ugh

foolishly agreed to pick up a shift on Thursday->Friday.  one of my kiddo's sneezed in my face b4 I had time to duck (ew) and got sicky from it..  got a 2 hour nap in Friday morning before hauling my butt to Bub's school's alternative to special olympics because I promised I would be there, and Joe did not show any interest in coming w/ Zber.  So here I go, w/ no make-up, eye bags down to my knees and a sniffly sneezy nose.  I bet you I could've won a few beauty awards...
Poor Bub was having a hard time, kept hitting himself.  I ended up sitting w/ him and letting him look at the pictures on my camera.  He did do most of the activities, but was happiest when we left the noisy, busy, crowded gym in a school he'd never been to before....yeah.
So I spent the rest of the day sleeping the crud off...thought I was feeling better, but really wasn't.  am about to go to bed and hope I feel up to work tomorrow...cuz I'm scheduled a 4-day rotation.  I just want to cry.

here's to a night of healing sleep please.

Nubs

time for medication?

Ok- I'm putting it out there.
Joe & I have been seriously talking about doing some trials of medications for Bub's behaviors.  For the past 3 months be has begun behaviors of self-abuse, and aggression towards others, mainly towards Joe and I, and started tantruming again..  The realistic part of me and the clinical part of me know that once a behavior begins, it is likely to continue despite my wishing it wouldn't.  This is sucky.  I really hoped medication would not be in my vocabulary for my Bub.  I really was hoping non-pharmaceutical interventions would be enough.  unfortunately, I am rethinking this position.  boo.

I got a call from Bub's Occupational Therapist today.  We have been talking w/ him lately about Bub's progress.  well, really it's been a lack of progress for the past 90 days.  At least he hasn't been regressing...I'd be crying my eyes out over that.  So we are taking a 6 mo break from OT starting today.  He'll still be getting OT at school, and since he qualifies for Extended School Year (ESY) and it is one-on-one unlike his school supplied Speech Therapy which is a group setting; he'll be getting it thru school during this time.
     But I'm pretty depressed about taking a break.  I mean, yes, it's that much more money we'll be saving because therapy is %*&@#! expensive even WITH insurance.  Let's just say I could easily spend half my monthy salary on Bub's therapy.  But it's not about the money, it's about what is best for Bub.  If he is getting more frustration from OT than success/help, then it is better to take a pause and let him mature.  It's just kinda heart-breaking, you know?
     And then I worry about the hassle I'm going to have to go thru to get him back into therapy after 6 months.  I'll have to get a new script from his pediatrician, which will probably include a yearly physical and the yearly lecture on how the CDC recommends Bub having these particular vaccines at this particular time.  Yeah, I know ALL about the CDC.  the CDC can bite me cuz here in Texas, -I- can decide what vaccines my kids get and when, thanks to my philosophical exemption that I keep up to date.  If you don't like it, I will take my medical business elsewhere. 
     So after I deal w/ his pediatrician and the yearly vaccine lecture....then I will have to tackle my insurance co to make sure they will cover it...the whole proverbial, "you stopped doing it, so why start back again?  Is this REALLY medically necessary".  are you serious?!!???!
     Then after that, I will have to have Bub have another OT assessment to find his baseline and then find out what his goals are and then hope he starts making progress again. Bub does not deal well with testing environments....yayee me.

So I'm thinking this might be a good time to start the discussion w/ his pediatrician about meds.  I know risperidone and seroquel can be very helpful.  I have seen them in action on other kids.  I'm also reading up on Abilify which has recently been approved for kids with autism.  Out of the three, Abilify seems to have the least scary side-effects.

This is a crappy situation to be in, and a crappy thing to think about, and a crappy thing to live.  I'm feeling pretty crappy if you haven't guessed.

Nubs

me and my mixups

Direct quote from me not 2 hours ago...

"Yeah, I think I might be ordering a X-chest ray tonight"

This is only after 12 hours in a 3 day rotation.

Lord love me, help me make sure I don't forget to bring coffee with me tonight....

Nubs

bunk beds!

Here it is!  the bunk beds we BOLTED to the walls and then strapped down the mattresses to the frames to keep Bub from using it as climbing materials to the ceiling. 

Climbing!

So how do I get to the top?

Oh!  that's how!

hey!  the ceiling fan is gone!

Bub's new look-out!

Nubs!

I am officially an adult now

We bought an used SUV yesterday.  I wrote the biggest check I've ever written in my life.  I'm still freaking about it.  Thank you Income Tax refund...goodbye Income Tax refund...it was nice to pretend I wasn't a struggling post-student trying to pay off her student loan and all her family's bills....

Here is my (husband's) new ride...

At least it will be big enough for Bub as he is growing like a weed.  My little man is wearing size 7 length, and a size 5 waist.  Do you know how hard that makes it to find anything that fits that I don't have to find time to alter?!?  Do you know how hard it is for me to find time to alter crap?  I have stuff for myself I mean to alter that has been sitting in the "alter and repair" box for the last 5 moves?  I really do suck at times....

Next paycheck's investment:  buy Zbear a new front-facing car seat.  I wanted to just move Bub into a booster and move Z into his old seat, but Bub seems to be overly possessive about it...so I'm thinking it's a no-go.  boo.

Well, now I do not need to be afraid every time I start the Geo that it will die on me and I will be stranded out in the middle of 1844 in the very wee hours of the morning playing roulette with my cell phone on which friend will be least pissed at me for calling and begging to be rescued....now Joe will be able to rescue me!  yayee  :)

Nubs!

holiday confessions

I have a sad little known fact about me.  I am not a holiday person.  I really don't like going to all the fuss of making holiday dishes, decorations, events because of a day on the calendar.  If I want to make something, I'll make it regardless of the time of year.  However Easter is the exception.  I do enjoy Easter and the prep work.  I don't do the easter bunny, but I do Easter eggs.  small children preclude the use of fake grass.
Typically, if I am doing holiday stuff, it's for someone else I care about to whom it is important.  If I was still single and living on my own...holidays would not be part of my reality. 

the real secret is:  (I'm so terrible)...I really like it that Bub is unaware of most holidays and Zbear is too young to be learned in the art of holiday expectations so I can get out of doing holiday crap (mostly).  bahahaha!  I am so bad.

So w/ the exception of Easter, and Christmas once in a while if I'm especially missing my Mom, I avoid the fuss of holidays and I intend to keep it that way as long as Zbear lets me.   I give it another year if I'm lucky, as Grandma is a BIG holiday person and is usually the one who gives me the proverbial "kick in the pants" to be a good momma and teach her kids holiday traditions by instilling the expectations to my kiddos.  Which is fine, I just like to laugh at myself.  (yes she reads this)  :)  

Thus explains my effort of Babka, and we did do easter eggs with Grandma, but Bub recently discovered that he can see pictures and short videos of himself and Zbear on my camera and has taken to sneaking off with it to do his own private viewing, and hiding of said camera.  Therefore, my camera was hidden by Bub during the egg coloring.  Grandma took pictures but I haven't gotten any yet.  (hint)  *winks*

The coloring was sad.  the dye wouldn't stay on the eggs so they looked all mottled and mangy, Zbear kept trying to drink the dye and eat the egg, shell and all, and ended up pouring orange dye on her purple outfit.

mottled eggs at Easter Dinner on Saturday since I worked on Sunday and had to sleep after church

Teaching Zbear the traditional egg cracking game

Bub only peals and smooshes the eggs, he won't eat them if not scrambled

Zbear in her Easter dress my Mom made her

Why are you snapping my picture momma?

Upright view of the cuteness

Love the thumb-sucking  :)

It was a nice Easter, our church did our Easter cantata in which I was a participant and it went very nicely.  I got home, sugared up the kids and took a nap so Joe had to deal w/ sugar-freak kids  (hahahahahahahah).  Then I went to work (boo) and had a rough night.  unfortunately I can't talk about it...I'm glad HIPPA exists to protect patients, but it sucks that I can't vent about stuff.  It's like I'm a spy...I have vital info that can't be shared...Nurse007.  lol.

Christ is Risen!  He is Risen indeed!

Nubs!

Babka!

One of the Ukrainian traditions I strongly hold to is having Babka for Easter.

Sadly, I do not live near an Orthodox Church of any variety (there are 2 small ones in Tyler, but w/ my car the way it is, I'm not leaving town except for work)...and so I have nowhere to go to have it blessed on Easter Morning.

Which is weird that I even want to do that, since we only did that a few times when I was a kid, my parents choosing a Lutheran Church for us to worship in as a family (Dad-Eastern Catholic + Mom-Orthodox = LCMS Lutheran.  ????)   But for some reason, I was thinking it would be nice to make Babka myself and get it blessed.  I am such a nerdling.

So skipping the blessing, I'm making the Babka, This is the first time I have actually made it myself, as Mom usually sends me some every year.  As I was making it, I realized all the years I "helped" Mom make it, all I ever did was fight Ross about who got to "punch" it down after each rising (there are 3 risings). Called Mom and we laughed about that.  :)  Had to describe how I was kneading the dough to her to make sure I was doing it right, cuz it's not like kneading bread...you have to grab a blob and pull, over and over for 10+ min or it won't bake right.  so here I am on the phone describing how the dough is pulling off the sides of the bowl and stretching, and Mom's saying "yeah, yeah, yeah" the way she does, and I am wishing Dad would just get off his butt about changing their DIAL-UP internet to anything that is faster so I could just send Mom a quick picture or stream her a video to make sure I'm doing this right!!!!!  Oh Dad and his refusal to pay for anything that can be gotten for free, even if the free sucks, it's free...right?  (help me, this is in my genes too)

There is a recipe in here for sheep brains.....

So here is my Babka recipe adapted from the "Traditional Ukrainian Cookery" by Savella Stechishin
It has multiple steps that have to be done separately b4 you can mix it all together.  very process driven.

Step 1:
1 C. soy milk
1/3 cup "flour"
Boil/scald the soy milk and mix into the flour slowly w/ a wisk. 
   I don't own a wisk as Bub decided it would be fun to dismantle it, I used a fork

beat thoroughly until smooth and free of lumps
     not having a wisk, my batter was lumpy, the book suggests putting it thru a sieve if necessary...it was necessary.  I felt like I was making spaetzle!!!!

Babka "spaetzle"

Cool to lukewarm

While I was boiling the soymilk I started step 2:
1/2 c. lukewarm water
2 tsp sugar
3 packages dry granular yeast  (I have a huge amount of jarred yeast, so I used 3 Tablespoons) 
Dissolve sugar into lukewarm water (MUST BE LUKEWARM!!) add yeast cover w/ tea towel and let rest until bubbly

While boiling and waiting I started step 3:
10-12 egg yolks (I used 11)
2 whole eggs


Separate the eggs, save the whites for a different recipe
I put my whites into a ice cube tray and froze them for other stuff

*Side story time...*
As I began to separate the eggs, I remembered the post I read yesterday from Rue Rice about making Cascarones with her kids...what the heck!  we're going to be coloring eggs tomorrow, lets do that too since I'm going to have 12+ empty egg shells...  So I spent a lot of time carefully tapping small holes on the tops of the eggs so I could save the shells.  I am TRULY a super-nerd.
*Side story time over*

by now the yeast should be bubbly, so back to step 2:
Mix soymilk/flour mixture w/ yeast mixture.  fold well. let it rise again until tall and bubbly in a warm quiet place
I use my microwave so I don't have to worry about any munchkins sticking their hands into it.  ;)

Bubbly yeast-flour-soymilk brew

Back to step 3:
1 tsp Salt
1 cup sugar
1 cup melted Parve Margarine "butter"
2 tsp vanilla
grated rind of 1 lemon
I forgot to buy a lemon, so I used orange zest instead

Beat the yolks and eggs with the salt.  Slowly add the sugar, vanilla and zest.  Melt the "butter" and let it cool before adding

while I was waiting for the "butter" to cool, I started step 4:
Sift 5-6 cups "flour"

extreme couponing

Extreme couponing is on the TV right now, and half my attention is listening to it.  and I wonder...how far is this from hoarding?  Some of these people are getting things in such excess they will never use it.  Some of them donate it to charities...and that is awesome, but others catalog it, organize it, and hold on to it.  Is it that they are organized about it that keeps them from being a hoarder?  where is the line? 

I have an incredible friend that does couponing, she tried to teach me how to do it, but I don't have the time or energy to put into organizing and planning (and I hate shopping) to make it as awesome as she does it.  she gives a lot of it away.  I don't consider what she does as hoarding...but some of these women on this show seem to cross the line. 

Maybe that's why I tend to shy away from massive couponing...I'm afraid I'll cross the line....  I use coupons and typically save anywhere from $15-50 on a shopping trip, but I've seen her get paid for over $300 worth of products.  theoretically, I'd like to do that...but WHERE would I keep all of it?!?

The show just ended, "Hoarding" just started.  Joe dived for the remote and changed the channel before I got sucked into the sickness of that show.  I get really upset watching that show, and Joe, Bless him tries to keep me away from the sick fascination I have for it...like looking at trauma photos.  (at least those are cool and I can try to guess what kind of treatments, med, procedures could happen for that injury...)

Nubs

Last Friday

Well, last Friday started as a normal day.  I got home from work, retrieved the babbling Zber so Joe could sleep a little longer before the get to school routine started.  Then Z was in such a good mood (after the diaper change) I decided to let HER wake up the bub.  I don't often do that since Bub is very protective of his room, but I thought it would be cute.  So Z tackles Bub in bed and he's giggling about it, and gets up to get to the fridge to make himself a choco-silk and I notice my poor boy is covered in HIVES!!!!

What the????   It's all over his arms, legs and back, and around his right eye!  It was all red and puffy and itchy looking.  So of course the Nurse takes over, gets his temp, makes sure he's not having any resp distress and that his throat isn't swelling up (not an easy task to get him to open his mouth so I can look when he'd rather play w/ my penlight which is lighting up his throat).  His vitals are fine, so I go retrieve the benedryl, which is the ONLY medication he will take without me having to hide it in soda. call Joe to watch Zber and toss him in a baking soda bath.  (I know oatmeal would have been good, but with his skin like that, I'm not chancing any gluten cross-contamination).  poor guy.  the hives stayed with him until Saturday night and we were dosing him w/ benedryl every 4 hours.  Needless to say, he did NOT go to school on Friday (crap, I just remembered I forgot to send a note to school w/ him today...)  I wish I would have taken pictures of it, I did think of it, but I decided not to put Bub thru that indignity, poor lamb.

So after Bub is semi-comfortable and Baby Einstein is playing, Joe and I go to his room to try to figure out what did that to him.  I know it wasn't a food infraction, b/c the behaviors weren't there, plus we know what we feed him, and for the timing of that reaction it had to have happen at home and not at school.  The only thing we could figure out was that maybe there were flea eggs in the carpet from the last tenants who DID have a dog (we found lots of dog hair when we did the initial pre-move-in scrub) and now that it's spring they hatched and jumped on Bub.  He has some scabbing, but it looks more like scratch scabs than bite scabs.  I know when Shada was a puppy and she got fleas, I reacted the same way to them before I got the apartment flea-bombed and Shada on Frontline.

So Joe calls our wonderful Landlord and gets permission to rip out the carpet and put in linoleum.  yayee!  we had to wait till today to get it tho, (finances...) and we got a great deal from Philips Flooring on Judson.  Here are some before and after shots.  :)

No carpet

 (We still don't know what that green stuff is....)

 Pretty  ookie, huh?

Here's the laminate we chose, its a full piece

 Begin the installation!

 Go Joe Go!

 Of course Zbear has to explore too!

 

Yayee!  Finite! 

We are thinking we are going to paint his room a yellowy-orange, but we need to get permission first.  Also, we are going to retrieve the bunk-bed from Grandma's house and bolt them to the wall so Bub will have a safe climbing environment and his bed off the floor.  we had to remove his bed-frame because he was taking the mattress off and using the bedframe as a ladder to the ceiling fan...not a fun thing to walk into and discover....  we also want to remove the ceiling fan and put in a flat ceiling light, and since Grandpa is a licensed electrician, we shouldn't have any problem with that, woo hoo!

Nubs!

Autism part 1: things that are hard

 As I am in a good mood and no longer banging my head on the wall over behavioral issues...I thought I would go ahead and post part 1.  Part 2 was posted here.

The understanding gap.  One day Bub understands things, the next is like he has no clue what is being said to him.  It's like the circuit in his head to his language processing areas aren't reliable, sometimes they work, other times they don't.

He has a hard time concentrating on "non-interesting" things (to him).  I've actually been considering going to see his behavioral pediatrician again to discuss possible meds that may help his concentration level.  I've been reading up on alternative therapies as well, I hear good things about Chiropractics, but since my experience in seeing one that was WAAAAY too deep into new age beliefs and practices, I'm kinda scared of venturing into that pool to find one that may be helpful...

He doesn't usually understand how his actions have an affect on other people, that he at times (most times, honestly) considers other people as objects.  That he forgets/doesn't understand that other people have feelings too.  That other people can hurt, be sad, be scared just like he can be.

Inappropriate laughter.  I really hate it.  Especially when I walk in and find him doing something HE KNOWS is naughty, but did it anyway.  It is so hard to stifle the mad and be rational when he is sitting there giggling his ass off while you are TRYING to explain why what he did is wrong.

Not knowing what filters into his brain.  example: for 6 years this kiddo would not keep a bandaid on for more than 1 second.  after he cut his finger after breaking a window (oh yeah, that was a great day...) he finally understood that bandaids help stop the bleeding and make you better.  Yeah, he gets that now.  He gets that so well that he is freaking out if he has ANY cut/bruise/hangnail without a bandaid on it.  one extreme to the next...

Hiding his skills and knowledge.  I know what he can do.  His teachers know what he can do.  His therapists know what he can do.  Put him in a testing situation with people who don't know him, and he shuts down and is labeled as "severely below".  This from a kid who can write his own name, write 1-20 & match things that are the same.  I know "normal" kids at age 6 that can't write their names or write 1-20 or match.  puff.

Some of the rituals that have become our life.  I hate when they start and I can't find a way to interrupt it before it becomes established.  I hate that it takes months upon months just to modify it a tad so it's not so touchy.

How obsessive he gets with certain things.  He will fixate on one toy or activity for several weeks, and woe to the person that keeps him from it or touches it.

He only rarely tries new foods and point blank refuses foods that are "mixed up" (casseroles, sheperd's pie, beef stroganoff, etc), or have sauce other than ketchup.  (!)  but if it's a candy/pastry/sweet he will eat the whole plate and get sick.  I know it all ties into his sensory processing, but huff!!!  HE USED TO EAT THAT STUFF and NOW HE WON'T!!!! 

He's afraid of cats.  and big dogs.  and little turtles and lizards. 

How some people stare at him in public when he's enduring a stim that is loud or visually big.  It sucks how they think it's ok to stare at him, but if people started staring at them they would be uncomfortable.  Just because he's doing something "weird" to help himself calm down doesn't mean he doesn't notice them staring...

It's very hard that when I try to be reasonable and gear myself up for accepting the possibility of the worst-case-senario about Bub's future, instead of listening and helping me start to plan for the worst, and hope for the best...I usually always get, "oh, he'll be fine...He's going to turn around".  This is autism.  Kids don't just "turn around".  Kids and their parents and their teachers work their asses off for weeks and months to -maybe- see minimal changes, like holding a pencil the "right" way 8 out of 10 times.  Bub is 6.  he's not talking.  The chances of him talking are low at this point, not impossible, just low.  I -NEED- to be realistic about that or because otherwise, it will break my heart.  why can't people  understand that?

Nubs.

1...2...3...NOT IT!

At my facility, on my wing, we have a few undisclosed number of call lights for the few undisclosed number of patients who are able to USE a call light and UNDERSTAND what they are doing.  (Not many Long -Term care facilities can boast of this WONDEROUS perk)  (lol).

So, It's really funny at night, because there are 3 Nurses, 4 CNAs (if everybody shows up), and 1 RT.  The minute a call light goes off, you can see all of us WHIP our heads towards the variously assigned undisclosed number of call lights...and tho you don't hear it...we are all screaming "NOT IT!" when it isn't our call light.

We're like prairie dogs popping our heads up to find out if we need to start freaking out if an eagle is comin' to get us.  Bwahahahah!

Of course, the Nurse/CNA who's section has the call-light going off soon has dejected shoulders and a quote of "REALLY?!?" because chances are, she/he just left the room less than 20 minutes ago.  (and yes there are days I participate in this ritual too.)

But to be fair, there are days the call-lights aren't going off in tandem, and the undisclosed number of patients with a call-light are being very nice and let us do our jobs in peace.  I love all my little patient "babies" (even the big ones), but sometimes these things make me laugh...after I'm finished being frustrated/mad because it's making it that much harder to finish all my work the the 12 hours I have...which isn't that much really between the med passes, treatments, paperwork, parent calls, calling for orders, verifying orders that seem jacked-up, pharmacy orders, lab reviews, restocking my cart/med room cause the last shift didn't stock as well as I would like them to have stocked, blah blah...see what I mean?

Nubs!

good and better

I think the teeth grinding,  etc... worked.  no poop on the carpet.  I'm taking it.  :)

(of course, if I keep this up eventually I'm going to end up making some dentist rich...)

Nubs

huff puff

So again, I choose to see positive...thru gritted teeth....and clenched fists...and internal kicking and screaming that comes out as a nod and smile.

Bub having a poop incident & pouring mouthwash all over the carpet equals:  "HEY, we don't have to buy special carpet cleaner to get Bub's room minty fresh!"

My computer not working equals:  "HEY, I have more time to spend keeping my house clean and doing things w/ my family...maybe I can do more gardening and knitting too"



Ok, only two bad things happened today...that's not so bad really...and Joe graciously informed me that I may use his computer and *implied* that he would limit his WOW time so I can get on the PC too.

I'm just sad, cuz I usually have to induce sleep via spider solitaire on my PC, and now it's gone...I'm going to have to go thru a few more boxes to find an OLD cell phone that had a game that used to put me to sleep before I switched to spider sol.  

and if nothing else, if it's too pricey to fix the laptop (prolly will be), Joe knows how to remove the hard drive so we can capture all my docs and pictures and stuff from the recently deceased PC.  so I'm not too upset...kinda.

Joe and I are talking about getting some kind of linoleum for Bub's room.  It won't stop the poop incidents, but it would make clean up a lot easier.  We have to start by finding the right kind (no surface textures) and pricings, and make SURE we get permission from our landlord before we start.  I pressed that point REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to Joe, cuz he gets all excited about a project and jumps right in sometimes...When we bought our first a/c wall unit, Joe cut out a hole in the wall that was bigger than the unit....yeah.  At least we OWNED that place.   and then, there was the time he tried to install my pot rack with out checking for studs first in a rental apartment...we didn't get that security deposit back...

well, I have 1 more day off before my next 3 day rotation and I intend to be happy in it...even if it is thru gritted teeth, clenched fists, and w/ internal kicking and screaming.  Nod and smile is what I do best.  lol


Nubs.

Taxes? What the ?????

-5.5
That is my tax percentage.  NEGATIVE five point five.

HOW THE HECK DOES THAT WORK?!?

I am no longer a poor student w/ a family eking by...I'm a professional, w/ a full-time job, with benefits, we're not rich, but we are doing ok... ... ...Why did I not only NOT have to pay any taxes, but got paid to not make enough money to pay taxes?  Really, I'm not griping, I just want to understand.

Someone explain to me how the poor and middle-class are overtaxed please.  I'm not buying it anymore at this point.

I am really starting to believe "the rich" are the only people who DO pay taxes...and that's not fair to them. 

I'm starting to be a believer of a flat tax.

Nubs.

Autism part 2: things I love

I have been working on this for a few days, and after last night...I felt I needed to post this first because I need to remind myself of positive things.  Bub had a VERY BAD TERRIBLE AWFUL NO GOOD NIGHT last night, which culminated in me scrubbing poop off his floor for about an hour and a half.  I was feeling pretty discouraged.  ok, WAY more than pretty discouraged.  but I've had some sleep, I got most of the poop covered items cleaned by now...just some bedding to rewash to ensure it's really clean.  I work tonight and the next 3 days...so poor Joe is going to be dealing w/ any Bub fall out by himself...and I really feel bad about that.

So here is my attempt to remind myself of all the wonderful things of Bub.  I'll post part 1 when I'm not ready to bang my head on the wall repeatedly....

I love the focus autism give Bub on the things he loves to do.

I love how he loves doing artwork to express himself.  I don't care about the paint on his shirt, markers on his face, crayons hidden in his bed, stickers on the windows, glue on the floor.  I love it.  I love watching him focus on cutting strips of paper like he is making the best masterpiece in the world.  And he is.

I love his "Elaborations" 

I love how he remembers things.  He has his favorite Baby Einstein episode memorized, he goes up to the TV and points to where the next toy is coming out, or to show the order the things are going to be moved.

I love that he knows how to write his name and that it means him.

I love that deep compression soothes him, so snuggling w/ Momma is a cherished commodity to him.  I love that he needs big hugs not just for the sensory stimulus, but also for the love.

I love that Bub is able to connect to people.  He remembers people even if they're not sure he does, he does.  He knows who loves him and who is "afraid" of him, and treats them accordingly.

I love that bub likes to read catalogs, even if he doesn't care for books except as building material.

I love how he tries to be helpful...even when it's not.

I love how he sneaks my coffee away in the morning. (tho I feel bad for his teachers when he does it before school)

I love how he is trying to be gentle with people who are smaller than he is.  and trying to be patient with people who have less patience than he does.

I love when he learns a thing, he knows a thing.  You can't trick him about it.

I love to see how proud of himself he is when he masters a new skill.  His face beams for days and he constantly does the skill over and over to show the world what he can do.

I love that he likes to be held when we're singing hymns in church.

I love the humming songs he makes when he's playing by himself, even if it is just a stim

I love how he buries himself in his blanket when he sleeps, and pulls me into his cocoon when I try to wake him up in the morning.

one of "those" days

Firstly: Happy Birthday Dorlaine!  We all send hugs and kisses to you!

Now:
Today was one of "those" days.  I suspected it may be when Bub decided to start flopping on the ground when we arrived at therapy.  I couldn't figure out why he was flopping.  He just started flopping on the ground and laying there.  He loves therapy, so maybe he was having a bad start of the day.  But we didn't have any issues w/ behavior before we left...so who knows.

Then going to school from therapy, he began flopping again.  It was getting old at this point.  His therapist said it was a good session...no verbalizations, but lots of signing.  So, again, who knows...

Finally, he got dropped off from school 1 hour earlier than normal.  I suspect he was acting up on the bus, and the driver (bless her heart) said to herself, "hell no!" and left her normal route to drop him off with us as soon as she could.  Just a guess tho.

So, he begins w/ wanting a new band-aid. He has no boo-boo's right now.  His skin is completely intact EVERYWHERE (I gave him a bath last night, so I know).  No bruises, no scratches, no scabs, nothing.  He wants a band-aid.  Momma's not playing this game today, so I say no, and shoosh him out of the bathroom.  OOOOHHH the wailing i got out of him.  Z started to join in.  Bub decided he didn't like Z fussing when he is fussing, so he started to try to pick her up and dump her off in a different room.  Yeah, Momma wasn't letting that happen either.  So MORE fussing and wailing from both of them...and I'm TRYING to make them some kind of dinner cuz I know that is prolly THE root issue.  So with them fussing, I go for quick, thinking I'll make the lamb shanks I got on special today later on for me and Joe once they are in bed.

I whip out a can of Bub-safe ravioli and while that's cooking, I cut up a mango and strawberries for their side dish.  Z is totally happy w/ the prospect of dinner and dives in, with all her tomato-smeared-face glory.

Bub, decides to be contrary, and the ravioli is unacceptable.  I am tired of this by now, and I decide today is the contest of wills.  he will eat the ravioli, or he will go to bed.

Needless to say, after an hour of Joe and I "arguing" w/ him, he's in bed, unhappy, grumpy, and whiny.  I have a headache, and Joe is going out to hang out with some guy friends of his.   gee I wonder why...

Welcome to my world.

Nubs.

nightmares- 1

Just woke up from a nightmare.  It was very distorted and jumbled.  it was one of those powerless dreams, but I wasn't really powerless b/c I was doing something...

We were in our trailer from Eau Claire (over 10 yrs ago)  I was in the living room on my laptop *which I've only had since '07* and my monitor was broken in half, but still attached and if I angled it right it worked.  but I would get...not shocks, but some kind of sensation when I touched the screen.  the phone ringed, and Joe answered it.  I was fussing w/ the screen and he told me it was for me.  I grabbed the phone and started telling who ever it was that I would have to call back before Bub or Z started messing with my PC,  then I realized there was no one on the phone, and my sister was standing right behind me.  I started crying, I was so happy to see her, I almost tackled her, but I made myself fall instead b/c I didn't want to chance hurting her w/ everything else going on.  so I fell w/ my head near my computer, and I smelled smoke.  and I saw smoke, and the room was suddenly dark and empty.  I couldn't figure out where the smoke was coming from, except my PC, but it was off, and no sign of fire.  i couldn't understand why the smoke alarm wasn't going off.  I got up and tried to turn the light on for the ceiling fan, but it wouldn't turn on even when I kept pulling the string.  In my dream I remembered that I already paid the electric bill this month so the power couldn't be turned off.  I started calling for Joe to come and help figure out the light and where the smoke was coming from.  I *you guessed it* had no voice.  I was trying to yell and couldn't and started panicking.

then I woke up.

I have never had a fire dream.  shadowy man in the bushes, yes.  Flooding dreams, yes.  being chased, yes.  weird science fiction type loss of air, yes.  Fire, no. 

I think there is something here that is significant. I'm not sure what.  I have a feeling it will become apparent in a few months if I look back at it from a hindsight kind of view.
well.  my heart rate has returned to normal now.  I'm going to get a drink and try to go back to sleep.

Nubs

Balancing act: Bub and Z = Autism vs "Normal"

Some days I really struggle w/ balancing btwn Bub and Z's needs and wants.  On one hand, Bub was used to being the ONLY for 5 years, and although Z has MELLOWED him out by leaps and bounds, he struggles w/ the need for attention from Momma.  Meanwhile, Z insists on Momma time too, and I want to spend a lot of time w/ her focusing on learning age-appropriate skills and hawk-eyed watching for any red flags.

While it may be described as unusual for a child w/ autism to seek out attention, Bub thrives on attention.  He creates antics to GET you to pay attention to him, and loves it when you join in & play w/ him.  He even gets Z to play w/ him even though she has no clue as to what she is supposed to be doing.

and then I think about what is life going to be like once Z catches up to Bub and surpasses his skills and mentality level?  Will I have spent enough time with her by then to teach her to be loving, patient, compassionate, and kind to her brother?  Will I spend too much time trying to help Bub compensate for her skills and make her bitter and resentful of her brother?  Will I be able to continue balancing the two of them in a way that leaves everyone happy, or will I be a spaz and blind to the reality of the situation.

Right now they love each other very much.  I hope I will be able to keep the balance so they continuing loving each other the rest of their lives.  (I'm getting all sobby now, I really suck today- sorry)

Nubs

results of Bub's ARD

So, Bub finally had his ARD on Friday, April 1st.  Originally it was scheduled for the Wednesday before, but we rescheduled b/c our meeting time was 9:45am, and no one had come out to tell us anything by 10:30am, and I was scheduled to work that night and I had been up since noon the day before.  I was TIRED!  I needed SOME sleep so I could competently take care of my kiddo's at work that night.  as it was I only got about 4 hours, and the nurse I relieved gave me a hard time about looking like the cat dragged me in...but I digress.  Joe was pretty upset about the meeting being held up, but I knew something had happened, that they were having a dispute and had to resolve it before the meeting could end...and I was right.

Anyhow, it went really well.  Bub has made improvements, not as much as I hoped for, but enough to be very happy with.  Next year Bub will be in a classroom of 7-12 y/o's and will spend at least 1 hr a day w/ a kindergarten class where he will also be with kids from the Deaf Education program and their ASL interpreter!  Also, the time he will spend in the Kindergarten class will be MATH!  Bub loves numbers and counting.

It was a very good meeting, and I am so looking forward to Mr. Man's next school year  :)


Nubs!

Bub's riding event (squared)

Windridge's Annual Horse and Rider event featuring my BUB!

I believe Bub is signing "move forward" while Lady Kate (his horse) is walking.

Walking along

His Instructor Valerie and team of volunteers

Signing "Horse"

  

Awards w/ Daddy

Award and dismount!

Sno-balls are a must!  Yum!

And of course, his devoted fans! 

Nubs!