repeating a stupid conversation in my head, saying the things I wanted to say, but didn't actually say because I didn't think of it until later.  I have that problem.  a lot.  Hell, I'm still having conversations with my boss from EC over 13 years ago!!!!  I still hear his droning voice that had that lilt to it....and how he would say chameleon as "Karmeeleon"... Ummm....  just a word of advice...  don't learn how to pronounce things from Boy George...  just saying.

SEE!  I'm doing it still.  man, I think I must have something wrong in the head sometimes.

I did go to Sam's and get pizza for me and Joe after the kids were in bed. and a watermelon, and Silk, and almonds...cuz me and Bub love almonds.  and TP...the member's choice TP is actually really good...I was thinking, "hell, I don't care if it's like sandpaper...I just want some effing TP in my house and it's cheaper than the rest of them *by $6!!!* and it's a lot *36 rolls*  and I won't have to deal with it for a good while"

I think like that a lot...including the fake cursing...I have a lot of fake cursing going on in my brain these days.  I haven't quite reverted back to real cursing in my brain...but it's only a matter of time.  I think a lot of people have fake to real cursing going on in their head.  I can't imagine I'm the only one with this issue...

Joe is totally open to adopting a certain black kitty.  I'm kinda bittersweet about it.  part of me thinks it would be a good thing for us and the kitty, but am I really ready for another pet?!?  I know this kitty, and I know Zber will adore him, and Bub will like him...once he stops freaking out that it's a cat...  and Joe loves black cats.  REALLY loves black cats.  Loves that people get freaked out by them.  Loves freaking people out in general
*let me tell you about his cloak sometime...*
I just don't know that I'm ready for a pet.  it's a lot.  and what if we move again soon?!?!  Joe has an itch to leave ET, and pets just make moving hard.  I'm fighting his persuasions to move, mainly because it would be really bad timing for Bub, and secondly..I am really sick of moving.  I have relocated across country 6 times since I was 21.  and I'm not including all the times we moved from one apartment to another in the same city.  I really really really don't want to move yet.  I want to feel settled, just for a little while longer.

Nubs

displacement

I am guilty of displacement today.  I didn't want to think about the funeral, so I focused on getting Bub to Therapy on time (we didn't, but the 9:30 people no showed and Bub got moved in...prolly cuz we prepay 2 weeks in advance....) and getting Zbear to her 12 month appointment at 15 months....yeah...lets just say we've been having some scheduling issues lately....

Now I find that Zbear is 31.4 inches and only 21.5 lbs.  She's underweight for her age and her length.  I'm very depressed about this.  Her NP wants me to start adding nut butters to her diet.  I'm scared to try what with all my food allergies and sensitivities and Bub's milk allergy.  So I'm taking a deep breath and going to get some almond butter on monday....after I get some sleep.  Also, Joe and I are debating whether to put her BACK on formula or maybe try adding malted to her soymilk.  I'm thinking we're going to go back to formula...I feel terrible.  She eats really well.  I give her lots of variety. WHO would think MY kids would have concerns w/ being UNDERWEIGHT?!?!?  Bub is a stick, and it looks like Z will be too.  Why do they get my recessive genes?  *sigh*

Z has now completed her polio series.  Next series will be Hib I think...Still deciding.

Then after getting the zb'er home and in for a nap, got ready and went to the funeral.  It was very sad.  that's all I'm going to say about it.

So afterward, I displaced my upset-ness by making dinner, then going to a choir practice that I just realized I got the performance dates wrong and will only be able to be in the production by the biggest finagling I can acheive, and then went to the library.  Found a new book on Autism and newer/researched therapies.  I think I may review it ....SEE, I'm doing it again.

then instead of dealing w/ my sadness, I did the dishes, convinced Bub that he had to clean his butt-butt after pooping, (washed my hands....), and cleaned my refrigerator because I forgot/didn't get around to cooking a chicken, and it went REALLY bad, and since I'm going to be doing more displacement here in a min by cooking several meals to feed my little fambly during my next rotation, I didn't want to put yummy food into a fridge that smelt horrible.  You know the movie Labyrinth?  the "bog of eternal stench"?  yeah, that was my fridge.   409 is my friend.  :p  Plus I'm getting laundry done.

But really, I know what I'm doing, and I know what it is.  But knowing what you are doing and why you are doing it doesn't really help you deal with it in the end...it just seems to make the anxiety about it bigger.

I' haven't had that many people that really meant a lot to me die, the few that have were 100s of miles and years distanced, Not someone I spent time with every week.  But I'm not trying to come out as a caloused person that wasn't close to her dead relatives...it's just that I was really young when they died, or that I was never close to them to begin with...the one exception to that was my Tetka, but I hadn't seen her in years, and then when I tired to call to keep in touch with her,  her English vanished, and my ukrainian is pretty much non-existant,  then her hearing went, and when she died, it was like she was already a memory.  (does that sound awful?)
It's kind of scaring me how hard I'm taking this.  And I did realize he was important to me before all this happened, I know I griped about special requests, but I always did them because beneath the bluster and the drunk sailor impressions I knew it meant a lot to him.

I'm getting all morose again...better displace and make some enchiladas (w/o cheese) and meatballs and brisket.

Nubs.

nutshell

Sunday morning I was commenting to my relief that I felt like you do after being awake for 30+ hours.  that was before he passed and I stayed awhile longer after he had passed away so my relief's day wouldn't be completely messed up and his meds pass be excessively late.

then I started to go home, but stopped at my church first and prayed with my pastor.

then I stopped at burger King to get my family breakfast.

then Joe and I talked for a bit, but I really just wanted to be alone.  Watched the latest episode of Doctor Who...thought it was more far fetched than the Dalek reality-bomb sequence...but hey....it's Doctor Who, and Matt Smith is cool in bow-ties. 

Then I went to bed.  except for a few brief awakenings for bathroom and kool-aid, I just woke up about an hour ago.  I don't recall ever sleeping that much before unless I was super sick (w/ a fever over 103)

I'm trying to gear myself up to calling work to find out when the wake and funeral will be.  I'm not quite there yet.

nubs

requiem

my dear, dear friend,

I know you spent your life raging against the dying of the night.
but I hope you go quietly into the night,

and I hope I'm with you.

remember I love you, and that you are loved by many.