Froggie in my house

A few days ago, Joe and I -finally- got the yard mowed.  We haven't mowed it since late June.  We were going to mow it in early July, but my bout w/ kidney stones stopped that, then we were going to mow in mid-to-late july, but then my schedule didn't give us enough time to get it done and have one of us not asleep for child-duty (me), then we were going to do it in early August, but then West Nile Virus was rampant in our area (well, not super rampant, but several confirmed cases in our county), so FINALLY we got it done this week.

While mowing the meter high weeds near the back of the house, Joe discovered lots of little lizards and frogs. And being Joe, he brought one inside to show Zbug

"WTH?!?!"

"MUST ESCAPE"

"I'll get you my pretty, and your little Frog too!"

So after boinging around the house w/ Zbug in hot pursuit, I finally made Joe recapture the little Froggy and set it free.

Now, go out and eat all the ookie bugs Froggy!

Nubs

school starts on monday

I try to sound like I'm kidding around when I talk about how excited Joe and I are about Bub going back to school on Monday so I don't sound like a terrible parent.  Then I self-depreciate myself about how I must be a terrible parent to say I'm excited to have Bub back in school.  This tactic usually gets me lots of praise about how much we do for Bub and the challenges we face.  But I don't do it for that reason.  I really do feel bad that I get so excited for Bub to be at school.  and I am happy with how much he loves the routine of school, and the experiences he has there.

But to be honest, I really look forward to the break of not having to be on point 24-7+ while he's home.  And that I think is what I really feel bad about.   I think about parents who have kids that are absolutely non-functional, children that weigh over 80lbs and have the mentality of a 3month old.  When they need a respite, people understand, and it makes ABSOLUTE sense.  and I'm absolutely jealous.
See, look at Bub: he can dress himself, feed himself, can make a few simple meals for himself if left to his own devices, can write a bit, ambulates, can use a toilet properly(when he feels like it)...in other words, he's pretty functional.  People don't really get that parents of kids like this need a break too.  We should be "fine"

And it's not like w/ normal kids, where you sweet-talk your friends to take your kids for the weekend in exchange for you taking their kids for them some other weekend.  If you ask parents who have a special-needs kid, you know how much MORE you are adding to their plate, so that's not an option.  You can't really ask a friend that has normal kids, because they have NO IDEA NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN of what they will encounter while your child is in their care.  So that's out.  It's not really fair to beg your family either, they need breaks too.  so you have no one.  it really really sucks.  so you suck it up and hope the next week is a little better, and that there will be less poo to clean up off the floor.

or walls.


or ceiling.


I love my Bub.  I can't wait for Monday!!!!

please?

I want homemade cookies.  But I don't want to deal with the bother of making them.

I wish Joe would make me some.  But he won't cook anymore since the pancake incident and the garlic rice episode.

He made me a cake once.   it was good.

He later confided to me that he had his mom on the phone the whole time he was making it.

I wish he would get on the phone with her again.  Sugar cookies would be nice.  with frosting....



Sigh

not luvin the stones....

Yesterday I was flat on my recliner with a heating pad to my lower back all day, except when I threw up d/t excessive pain.  yeah, that was tasty.  Bub stayed up all night, despite the nightlight and Ipad.  Momma took the Ipad away around 2 or 3, followed by much screaming and kicking of the wall.  FYI, yesterday was exactly a month from when the 1st episode hit.

today I had a "revenge of the stone" that lasted about 2 hours.  I pulled out my nursing book to reacquaint myself to the nursing interventions of kidney stones...pediatrics doesn't see too much of them, oddly enough....*sarcasms*

basically, I need to:

• capture some stones, which I have thusly been unsuccessful at
• drink 3+L fluid daily (hard to achieve when I am at work)
• start a food journal to look for triggers
• Food:
• take 1-2 grams Vitamin C daily
• prolly should eat less meat
• Prolly should cut calcium, but I barely ingest ANY calcium, around 6 oz soy milk daily, and some cheese every couple of days, rarely eat broccoli, never eat Kale or Chard or bitter crap like that....
• prolly should avoid chocolate (!!!!!!)  *boohoohooo*
• prolly should avoid coffee 
• might need to avoid whole grains  (
• I need to make an effort to pee every 3-4 hours (again hard to do at work)

(side story:  there are days (nights) while I am at work where everything is so crazy-busy I don't make it to the bathroom at all (that means 12-14 hours).  I am not the only nurse this happens to. PLEASE be kind to your nurse, we need an opportunity to pee too.)

Check out this lovely fact about kidney stones:

"The pain associated with ureteral spasm is excruciating and may cause the client to go into shock from stimulation of nearby sympathetic nerves"

Medical-Surgical Nursing 5th edition, Ignatavicius & Workman p. 1697

well, Bob's yer uncle.  one more thing to worry about..

Today during the few hours of wakefulness before and after the 2nd stone passed, zbug was on me like glue.  would not leave my side for anything, even Daddy offering her oreos.  I feel so guilty.  I'm at work 3-4 nights a week, w/ the days spent sleeping, then I get this and am cloistered in my room from pain, and that's another 2 days she doesn't see me.  even Bub is missing me, and being clingy while I'm around.  poor Joe looks like wall hit him, and the house like a tornado hit.  my MIL thinks I need to see a urologist, but until I get some stones, there really isn't anything to do except what I listed above.

things I'm pretty sure trigger a stone:  coffee & meat.

apparently I am getting the message that I need to become a semi-vegetarian....and a tea drinker.  How's that for irony....

Joe isn't going to be happy about a reduction of meat consumption in our home.  :(
neither will Bub be pleased since the only vegetables he will consistently eat are frozen peas and frozen corn while they are still frozen, and a raw carrot if he gets to peel it.

So I'm pretty depressed by all this.   but on a happy thought (ok I'm stretching it here):  I get stressed and make a human version of a pearl?!?!  lol!

crazy dreams

had the craziest dream to date: dreamt that my younger brother (aged around 16-17) slipped on some ice on my parent's driveway and hit the back of his head on a rock on the driveway island, then I had to convince my parents that he needed to go to an ER because his pupils were dilating weirdly and he wasn't fully orientated, as they took him to the hosp, I went to my current job, get a call from the ER in Burger Kind (??!!!??) that I needed to get my butt over there bc my parents wouldn't explain how Ross got that injury and CPS was called in and my parents called the CPS case worker a "gestapo nazi"

 

 

there is something really wrong with my head.   my brother is 37 and is a Marine stationed in Japan right now.  my parents would never accuse someone of being a gestapo nazi. and there would never be an ER in a Burger King.

50cent is a jerk.

well, he is.  anyone who says someone looks "autistic" as an insult is a jerk.

Thank you Holly Robinson Peete for your eloquent and to the point response to the idjit.  (being a jerk he does not get the respect of correct spelling)

Taking down the tweets is such a half-assed response.  get a spine and apologize.

read Holly's letter to the "idjit"

read an article about what the "idjit" said.

I think I need a 50cent version of the "Summer pinata" from Napoleon Dynamite.

happy July 4th, and ode to my kidneys

GROSS GROSS GROSS!!!!!!

This is the most awful thing I ever ingested.  ever.  and I of course am experiencing common and non-common side-effects.  yayee.

One thing that sucks about being a nurse?  Recognizing symptoms and the consequences of those symptoms quickly in myself- and jumping to worst case scenarios that must be ruled out QUICKLY!!

Thankfully, my CT scan showed no tumors anywhere in my pelvic regions, specifically my renal system.   I am the proud momma of kidney stones.  woohoo.

After talking to my parents, I discovered I have relatives on my paternal side that deal with this too.  So glad I get to share the love.  feh.

So I am still dealing w/ side-effects from my oral contrast...and they are NOT pretty side-effects.  I am hoping they will end soon since I am past 24 hrs from ingestion.

Meanwhile, Zbug is very clingy of momma, and Bub has a case of the giggles, as reported by Grandma.

SO--  Happy 4th of July!  Drink lots of water and be good to your kidneys!


(ps- happy anniversary to my parents!  love you!)

autism and being a mom

I stole/copied/borrowed this from my longtime friend and fellow autie mom Jigglypuff:

Autism Strong Mom

At first I was scared and I cried.
And than I looked around.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Autism they said.

Everything seemed different.
But nothing really changed.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Now I no longer cry.

I am an Autism Strong Mom. 

* from the Four Sea Stars Facebook page

This kinda thing upsets me.  I know that seems weird cuz it's obviously supposed to inspire strength and hope and all that jazz.  Not me, don't know why, maybe because I have grown cynical in my 30s, maybe because I cultivated a sarcastic bend in my 20s, who knows, but this pisses me off.

I have yet to met a single autie parent that "no longer cries"  BULL SHIT.  if they put that out they are LYING!!  they are a dirty lying cheat.  or they are the "refrigerator moms" pop psychology believed in for so long.  or they have a crippling addiction to *numbing drug of choice*. 

I will say this and I will stand by it.  No matter how much you love your child, no matter how strong you get, you will cry, you will be angry, you will blame yourself, you will blame your spouse, you will blame anything that makes any kind of reasonable case to have brought this onto your child, you will be flustered, you will be reduced to a crying sobbing heap of person from time to time because of autism.

It won't last.  you will feel better mostly.  Life will become the new normal.  there will be lots of happiness and laughter and love and understanding.  You will feel "autism strong mom"  but it is transitory.  you will only feel it on the "good" days.  

I hope I am not crushing some poor mom who just got a diagnosis and is trying to find something/anything to help her get thru the transition of diagnosis to acceptance.  I don't want to crush you, but neither do I want to lie to you and make you feel like a failure if you don't achieve this level of ...whatever the hell it's trying to set.  Good LORD we have enough problems learning to help our kids, do we have to put up some unrealistic level of acceptance for each other and wave it around other's faces to make us feel better about ourselves while crushing others???  don't we have enough to do other than play HS games?!?   f-that.

I love my son, and I still cry, and I am strong because I'm honest about it.

"

not-cation

sorry, I've been kinda down, and kinda tired, and kinda overworked (by choice).  kinda had Bub throwing toys at me.  Kinda had family stuff to do.  Kinda felt like my life is being sucked out.

Joe's in the same "kinda" mode...only he doesn't leave the house to be overworked, he's overworked IN the house and leaves the house to relax.  I try to not leave the house if I don't have to work.

I've been really bummed out.  pretty much have been operating on: work, pass out, spend an hour with the kids while I try to wake up, work, rinse-repeat.

Yesterday Joe convinced me I need to leave the house, and the kids were bouncing off the walls *really*  so we got chinese buffet, Bub picked nuggets, shrimpies, fries, and an egg roll.  and grapes.  and jello.  Zbug was stealing Bub's jello.  Zbug wouldn't eat her ice cream.  Zbug only ate the jello and some grapes (also stolen from Bub).  I think Bub's shrimpies had milk in the coating bc Bub started the "inappropriate laughter" routine while we stopped in at payless to get Joe some tennis shoes and Zbug a new pair of  "Pretty" shoes, and the only pair that currently fits is her tennis shoes that light up.  while she greatly enjoys her flashy shoes, it doesn't really go well with her Sunday dresses.  so after sizing her (I worked shoes in HS, so I do this myself since sales-people and my offspring do not mix well)  I found several "pretty" and pink-colored shoes and laid them out for Z to examine.  she was torn between a pair of Disney(c) sandals that lit up.....some glitter shoes and then the new shoes that she picked......

Rejected by Zber

Rejected glitters

Dorothy Gale shoes rejected *sniff*

Her brand new "PRETTY!!!" shoes.

Crap. I just noticed, Why are all the model shoes size 7????

So the feeling I get about my youngest is that she likes pretty girly stuff, but it better be functional, tough, and easy to put on.

Bub got nothing except mommy drag-pulling-carrying him out of the store as he tried to put shoelaces up his nose while laughing   Joe and Zbug completed the purchase.  we got home, and both kiddos were put to bed.  Zbug slept in her new shoes despite my repeated attempts to sneak in and remove them.  Joe thinks this is funny as he accuses me of being a "shoe-girl".

I was a "shoe-girl" once, but I have like 4 pairs now...(excepting my work shoes) and they are all over 4 years old....one pair is around 15years old since it predates Joe.  Maybe I am a shoe-girl since I still own them.......but they are really cool....

Despite the lack of new shoes for Bub yesterday,  my son was HUGELY happy with the set of Hanes(c) Boxer-briefs I bought him this morning.  so happy that he pee'd on the floor enough times to be able to wear each pair today, thus modeling each color and "breaking them in" simultaneously.



yayee me.



Joe is currently out at the health club working off some steam, which will be followed by a round of beer at the local wetting hole with some buddies.  all that male-bonding stuff or something since there are no coffee-houses here with random jazz/poetry sessions for him to attend....(that gen-x stuff....)

I however will find my trusty benedryl and snuggle up with that.  In rock-paper-scissors, benedryl beats coffee.  I have yet to find anyone to argue otherwise.

nub

class party

I actually made it to one of Bub's class events this year...the very last event.  end of the year party.  I attempted to make some peanutbutter ricecrispy treats, but I thought they were pretty oogy, so at the last min, (after my 45min nap after a 12hr shift) I cut up a bunch of fruit and we whisked off to his school.  only 2 other parents showed upin the classroom-I thought that was kinda sad, but the kids loved fruit salad.  I shoulda done my wiggles songs collection for them.  lol.
Zbug was rather intimidated by all the "big kids" and hid behind Bub for awhile, well, until Bub decided he didn't want his kid-sister hanging on him.  Zbug got the hint and found a teenee tiny chair in the corner to sit in, and then found a rocking chair..rocking chairs are endless sources of amusement I gather....

His teacher got big baked potatoes from a local deli for all the kids which was a GREAT idea since there are very few people in the entire world who have a potato allergy.  lol. apparently Bub loved his w/ just ketchup...as always.

Bub will be going to school next week as a voluntary thing.  Here in smalltown ETX the last week of school is optional for kids who are doing fine or didn't miss too much school during the year, Joe decided Bub should get that last week in, I had an aside w/ his teacher to make sure it was ok.

Anyhow.  it's been a better few days, Bub has been controlling his temper better, plus he got over his tummy bug on Monday, so maybe that was the core problem...

who knows with the mind of bub.  After dinner when Z was in bed, me and bub played "Starfall.com" on the PC, he knows how to use a mouse now.  yayee!

Nubs

PS- Bub and Z didn't think the pb treats were oogy...they devoured the whole tray while I was asleep this afternoon.

untitled

two days ago, Bub punched me in the arm really hard when I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and watch sponge bob.

after all the tantrum that followed addressing that unacceptable behavior, I bawled on Joe's shoulder for an hour (kids were asleep)

I really feel like my Bub is slipping away again.

words of the week

Zbug is starting to have the vocabulary explosion. Her new word that I am pushing  "please"...but she says /pa-layeea/  kinda...I am trying to get it phonically right in my description of her...but it has been nearly 20 years since I took linguistics...so forgive my excesses in my description of her cute attempts at pronunciation.  lol

Also cute from her is:  "Aye-min" after we pray,  "di-purrrr" when I tell her it's time to chop down the Zber tree, and "You Momma" but refusing to say her own name.  I also especially like hearing "NOOOO! No Nap!"  cuz it's funny when I tease her about it, but I really do wish she would just say "yes" to a nap every other day or so.

Too tire to share more.  loves to all.  :)

texas roadhouse

I kinda hate that I love a chain restaurant so much.   One thing I liked to take pride in was that Joe and I would search out little hole in the wall restaurants and out of the way places to find gems that were independently owned and spend our hard-earned monies on someone else who was earning it the hard way as well.

We have found a few really good independent restaurants here in smaller town TX, but I have to admit that I really really love texas roadhouse.

This is the story of my shame:

In my 1st year of nursing school, one of my very close friends got nominated/was self-nominated (I forget details) to chair our SNA fundraiser for March-of-Dimes.  This is a VERY dear cause for her and she did an AWESOME job getting it organized.  Being her friend and the secretary for the SNA, I was at the walk, with Bub,who was freaking out that there were so many people around him.
(sometimes autism rears it's ugly and fearful head no matter how you try to prepare for it)  Well, there was a small group of vendors moving thru the crowd, I think the roadhouse folks found me and Bub hiding near a tree while Bub was having an episode of inappropriate giggles with punching of the tree going on while I was trying to apply pressure to calm him.

I remember they asked if I needed help, No...I do this everyday (stress brings out my bad sarcasm...), then they tried to get Bub to give them a high five, which he did. then they offered me a free kids meal medallion, at first I refused it explaining that Bub was on a very special and limited diet and we really weren't able to take him to most restaurants because of his issues with Gluten and Casein.  they said they were able to make some thing from scratch if asked, and gave me a 2nd medallion.  I smiled my polite smile while thinking "dream on dude".  I threw the medallions in my silverware drawer.  they stayed there for over 2 years.

last October 31st Joe and I were trying to figure out what we could do cuz we don't do halloween.  (FYI- I do celebrate holidays...I just don't like halloween at all)  we were kinda broke (as always) and I remembered the free meal medallions.  By this time Bub is more able to handle gluten although his milk allergy is worse, I called the manager and talked about options for Bub and found out there were quite a lot as most people don't really want a lot of milk on their steaks.  (lol)  so we went, they let us reuse our medallions over and over, it's like there is no limit on them!!!  I love that we can eat there for under $30, and that $30 includes a VERY generous tip to the server that has to deal with Zbug's famous "tossing of the fries" and Bub's occasional screams when he messes up his Ipad.  Joe loves meat so he is happy.  the only catch for me is that we don't go on weekends.  Bub has a hard time when it is crowded, so we're typically there when they open at 4:30, usually on Mondays.  :)

cosmetic confession

Eden's blog today inspired this confession...

In 5th grade I convinced my mom to buy me make-up so I could continue to be cool (the  one and only time in my life I was ever in the "cool clique")

FYI...I was obsessed with Cyndi Lauper.  My parents wouldn't let me dress like her (my argument was..."But it's not like I want to dress like Madonna!!!")  (It didn't work)  So I finally convinced my mom to let me get make-up.  I got foundation..hot pink lip-stick, and a set of almost day-glo eyeshadows in blue, pink, green and yellowy-white, and pink tinted mascara.  

I do not have the complexion to carry-off hot pink lipstick.  I do not have the personality to carry-off day-glo make-up...

So I do my make-up a la Cyndi Lauper style,  all four colors of eyeshadow were on my lids...vertically.   coupled with hot-pink bubble-gum lips, and pink eyelashes.  and hop on the bus to school.

The 6th graders in my reading class mobbed me in the bathroom and made me wash it all off.
At the time I was horrified, but now I am glad they cared enough to keep me from being a complete fool.  Or am I just rationalizing?

To this day, I do NOT wear mascara...of any variety.

Isn't this a "little" classier for a 12 y/o than....

This?!?!?

verbalizing, gardens and crazy people

couple of things...
 
why in the world would anyone take their infant, 3 y/o and a preteen to walmart at 0200 in the morning?  what are you thinking?  I know I'm not mother of the year, but I value my children's sleep and HIGHLY encourage it on a regular basis.  And if the items bought were of an emergency-type nature, I could understand some sort of problem in the home/family that necessitated such a trip w/ little ones, on a school nite...but toddler clothes, and school/art supplies?  really?  wow.  that is a new one for me....

anyhow, I got my container garden going.  I have tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, a couple types of lettuce,  spinach and 2 zucchinni going.  I have no idea if they will survive my ministrations.  my attempt at tomatoes last year was abysmal, although I could blame that on the drought if I tried at all.

Bub surprised me yesterday.  He wanted me to get something for him, and was trying to pull me up from the couch, I asked him what he wanted momma to do and he signed AND verbalized "go!"

I was so happy with that I don't even remember what he wanted.  I think it was kool-aid out of the fridge.  and then this morning, Joe asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom before Daddy, and he verbalized "no".

I am a pretty happy girl right now...pretty proud of my Bub.  yayee.

:)

Nubs

SMH

So today/yesterday (It all melds together for me...) was rough.

Bub woke up screaming at 2am, I helped him get back to sleep, then I couldn't sleep, and Zbug got up around 4 w/ a monster poop.  But at least she didn't decide to strip and smear.  I call that a good night.  I only think she does that because she has seen Bub do it.  She so loves to imitate him...in all the behaviors I'd rather she didn't.

then while finishing up the morning getting ready to go to school routine, I get a call from my family, and end up driving my nieces and Bub to school so my Sister-in-law can get Joe's brother to the hospital.

Then I went to the hospital to give my family some support and encouragement.

then I made dinner for my MIL and nieces so my sister-in-law wouldn't have to worry about the mundane things in life and focus on her husband...who is stable currently.

I crashed around 5pm, and woke up around midnight.  Bub is awake.  I gave him his Ipad and I hope it will lull him to sleep the same way it lulls me to sleep (When I can pry it from his sleeping fingers...)

At some point I took Z out in the backyard to play, which she loved, and gave her a popsicle afterwards.  She knew something was up today because I kept leaving and coming back, and she didn't get to go to the healthy hideaway.

I'm kind of still reeling from all this.  My brother-in-law is the oldest one in Joe's extended family, and he's only 2 years younger than my sister, and my sister already has a major medical diagnosis.  Joe and I are only 2 years younger than him.  I keep thinking: when did we all start getting old enough to have these things happen?  I still have a hard time believing I'm really 38.  that in some ways still seems like an imaginary number that will never really happen.

So now I'm up, doing the housework I had planned on doing during the day.  I have a staff meeting before my shift starts today and somehow I need to get a few more sleep hours before that starts.

nubs

irony

you know what cracks me up in a way that makes me kinda want to cry?

When I'm on facebook and one of my fellow autie-moms posts about a particular challenging behavior, and all the other autie-moms chime in because we deal with it/have dealt with it.

then you see the comment from the "coworker's son" friend.  and at least they are trying to understand

then you look at all the other postings from your friends who have neurotypical kids.  and all you see is a huge gulf in realities.

I have no point other than that.  I guess I'm just tired this week.
N

bad week part 2

well, this is what happens after I post embarrassing pictures of our home:

Like my excellent friend Angela says...."I can do anything for 5 min."

I miss her.  :(

and just now my PRN job asked me if I could come in for a day shift, but I work tonight, so I had to say no.  I miss my little peepers at my PRN job, their little smiles and habits.  sniff.  but I get to be there on the 21st so I have that to look forward to.  :)

nite again.  nubs

bad week

well, this was an "ice-cream w/ cherry on top" week. well, no; not really.

I picked up a bug from work last weekend, I have two prime suspects in mind, and am fairly sure what I had, neither requiring antibiotics, merely time flat on my back in bed since monday...time I really didn't have to be flat on my back in bed.  But there I was in bed feeling like a ton of bricks landed on me.  Meanwhile, we find out on Monday that Bub has grown/developed/advanced enough that he doesn't "Need" summer school.  Yayee for Bub, but boo for me and Joe.

We are freaking out.  what the eff are we going to do for 3 months?  no horse riding all summer.... no school... no little friends to expect to see...  no bus ride...  no packing lunches/breakfasts in the am w/ momma... no ritual of getting the backpack and jumpsuit... more...

so I'm in bed half dead and freaking out.  Joe is struggling to occupy a very intent on being contrary Zber, and a Bub who misses seeing momma doing the momma stuff around the house.  I stayed in my room so they wouldn't get sick from kissing on me.  It seems to have worked. so the house is a disaster.

Living room before I got sick

Kitchen before I got sick

Living room Saturday nite

Living room saturday nite

Kitchen saturday nite

I worked Saturday night, and wasn't tired this morning yet, so I tackled the dishes and made french toast.  Joe helped get the kids dressed for church and we went.  disaster.  we made it 1 hour into the service.

Bub was angry that Grandma didn't bring HER Ipad...his wasn't good enough. (Grandma didn't think we would make it since I worked last nite)  Z didn't want to sit still, and kept screaming "no" at every attempt to do something quiet.  Joe was not feeling well.  I had been up for 21 hrs at that point.  we left.  didn't have the power to keep at it.  neither the packet of starburst Grandma fed Bub nor the sensory soothers I was doing to Bub seemed to be helping, and Z was jealous both of us were focusing on keeping Bub from crying/screaming.  So we left church.  All I can say is, I really tried.

I stayed up until 4 today so Joe could start on mowing the lawn, it's been so rainy (thank God for the rain!!!) that he hasn't been able to get to it, and we have a wilderness on our lot that I am heartily ashamed of.  It was so bad that Joe decided to borrow his parent's tractor mower rather than even attempt it w/ our push mower.  well, a belt broke just as he finished the front lawn, so tomorrow while I sleep, he will be purchasing a new belt and attempting to fix it so he can finish the lawn...but in the meantime we are forcasted for more rain in the next day or two.  So the wilderness continues.

My hope of starting a container garden this week will have to wait until at least Thursday.    meanwhile, maybe I can get the house back up to snuff.  maybe. 

I passed out around 4pm today, and got up around 11pm.  Now I'm just trying to motivate myself to NOT go to the 24 hr Whataburger and stay home and start cooking some stuff so Joe can feed the kiddos some good food for the next two days I work and not feed the kids nuggets and hotdogs.  lol    But I really want a cheeseburger and onion rings.  I really suck.  lol

Nite, here's hoping for a better week.  :)  At least I got the kitchen cleaned up this morning. 


nubs

Another pleasant valley sunday

So, today I gave Joe the ultimatum talked Joe into going to Church.  I sometimes think going to Church is harder on Joe than me for some reason that I have yet to uncover.  Grandma & Grandpa were there along with Cousin K.  Zbear was really excited to see Cousin K and kept yelling her name all around the foyer and wouldn't get out of the doorway so other people could get in.  (#1 of "really?!?")

Bub was pretty excited too.  I had him come over to say hi to one of the ladies that has always taken a very kind and caring interest of Bub, and he came over ("really?!?" #2) and dashed away making Momma (me) chase him up the alter area.  So I guess he didn't want to say "hi".  Puff.

then "really?!?" #3- during announcements, he did it again.  yeah.  But it was ok.  no one flipped out at us.

Now, for some heart-wrenching confessions:
one of my previously unpublished and untalked about reasons for avoiding going to church was right in my face today.  I have been praying a lot about forgiving such a small thing, but it was really hurtful to me and I have been having a very difficult time letting go, and it has been one of the reasons Joe and I have not been going to Church for a while. (FYI- Joe likes to give in to me when he can)
  
Background ramble:
A person did a small thing in June when I was really emotionally fragile after a very hard event at work, but at the time I felt really betrayed because of it.  I had really loved this person and looked up to her.  and I really don't even know why she did what she did, and I suspect by the way she was acting today she doesn't even realize she hurt me.  But hurt I was, and it was kind of ironic because some long time before June I had spent time trying to build her (the person that hurt me) up after she had been hurt by someone else who (now seeing in perspective) probably had no idea that she had hurt the first person in the first place. 

(you try writing about convoluted crap without naming names and see how clear you can be....)  

Anyhow, so I had decided to not go to that particular Church for a awhile because I was angry and hurt and didn't feel that I would have a heart of worship if I was there and seething about this person, nor did I feel that I had my hurt enough under control to confront this person in a loving way.  I was feeling very unloving towards her.  I had tried to go to Church, and all I could do was feel mad and not concentrate on the service and stare at her back and hair and be angry and think very unkind thoughts.  Made me feel like a hypocrite.  I hate hypocrites.
At least I have enough right about me to have realized I was not right in this.  So in my patented way of dealing with emotional baggage that overwhelms me, I ran away.  Yes, apparently I can read Jonah, and it can be my favorite and the most meaningful book in the OT to me, and Yes, I apparently learn nothing from it- or I should say, I learn the WRONG thing from it.
We tried going to other Churches, but they didn't feel right.  yet another little voice saying, "nina, you are a dumbass.  deal with the problem, stop running away"

So today, day 1 dealing with the problem.  I was polite.  I didn't sit behind her.  I focused on the message.  I had my usual little thought about how I wished they didn't play music during the prayer because it distracts me.  She came up and hugged me and told me she missed me.  I smiled and said "thanks" and got a little less bent out of shape, and felt a little less like a hypocrite.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to confront her about hurting me, but at least I don't feel as angry as I did, and maybe some love is creeping back in.