Sunday, November 04, 2012

Wake up!

This is Zbugs favorite thing to say.  my heart is very relieved that she is verbalizing more and more, and is not just repeating what we say.  She's not on sentences yet, but she is starting original phrases.  Like today, when Joe took something away from her that she wasn't supposed to have, she said, "Daddy mean" while sniveling to me. 

She snivels.  to me, in corners, she puts herself in a cupboard and snivels.  I have to find a way to help her stop sniveling.  She's a very determined little girl, she is starting to be picky about what she wears and esp. what she eats...which is frustrating to me since Bub has major food issues.  One day she loves something and will not stop eating it, and 2 days later she will wrinkle her nose at it.  Yes she literally wrinkles her little nose.  It's hilarious...and I can't laugh while she does it.   But I want to.

Bub is currently obsessed with playing with water in the sink, pouring it into a container, then pouring from one container to another, like a mad scientist stereotype. it doesn't help that he giggles like mad while he is doing this.  after flooding our bathroom floor many times, we have limited him to the kitchen sink where we can at least keep an eye on him and avoid a floor flooding.  I would like this obsession to end, and of course it won't.

Bub continues to verbalize, he's getting better with answering yes/no questions.  He continues to say the first sound of words.  Joe and I are getting better at translation.  Today he hugged a random old man at church.  He doesn't do that.  I think the old man was put off by it.  what can I do?  he did good by being outgoing, he did bad by hugging someone do I teach in this moment?  yayee me.

here are some recent pictures...I am trying to be better about all this, but you know..I'm not really....

Thursday, September 27, 2012

off-label use of prescriptives

I've joined a new group on FB for parents and care-providers for children w/ autism.  One of the current threads I've been following and commenting on concerns a person who's child was prescribed a drug that is approved for children w/ autism, but the child is under the guideline age/weight, and the purpose of the script is off-label (fyi- that means the use of the drug for that purpose has not been officially studied, nor is it approved for that use by the FDA)

my big beef is that I get really tee-d off by drug companies using desperate parents who PAY THE DRUG COMPANY to basically be experimental subjects.  Then these same drug companies turn around and say their pre-release research is soooo expensive that they HAVE to have a monopoly on the drug for 7 years and force people to pay up the wahzoo during those 7 years.  and the clincher?  those 7 years are also used for research where you, the consumer, are paying the drug company to be a research subject.

What's happening during those 7 years?  they are starting the Long term results of extended use of the drug.  this is WHY we get drug recalls, and law suits against drug companies because of unforseen drug effects in the general population. 

It is the stupidest thing.  unless I am dying, I will NEVER take a drug that does not have a generic version. 

and now for my vaccine gripe- this is why my kids will NOT EVER get flu shots, H2N2 shots, or the stupid new HPV vaccine shots.  MAYBE when they are older, I may let them get a meningitis shot, but I'm still deciding on that one.  it's the same reason.  these companies RACE to get FDA approval, but they all have little if ANY (H2N2 specifically) research done on them. and Flu shots are hit or miss.  they literally guess which strain will be most virulent and make it for that, but there is really no knowing which strain of flu will be most pervasive in any flu season... I really believe unless you have other complications or are at a high risk of infection/respiratory problems, you should ignore the hype.  Healthy individuals are very likely able to fight most viral infections well. 

I get so mad at how backward this all is.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

sept 18, 2004

8 years ago, I was trying to sleep and not think about how I couldn't eat or drink anything.  Also savoring the last few kicks I would feel from the inside, knowing that all future kicks would be from the outside, and not very pleasant.  (I was right).

Love you Bub.  Happy Birthday.

Since I work on his birthday, we took him out to dinner Monday, to a chinese buffet, bc he LOVES picking out his own food himself.

I can't believe how well he does at it now.  I don't have to worry (as much) about him running off, grabbing food w/ his hands, or having a melt-down in public anymore (well- VERY rarely).  It helps that we go to these kinds of places around 4pm, and the only people there besides ourselves are some elderly people (really).  He of course chose chicken nuggets, french fries, fried shrimp, and jello.  I tried to interest him in some fruit, but that was a no go.  I don't really blame him, the fruit looked terrible, but I felt I had to do my "mom duty" and at least try to get him to eat something vaguely healthy.  lol  Also offered corn, and he pushed the spoon away and actually said "no".  How can I force him to eat it after he actually verbalized?

He behaved very well, did not play w/ the window blinds, or try to pour out all the salt on the table (the typical offenses).  His little sister however was awfully naughty during dinner, but then again, what 2 y/o can resist being naughty in public when there is such an audience to perform for?

My mom sent a birthday package that was waiting for us once we got home.  I let Bub open it all by himself, and he really liked what he found inside.  Zbug liked her unbirthday presents as well.  Before we had left for dinner, I had Bub get on the phone to my parents and "count" to ten for them.  So it was an early "thank you" call. 

Still planning a little party for him at the end of the month.  trying to come up w/ ideas.  I'm planning on sending some home-made gfcf "kettle corn" pop-corn to school as a treat for the class.  Bub is still cf, and his favorite friend is gf, so I guess I am destined to keep up the gf skills as well.  :) 


Saturday, September 01, 2012

There is no such thing as being open-minded

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of my friends on FB posting to their wall things like:

I'm tired of seeing  political/humanitarian/ethical statements/propaganda/bullsh*t/etc... opposite of my beliefs, so if you start posting things I disagree with/find offensive/are opposite to my viewpoint/etc...  I'm going to unfriend you/hide you/cast voodoo curses on you/ etc...

I rarely spout on about my political/religious/ethical points on FB, I leave that for my blog and for actual conversations.  But I read these huffy statements and wonder:

Would you rather have me lie?  Would you rather have me deny my strongly held beliefs?  What would you think if I came out and expected you to change everything you believe because I think you are wrong and I am right?  Isn't it better that people can think and believe what they do based on their own personal circumstances and experiences instead of being dictated into believing what you want them to think?  What would you think of me if I bent to every wind and never took a stand on anything, or just kept flopping around?  How can you be so sure you are right and I am not?  

Would you like me if you had a star on your belly and there was none on mine?  (Sorry, had to add the Dr Suess reference)

Aren't those the underlying questions such a statement begs?

My viewpoints on hot-topics are very ...unexpected (to some people, anyway).   I get misjudged a lot, people think they know what I think, but they don't know the REASONING of what I think.  Here is why:

I don't like drama, and deep down I know I have a great potential to be dramatic.  I don't like that aspect of myself.  I much prefer to consider myself cool-headed and even-tempered.  But Joe can tell you that's not true...boy can he tell you stories of that not being true.  So having come to the admission of this personality flaw, I work very hard to avoid situations where I am likely to become highly dramatic.  To avoid the worst of me from coming out, I keep my opinions to myself, unless I am asked specifically. 

So with this thought, I wonder about people that make statements like the generality of the above.  Why are they so threatened by other people's statements that they go to such extremes to avoid them, and in some cases invite them so they can do the action threatened?  And these statements are coming from people who I know consider themselves to be and claim to be open-minded.

I don't believe in the term "open-minded" anymore.  I don't see any evidence that it really exists.  Everyone has their own biases, but whether they admit to them or shout them out on the top of the mountain is really up to them.  I have yet to encounter anyone when faced with a contradictory point of view will stop and say, "that is a good point, I will have to consider that and possibly readjust my opinion"

Nope, I hear, "you're wrong"  and "I don't agree", or "that's your opinion", or "shut up moron"  or "you are a *insert derogatory slur*"

I wish people would think about that.  Isn't that what those declarations are really saying?  How will there ever be a greater understanding if that's how mankind acts as a whole?  Even more, if you are that closed-minded while claiming to be open-minded, how are you different than the person/people you are addressing?

I think about these things.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Froggie in my house

A few days ago, Joe and I -finally- got the yard mowed.  We haven't mowed it since late June.  We were going to mow it in early July, but my bout w/ kidney stones stopped that, then we were going to mow in mid-to-late july, but then my schedule didn't give us enough time to get it done and have one of us not asleep for child-duty (me), then we were going to do it in early August, but then West Nile Virus was rampant in our area (well, not super rampant, but several confirmed cases in our county), so FINALLY we got it done this week.

While mowing the meter high weeds near the back of the house, Joe discovered lots of little lizards and frogs. And being Joe, he brought one inside to show Zbug



"I'll get you my pretty, and your little Frog too!"
So after boinging around the house w/ Zbug in hot pursuit, I finally made Joe recapture the little Froggy and set it free.

Now, go out and eat all the ookie bugs Froggy!


Thursday, August 23, 2012

school starts on monday

I try to sound like I'm kidding around when I talk about how excited Joe and I are about Bub going back to school on Monday so I don't sound like a terrible parent.  Then I self-depreciate myself about how I must be a terrible parent to say I'm excited to have Bub back in school.  This tactic usually gets me lots of praise about how much we do for Bub and the challenges we face.  But I don't do it for that reason.  I really do feel bad that I get so excited for Bub to be at school.  and I am happy with how much he loves the routine of school, and the experiences he has there.

But to be honest, I really look forward to the break of not having to be on point 24-7+ while he's home.  And that I think is what I really feel bad about.   I think about parents who have kids that are absolutely non-functional, children that weigh over 80lbs and have the mentality of a 3month old.  When they need a respite, people understand, and it makes ABSOLUTE sense.  and I'm absolutely jealous.
See, look at Bub: he can dress himself, feed himself, can make a few simple meals for himself if left to his own devices, can write a bit, ambulates, can use a toilet properly(when he feels like it) other words, he's pretty functional.  People don't really get that parents of kids like this need a break too.  We should be "fine"

And it's not like w/ normal kids, where you sweet-talk your friends to take your kids for the weekend in exchange for you taking their kids for them some other weekend.  If you ask parents who have a special-needs kid, you know how much MORE you are adding to their plate, so that's not an option.  You can't really ask a friend that has normal kids, because they have NO IDEA NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN of what they will encounter while your child is in their care.  So that's out.  It's not really fair to beg your family either, they need breaks too.  so you have no one.  it really really sucks.  so you suck it up and hope the next week is a little better, and that there will be less poo to clean up off the floor.

or walls.

or ceiling.

I love my Bub.  I can't wait for Monday!!!!

Sunday, August 05, 2012


I want homemade cookies.  But I don't want to deal with the bother of making them.

I wish Joe would make me some.  But he won't cook anymore since the pancake incident and the garlic rice episode.

He made me a cake once.   it was good.

He later confided to me that he had his mom on the phone the whole time he was making it.

I wish he would get on the phone with her again.  Sugar cookies would be nice.  with frosting....


Friday, August 03, 2012

not luvin the stones....

Yesterday I was flat on my recliner with a heating pad to my lower back all day, except when I threw up d/t excessive pain.  yeah, that was tasty.  Bub stayed up all night, despite the nightlight and Ipad.  Momma took the Ipad away around 2 or 3, followed by much screaming and kicking of the wall.  FYI, yesterday was exactly a month from when the 1st episode hit.

today I had a "revenge of the stone" that lasted about 2 hours.  I pulled out my nursing book to reacquaint myself to the nursing interventions of kidney stones...pediatrics doesn't see too much of them, oddly enough....*sarcasms*

basically, I need to:
  • capture some stones, which I have thusly been unsuccessful at
  • drink 3+L fluid daily (hard to achieve when I am at work)
  • start a food journal to look for triggers
  • Food:
    • take 1-2 grams Vitamin C daily
    • prolly should eat less meat
    • Prolly should cut calcium, but I barely ingest ANY calcium, around 6 oz soy milk daily, and some cheese every couple of days, rarely eat broccoli, never eat Kale or Chard or bitter crap like that....
    • prolly should avoid chocolate (!!!!!!)  *boohoohooo*
    • prolly should avoid coffee 
    • might need to avoid whole grains  (
  • I need to make an effort to pee every 3-4 hours (again hard to do at work)
(side story:  there are days (nights) while I am at work where everything is so crazy-busy I don't make it to the bathroom at all (that means 12-14 hours).  I am not the only nurse this happens to. PLEASE be kind to your nurse, we need an opportunity to pee too.)

Check out this lovely fact about kidney stones:
"The pain associated with ureteral spasm is excruciating and may cause the client to go into shock from stimulation of nearby sympathetic nerves"
Medical-Surgical Nursing 5th edition, Ignatavicius & Workman p. 1697
well, Bob's yer uncle.  one more thing to worry about..

Today during the few hours of wakefulness before and after the 2nd stone passed, zbug was on me like glue.  would not leave my side for anything, even Daddy offering her oreos.  I feel so guilty.  I'm at work 3-4 nights a week, w/ the days spent sleeping, then I get this and am cloistered in my room from pain, and that's another 2 days she doesn't see me.  even Bub is missing me, and being clingy while I'm around.  poor Joe looks like wall hit him, and the house like a tornado hit.  my MIL thinks I need to see a urologist, but until I get some stones, there really isn't anything to do except what I listed above.

things I'm pretty sure trigger a stone:  coffee & meat.

apparently I am getting the message that I need to become a semi-vegetarian....and a tea drinker.  How's that for irony....

Joe isn't going to be happy about a reduction of meat consumption in our home.  :(
neither will Bub be pleased since the only vegetables he will consistently eat are frozen peas and frozen corn while they are still frozen, and a raw carrot if he gets to peel it.

So I'm pretty depressed by all this.   but on a happy thought (ok I'm stretching it here):  I get stressed and make a human version of a pearl?!?!  lol!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

crazy dreams

had the craziest dream to date: dreamt that my younger brother (aged around 16-17) slipped on some ice on my parent's driveway and hit the back of his head on a rock on the driveway island, then I had to convince my parents that he needed to go to an ER because his pupils were dilating weirdly and he wasn't fully orientated, as they took him to the hosp, I went to my current job, get a call from the ER in Burger Kind (??!!!??) that I needed to get my butt over there bc my parents wouldn't explain how Ross got that injury and CPS was called in and my parents called the CPS case worker a "gestapo nazi"
there is something really wrong with my head.   my brother is 37 and is a Marine stationed in Japan right now.  my parents would never accuse someone of being a gestapo nazi. and there would never be an ER in a Burger King.

Friday, July 06, 2012

50cent is a jerk.

well, he is.  anyone who says someone looks "autistic" as an insult is a jerk.

Thank you Holly Robinson Peete for your eloquent and to the point response to the idjit.  (being a jerk he does not get the respect of correct spelling)

Taking down the tweets is such a half-assed response.  get a spine and apologize.

read Holly's letter to the "idjit"

read an article about what the "idjit" said.

I think I need a 50cent version of the "Summer pinata" from Napoleon Dynamite.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

happy July 4th, and ode to my kidneys


This is the most awful thing I ever ingested.  ever.  and I of course am experiencing common and non-common side-effects.  yayee.

One thing that sucks about being a nurse?  Recognizing symptoms and the consequences of those symptoms quickly in myself- and jumping to worst case scenarios that must be ruled out QUICKLY!!

Thankfully, my CT scan showed no tumors anywhere in my pelvic regions, specifically my renal system.   I am the proud momma of kidney stones.  woohoo.

After talking to my parents, I discovered I have relatives on my paternal side that deal with this too.  So glad I get to share the love.  feh.

So I am still dealing w/ side-effects from my oral contrast...and they are NOT pretty side-effects.  I am hoping they will end soon since I am past 24 hrs from ingestion.

Meanwhile, Zbug is very clingy of momma, and Bub has a case of the giggles, as reported by Grandma.

SO--  Happy 4th of July!  Drink lots of water and be good to your kidneys!

(ps- happy anniversary to my parents!  love you!)

Saturday, June 30, 2012

autism and being a mom

I stole/copied/borrowed this from my longtime friend and fellow autie mom Jigglypuff:
Autism Strong Mom

At first I was scared and I cried.
And than I looked around.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Autism they said.

Everything seemed different.
But nothing really changed.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Now I no longer cry.

I am an Autism Strong Mom. 

* from the Four Sea Stars Facebook page
This kinda thing upsets me.  I know that seems weird cuz it's obviously supposed to inspire strength and hope and all that jazz.  Not me, don't know why, maybe because I have grown cynical in my 30s, maybe because I cultivated a sarcastic bend in my 20s, who knows, but this pisses me off.
I have yet to met a single autie parent that "no longer cries"  BULL SHIT.  if they put that out they are LYING!!  they are a dirty lying cheat.  or they are the "refrigerator moms" pop psychology believed in for so long.  or they have a crippling addiction to *numbing drug of choice*. 
I will say this and I will stand by it.  No matter how much you love your child, no matter how strong you get, you will cry, you will be angry, you will blame yourself, you will blame your spouse, you will blame anything that makes any kind of reasonable case to have brought this onto your child, you will be flustered, you will be reduced to a crying sobbing heap of person from time to time because of autism.
It won't last.  you will feel better mostly.  Life will become the new normal.  there will be lots of happiness and laughter and love and understanding.  You will feel "autism strong mom"  but it is transitory.  you will only feel it on the "good" days.  
I hope I am not crushing some poor mom who just got a diagnosis and is trying to find something/anything to help her get thru the transition of diagnosis to acceptance.  I don't want to crush you, but neither do I want to lie to you and make you feel like a failure if you don't achieve this level of ...whatever the hell it's trying to set.  Good LORD we have enough problems learning to help our kids, do we have to put up some unrealistic level of acceptance for each other and wave it around other's faces to make us feel better about ourselves while crushing others???  don't we have enough to do other than play HS games?!?   f-that.

I love my son, and I still cry, and I am strong because I'm honest about it.


Friday, June 29, 2012


sorry, I've been kinda down, and kinda tired, and kinda overworked (by choice).  kinda had Bub throwing toys at me.  Kinda had family stuff to do.  Kinda felt like my life is being sucked out.

Joe's in the same "kinda" mode...only he doesn't leave the house to be overworked, he's overworked IN the house and leaves the house to relax.  I try to not leave the house if I don't have to work.

I've been really bummed out.  pretty much have been operating on: work, pass out, spend an hour with the kids while I try to wake up, work, rinse-repeat.

Yesterday Joe convinced me I need to leave the house, and the kids were bouncing off the walls *really*  so we got chinese buffet, Bub picked nuggets, shrimpies, fries, and an egg roll.  and grapes.  and jello.  Zbug was stealing Bub's jello.  Zbug wouldn't eat her ice cream.  Zbug only ate the jello and some grapes (also stolen from Bub).  I think Bub's shrimpies had milk in the coating bc Bub started the "inappropriate laughter" routine while we stopped in at payless to get Joe some tennis shoes and Zbug a new pair of  "Pretty" shoes, and the only pair that currently fits is her tennis shoes that light up.  while she greatly enjoys her flashy shoes, it doesn't really go well with her Sunday dresses.  so after sizing her (I worked shoes in HS, so I do this myself since sales-people and my offspring do not mix well)  I found several "pretty" and pink-colored shoes and laid them out for Z to examine.  she was torn between a pair of Disney(c) sandals that lit up.....some glitter shoes and then the new shoes that she picked......
Rejected by Zber

Rejected glitters
Dorothy Gale shoes rejected *sniff*

Her brand new "PRETTY!!!" shoes.

Crap. I just noticed, Why are all the model shoes size 7????

So the feeling I get about my youngest is that she likes pretty girly stuff, but it better be functional, tough, and easy to put on.

Bub got nothing except mommy drag-pulling-carrying him out of the store as he tried to put shoelaces up his nose while laughing   Joe and Zbug completed the purchase.  we got home, and both kiddos were put to bed.  Zbug slept in her new shoes despite my repeated attempts to sneak in and remove them.  Joe thinks this is funny as he accuses me of being a "shoe-girl".

I was a "shoe-girl" once, but I have like 4 pairs now...(excepting my work shoes) and they are all over 4 years pair is around 15years old since it predates Joe.  Maybe I am a shoe-girl since I still own them.......but they are really cool....

Despite the lack of new shoes for Bub yesterday,  my son was HUGELY happy with the set of Hanes(c) Boxer-briefs I bought him this morning.  so happy that he pee'd on the floor enough times to be able to wear each pair today, thus modeling each color and "breaking them in" simultaneously.

yayee me.

Joe is currently out at the health club working off some steam, which will be followed by a round of beer at the local wetting hole with some buddies.  all that male-bonding stuff or something since there are no coffee-houses here with random jazz/poetry sessions for him to attend....(that gen-x stuff....)

I however will find my trusty benedryl and snuggle up with that.  In rock-paper-scissors, benedryl beats coffee.  I have yet to find anyone to argue otherwise.


Friday, May 25, 2012

class party

I actually made it to one of Bub's class events this year...the very last event.  end of the year party.  I attempted to make some peanutbutter ricecrispy treats, but I thought they were pretty oogy, so at the last min, (after my 45min nap after a 12hr shift) I cut up a bunch of fruit and we whisked off to his school.  only 2 other parents showed upin the classroom-I thought that was kinda sad, but the kids loved fruit salad.  I shoulda done my wiggles songs collection for them.  lol.
Zbug was rather intimidated by all the "big kids" and hid behind Bub for awhile, well, until Bub decided he didn't want his kid-sister hanging on him.  Zbug got the hint and found a teenee tiny chair in the corner to sit in, and then found a rocking chair..rocking chairs are endless sources of amusement I gather....

His teacher got big baked potatoes from a local deli for all the kids which was a GREAT idea since there are very few people in the entire world who have a potato allergy.  lol. apparently Bub loved his w/ just always.

Bub will be going to school next week as a voluntary thing.  Here in smalltown ETX the last week of school is optional for kids who are doing fine or didn't miss too much school during the year, Joe decided Bub should get that last week in, I had an aside w/ his teacher to make sure it was ok.

Anyhow.  it's been a better few days, Bub has been controlling his temper better, plus he got over his tummy bug on Monday, so maybe that was the core problem...

who knows with the mind of bub.  After dinner when Z was in bed, me and bub played "" on the PC, he knows how to use a mouse now.  yayee!


PS- Bub and Z didn't think the pb treats were oogy...they devoured the whole tray while I was asleep this afternoon.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


two days ago, Bub punched me in the arm really hard when I asked him if he wanted to sit with me and watch sponge bob.

after all the tantrum that followed addressing that unacceptable behavior, I bawled on Joe's shoulder for an hour (kids were asleep)

I really feel like my Bub is slipping away again.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

words of the week

Zbug is starting to have the vocabulary explosion. Her new word that I am pushing  "please"...but she says /pa-layeea/  kinda...I am trying to get it phonically right in my description of her...but it has been nearly 20 years since I took forgive my excesses in my description of her cute attempts at pronunciation.  lol

Also cute from her is:  "Aye-min" after we pray,  "di-purrrr" when I tell her it's time to chop down the Zber tree, and "You Momma" but refusing to say her own name.  I also especially like hearing "NOOOO! No Nap!"  cuz it's funny when I tease her about it, but I really do wish she would just say "yes" to a nap every other day or so.

Too tire to share more.  loves to all.  :)

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

texas roadhouse

I kinda hate that I love a chain restaurant so much.   One thing I liked to take pride in was that Joe and I would search out little hole in the wall restaurants and out of the way places to find gems that were independently owned and spend our hard-earned monies on someone else who was earning it the hard way as well.

We have found a few really good independent restaurants here in smaller town TX, but I have to admit that I really really love texas roadhouse.

This is the story of my shame:

In my 1st year of nursing school, one of my very close friends got nominated/was self-nominated (I forget details) to chair our SNA fundraiser for March-of-Dimes.  This is a VERY dear cause for her and she did an AWESOME job getting it organized.  Being her friend and the secretary for the SNA, I was at the walk, with Bub,who was freaking out that there were so many people around him.
(sometimes autism rears it's ugly and fearful head no matter how you try to prepare for it)  Well, there was a small group of vendors moving thru the crowd, I think the roadhouse folks found me and Bub hiding near a tree while Bub was having an episode of inappropriate giggles with punching of the tree going on while I was trying to apply pressure to calm him.

I remember they asked if I needed help, No...I do this everyday (stress brings out my bad sarcasm...), then they tried to get Bub to give them a high five, which he did. then they offered me a free kids meal medallion, at first I refused it explaining that Bub was on a very special and limited diet and we really weren't able to take him to most restaurants because of his issues with Gluten and Casein.  they said they were able to make some thing from scratch if asked, and gave me a 2nd medallion.  I smiled my polite smile while thinking "dream on dude".  I threw the medallions in my silverware drawer.  they stayed there for over 2 years.

last October 31st Joe and I were trying to figure out what we could do cuz we don't do halloween.  (FYI- I do celebrate holidays...I just don't like halloween at all)  we were kinda broke (as always) and I remembered the free meal medallions.  By this time Bub is more able to handle gluten although his milk allergy is worse, I called the manager and talked about options for Bub and found out there were quite a lot as most people don't really want a lot of milk on their steaks.  (lol)  so we went, they let us reuse our medallions over and over, it's like there is no limit on them!!!  I love that we can eat there for under $30, and that $30 includes a VERY generous tip to the server that has to deal with Zbug's famous "tossing of the fries" and Bub's occasional screams when he messes up his Ipad.  Joe loves meat so he is happy.  the only catch for me is that we don't go on weekends.  Bub has a hard time when it is crowded, so we're typically there when they open at 4:30, usually on Mondays.  :)

Friday, May 04, 2012

cosmetic confession

Eden's blog today inspired this confession...

In 5th grade I convinced my mom to buy me make-up so I could continue to be cool (the  one and only time in my life I was ever in the "cool clique")

FYI...I was obsessed with Cyndi Lauper.  My parents wouldn't let me dress like her (my argument was..."But it's not like I want to dress like Madonna!!!")  (It didn't work)  So I finally convinced my mom to let me get make-up.  I got pink lip-stick, and a set of almost day-glo eyeshadows in blue, pink, green and yellowy-white, and pink tinted mascara.  

I do not have the complexion to carry-off hot pink lipstick.  I do not have the personality to carry-off day-glo make-up...

So I do my make-up a la Cyndi Lauper style,  all four colors of eyeshadow were on my lids...vertically.   coupled with hot-pink bubble-gum lips, and pink eyelashes.  and hop on the bus to school.

The 6th graders in my reading class mobbed me in the bathroom and made me wash it all off.
At the time I was horrified, but now I am glad they cared enough to keep me from being a complete fool.  Or am I just rationalizing?

To this day, I do NOT wear mascara...of any variety.

Isn't this a "little" classier for a 12 y/o than....


Wednesday, May 02, 2012

verbalizing, gardens and crazy people

couple of things...
why in the world would anyone take their infant, 3 y/o and a preteen to walmart at 0200 in the morning?  what are you thinking?  I know I'm not mother of the year, but I value my children's sleep and HIGHLY encourage it on a regular basis.  And if the items bought were of an emergency-type nature, I could understand some sort of problem in the home/family that necessitated such a trip w/ little ones, on a school nite...but toddler clothes, and school/art supplies?  really?  wow.  that is a new one for me....

anyhow, I got my container garden going.  I have tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, a couple types of lettuce,  spinach and 2 zucchinni going.  I have no idea if they will survive my ministrations.  my attempt at tomatoes last year was abysmal, although I could blame that on the drought if I tried at all.

Bub surprised me yesterday.  He wanted me to get something for him, and was trying to pull me up from the couch, I asked him what he wanted momma to do and he signed AND verbalized "go!"

I was so happy with that I don't even remember what he wanted.  I think it was kool-aid out of the fridge.  and then this morning, Joe asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom before Daddy, and he verbalized "no".

I am a pretty happy girl right now...pretty proud of my Bub.  yayee.



Thursday, April 26, 2012


So today/yesterday (It all melds together for me...) was rough.

Bub woke up screaming at 2am, I helped him get back to sleep, then I couldn't sleep, and Zbug got up around 4 w/ a monster poop.  But at least she didn't decide to strip and smear.  I call that a good night.  I only think she does that because she has seen Bub do it.  She so loves to imitate all the behaviors I'd rather she didn't.

then while finishing up the morning getting ready to go to school routine, I get a call from my family, and end up driving my nieces and Bub to school so my Sister-in-law can get Joe's brother to the hospital.

Then I went to the hospital to give my family some support and encouragement.

then I made dinner for my MIL and nieces so my sister-in-law wouldn't have to worry about the mundane things in life and focus on her husband...who is stable currently.

I crashed around 5pm, and woke up around midnight.  Bub is awake.  I gave him his Ipad and I hope it will lull him to sleep the same way it lulls me to sleep (When I can pry it from his sleeping fingers...)

At some point I took Z out in the backyard to play, which she loved, and gave her a popsicle afterwards.  She knew something was up today because I kept leaving and coming back, and she didn't get to go to the healthy hideaway.

I'm kind of still reeling from all this.  My brother-in-law is the oldest one in Joe's extended family, and he's only 2 years younger than my sister, and my sister already has a major medical diagnosis.  Joe and I are only 2 years younger than him.  I keep thinking: when did we all start getting old enough to have these things happen?  I still have a hard time believing I'm really 38.  that in some ways still seems like an imaginary number that will never really happen.

So now I'm up, doing the housework I had planned on doing during the day.  I have a staff meeting before my shift starts today and somehow I need to get a few more sleep hours before that starts.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012


you know what cracks me up in a way that makes me kinda want to cry?

When I'm on facebook and one of my fellow autie-moms posts about a particular challenging behavior, and all the other autie-moms chime in because we deal with it/have dealt with it.

then you see the comment from the "coworker's son" friend.  and at least they are trying to understand

then you look at all the other postings from your friends who have neurotypical kids.  and all you see is a huge gulf in realities.

I have no point other than that.  I guess I'm just tired this week.

Monday, April 02, 2012

bad week part 2

well, this is what happens after I post embarrassing pictures of our home:

Like my excellent friend Angela says...."I can do anything for 5 min."

I miss her.  :(

and just now my PRN job asked me if I could come in for a day shift, but I work tonight, so I had to say no.  I miss my little peepers at my PRN job, their little smiles and habits.  sniff.  but I get to be there on the 21st so I have that to look forward to.  :)

nite again.  nubs

bad week

well, this was an "ice-cream w/ cherry on top" week. well, no; not really.

I picked up a bug from work last weekend, I have two prime suspects in mind, and am fairly sure what I had, neither requiring antibiotics, merely time flat on my back in bed since monday...time I really didn't have to be flat on my back in bed.  But there I was in bed feeling like a ton of bricks landed on me.  Meanwhile, we find out on Monday that Bub has grown/developed/advanced enough that he doesn't "Need" summer school.  Yayee for Bub, but boo for me and Joe.

We are freaking out.  what the eff are we going to do for 3 months?  no horse riding all summer.... no school... no little friends to expect to see...  no bus ride...  no packing lunches/breakfasts in the am w/ momma... no ritual of getting the backpack and jumpsuit... more...

so I'm in bed half dead and freaking out.  Joe is struggling to occupy a very intent on being contrary Zber, and a Bub who misses seeing momma doing the momma stuff around the house.  I stayed in my room so they wouldn't get sick from kissing on me.  It seems to have worked. so the house is a disaster.

Living room before I got sick

Kitchen before I got sick

Living room Saturday nite

Living room saturday nite

Kitchen saturday nite

I worked Saturday night, and wasn't tired this morning yet, so I tackled the dishes and made french toast.  Joe helped get the kids dressed for church and we went.  disaster.  we made it 1 hour into the service.

Bub was angry that Grandma didn't bring HER Ipad...his wasn't good enough. (Grandma didn't think we would make it since I worked last nite)  Z didn't want to sit still, and kept screaming "no" at every attempt to do something quiet.  Joe was not feeling well.  I had been up for 21 hrs at that point.  we left.  didn't have the power to keep at it.  neither the packet of starburst Grandma fed Bub nor the sensory soothers I was doing to Bub seemed to be helping, and Z was jealous both of us were focusing on keeping Bub from crying/screaming.  So we left church.  All I can say is, I really tried.

I stayed up until 4 today so Joe could start on mowing the lawn, it's been so rainy (thank God for the rain!!!) that he hasn't been able to get to it, and we have a wilderness on our lot that I am heartily ashamed of.  It was so bad that Joe decided to borrow his parent's tractor mower rather than even attempt it w/ our push mower.  well, a belt broke just as he finished the front lawn, so tomorrow while I sleep, he will be purchasing a new belt and attempting to fix it so he can finish the lawn...but in the meantime we are forcasted for more rain in the next day or two.  So the wilderness continues.

My hope of starting a container garden this week will have to wait until at least Thursday.    meanwhile, maybe I can get the house back up to snuff.  maybe. 

I passed out around 4pm today, and got up around 11pm.  Now I'm just trying to motivate myself to NOT go to the 24 hr Whataburger and stay home and start cooking some stuff so Joe can feed the kiddos some good food for the next two days I work and not feed the kids nuggets and hotdogs.  lol    But I really want a cheeseburger and onion rings.  I really suck.  lol

Nite, here's hoping for a better week.  :)  At least I got the kitchen cleaned up this morning. 


Sunday, March 04, 2012

Another pleasant valley sunday

So, today I gave Joe the ultimatum talked Joe into going to Church.  I sometimes think going to Church is harder on Joe than me for some reason that I have yet to uncover.  Grandma & Grandpa were there along with Cousin K.  Zbear was really excited to see Cousin K and kept yelling her name all around the foyer and wouldn't get out of the doorway so other people could get in.  (#1 of "really?!?")

Bub was pretty excited too.  I had him come over to say hi to one of the ladies that has always taken a very kind and caring interest of Bub, and he came over ("really?!?" #2) and dashed away making Momma (me) chase him up the alter area.  So I guess he didn't want to say "hi".  Puff.

then "really?!?" #3- during announcements, he did it again.  yeah.  But it was ok.  no one flipped out at us.

Now, for some heart-wrenching confessions:
one of my previously unpublished and untalked about reasons for avoiding going to church was right in my face today.  I have been praying a lot about forgiving such a small thing, but it was really hurtful to me and I have been having a very difficult time letting go, and it has been one of the reasons Joe and I have not been going to Church for a while. (FYI- Joe likes to give in to me when he can)
Background ramble:
A person did a small thing in June when I was really emotionally fragile after a very hard event at work, but at the time I felt really betrayed because of it.  I had really loved this person and looked up to her.  and I really don't even know why she did what she did, and I suspect by the way she was acting today she doesn't even realize she hurt me.  But hurt I was, and it was kind of ironic because some long time before June I had spent time trying to build her (the person that hurt me) up after she had been hurt by someone else who (now seeing in perspective) probably had no idea that she had hurt the first person in the first place. 

(you try writing about convoluted crap without naming names and see how clear you can be....)  

Anyhow, so I had decided to not go to that particular Church for a awhile because I was angry and hurt and didn't feel that I would have a heart of worship if I was there and seething about this person, nor did I feel that I had my hurt enough under control to confront this person in a loving way.  I was feeling very unloving towards her.  I had tried to go to Church, and all I could do was feel mad and not concentrate on the service and stare at her back and hair and be angry and think very unkind thoughts.  Made me feel like a hypocrite.  I hate hypocrites.
At least I have enough right about me to have realized I was not right in this.  So in my patented way of dealing with emotional baggage that overwhelms me, I ran away.  Yes, apparently I can read Jonah, and it can be my favorite and the most meaningful book in the OT to me, and Yes, I apparently learn nothing from it- or I should say, I learn the WRONG thing from it.
We tried going to other Churches, but they didn't feel right.  yet another little voice saying, "nina, you are a dumbass.  deal with the problem, stop running away"

So today, day 1 dealing with the problem.  I was polite.  I didn't sit behind her.  I focused on the message.  I had my usual little thought about how I wished they didn't play music during the prayer because it distracts me.  She came up and hugged me and told me she missed me.  I smiled and said "thanks" and got a little less bent out of shape, and felt a little less like a hypocrite.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to confront her about hurting me, but at least I don't feel as angry as I did, and maybe some love is creeping back in.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

WOW! Thank you secret valentine! part 2

I am speechless at how thoughtful Ronja Zigler is.  completely.   Thank you SOOO much!
The pretty ring!

Fuel for my all things Gallifrey obsession!

Nicey-nice Eternity products & hand-sanitizer.  How did you figure out it's my fav?!?!?!?!

An awesome knitted sampler square

This is the BEST!  Like the Kit-Kat Commercial!!!!  LOVE IT

Do need to make a quick aside...I loved this so much I put it up on my fridge...however, Bub also liking the picture very much indeed somehow felt it necessary to sneak it off the fridge into his room where he felt he must add to the wonderfulness of this drawing by coloring in the first row of Dalek bumps.   Yeah, that's my Bub.  I have rescued this fab work of art and am now contemplating where I can display it w/o any chances of further embellishment.  lol-kinda.

Thank you so much, I have been in such a funk lately and your thoughfulness has really cheered me up.  :)


WOW! Thank you secret valentine!

Doctor who drawings, eternity stuff! I am SOOOO excited!  but I got it on my way out to work, and just got home from a crazy nite, so I will say a quick "THANK YOU! " and give a bigger one later in the day (or after tomorrow cuz I -maybe- work again tonite)...may be on call...may be in NICU or Mother/ is always an adventure! 


Friday, February 17, 2012

Thank you secret valentine & happy birthday Zbear!

Firstly, Thank you secret valentine from Cheeseblarg  for the lovely ring!  Joe & I decided years ago that nicey-niceys like jewelry, flowers, etc... were not as important as funding our Bub's therapies, so I have not gotten any in a long time (well, I have bought watches, but that's for work so I can time pulses and RR and IV pushes....and I get cheap <$10 ones..)  It was a very nice surprise!  But I don't know who you are!  there was no note, so thank you nameless valentine!  you made the day even nicer!  (Thank you Jodee for organizing the fun!)

So yesterday, at 2pm I decided I HAVE to do something for Z's birthday and not be super pathetic like I have been for the last few weeks.  So I called Grandma & my Sister-in-law's family and invited them over for cake/INFORMAL dinner.  at first everyone was coming, but in actuality, only Grandma came, Cousin K and Uncle K have been sick this week, so they decided to stay home...which was TOTALLY fine because I gave them what...a 2.5hr notice?  like I say, I-suck, I just wanted them to know they were welcome.

That said, w/ Bub's food allergies, desserts are always a challenge, and I get tired of making the same "safe" cakes over and over.  a few weeks ago I came across a recipe in one of my magazines for "Turtle-cake bars", it sounded so yummy, but they aren't an option as I have yet to find ANY caramel that is safe for Bub, even home-made (fyi- I am NOT good at making home-made candies...except chocolate dipped pretzels w/ sprinkles....)  But I thought I could do some kind of S'more thing.... 

So I made up a recipe.  I don't do that for desserts.  Main courses, yes.  Desserts, no.  But I did.  I made a s'more cake!  Bub ate 3 pieces.  Joe liked it, and GRANDMA liked it.  (she doesn't usually like most of Bub's safe desserts...she likes stuff w/ lots of butter, condensed milk, and whipped cream/cool whip- all off limits in this house)  so here's what it looked like:

Z loved the balloons Grandma got did Bub.  in fact, Bub loved all the presents she got (although he did get his own presents too) and we had a mini-meltdown after having to break up an "argument" over who got to play with which toy first....but cake seems to cure sulking after melt-down-time-out, so happiness prevailed in the end.

behold the festivities!
Bub trying very hard to be patient

surprise, Joe took this picture....

Rapunzle...just wish I could find one that had her after her hair turned brown to match my Z


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Bub had her beat by 11 months: Autism learning?

Last nite, while I was at work...changing teeney-tiny poopie diapers, mind you...My Zbug discovered how to get out of her crib by herself & sneak up on daddy to deliver a mini-heart-attack surprise.  plus before she came out to scare daddy, she pulled down a dress from a hanger and played "dress-up pretty".

Bub figured out how to crawl fall out of his crib at 13 months.  Z learned to do it 2 days b4 she turned 2.  So what does that mean?   was it that Bub is more physically driven to learn and perfect certain physical tasks as quickly as possible, or that Z's learning is more faceted than Bub's was and she focuses on multiple tasks that are completed at a slower rate vs Bub who gets "stuck" on a task and does it over and over until he feels he's perfected it, and then keeps doing it after it's perfected because it has now become a ritual?

this learning difference in the two of them has me laughing and sad at the same time.

Bub surprised me today, he came running out of his room naked...which usually means some sort of bodily material has exited his body and is lying in wait for me on his floor..but there wasn't anything on the floor.  so I took him to the bathroom expecting him to pee...cuz he prolly started in his pants stopped when he realized it, and stripped to go...but then got distracted.  So he pees then sits down on the potty and poops!  I am super proud of him.

He got all confused on how to wipe up momma had to help teach that.  yayee me.  (no)

It's so odd how he does things, and his rate of learning.  He will get something for a day, then regress for weeks as if he's "thinking about it", then out of the blue he'll try it again...and again, nothing for a while.  then one day he just "gets" it and then does it the right way almost always after that.  it's so odd, and frustrating to deal with.  Joe hopes verbalization will happen this way.  I'm just happy Bub understands speech and directions.

anyhow.  I'm tired, NICU shifts wipe me out.  It's funny when you consider most NICU babies are under 3lbs and they just kick my a**.  but there it is. to make Zbug a birthday cake for her "towe" birthday tomorrow.  :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

well, that's another...maybe I should worry.

last week I was put on LOA all three of my shifts.  Thankfully, I was able to pick up one in the NICU, and another at my PRN job.  last night I got LOA'd again, but I will be picking up a shift tonight, the NICU.


Anyhow, I made up Bub's Valentine day party "Bags".  I got all the stuff to have a nice bag for the kids, and then forgot to get bags.  So they are in ziplock baggies.  I swear, I don't mean to be shabby, it just seems to happen.  But I got Bub to give starbursts (one of a few gfcf candies I can buy at a normal store), a valentine day eraser, a valentine stencil/ruler, and a card.  Plus wonderful Hubby Joe signed us up to bring plates, utensils, etc... for the party...last august...and I found out on Friday.  joy.

I hope whoever supplies the cake/cookies supplies something Bub can have, and the other kiddo in the class who is gfcf.  But I doubt it.  I think I will make Bub a treat for at home once Joe takes Zbug to the healthy-hideaway.


Wednesday, February 08, 2012

so where is the panic?

So the last three days I have been sitting up all night in my scrubs playing FF13 waiting for a call from work telling me there are enough sick kiddos in the hosp for me to work.  the last three days I have been on call.  Our unit has been on minimal staffing, which means, 1 charge nurse, and one PCT.  that's it.  me and another nurse have been just sitting at home, waiting to find out if we have to go to work or not.

I don't have enough PTO to cover this.

I am not panicking, and I don't know why I am not.  I am continuing to feel listless tho.

I told Joe we would pick up Turbo tax today and I'll do our taxes.  if it's like last year, we should be new dishwasher after all, cuz that's what we were thinking about getting with our refund.  (FYI- our current dishwasher is called "Nina and Joe"   It would be nice if our current dishwasher was called "Nina, Joe, and Bub", but all Bub does at the sink is play with bubbles and fill up cups with water of varying levels of volume.  ...and giggles.)

we also have to get new shoes for Bub, sometime yesterday he managed to rip the sole off the OUTSIDE of the shoe...we discovered this as he came home w/ a duct-taped foot.  the shoe was somewhere in the duct-tape.  Bub liked his shiny silver shoe and didn't want to take it off.  Z thought it was nice too.  Today Bub is sporting his 6month-ago shoes which thankfully are not TOO small for one day.  I don't think Bub gets PE, so he'll prolly be ok.

I am trying to get Zbug to count to two since she will be that old next week.  I can get her to point w/ one finger.  I can get her to verbalize "two"   (but it sounds more like "Towe")  I can't get her to do both fingers.  Bub gets frustrated with her lack of progress, he has figured out what I am doing.  (!!!!)  and he grabs little Z's hand and tries to make 2 of her fingers point up...which she doesn't like and then starts crying and bapping Bub which then concludes our little lesson for the day. 

Joe continues with his project: a chain-mail duster. (over-coat, trench-coat, whatever you want to call it.)  He shows me his progress everyday.  I can't lift this thing up anymore.  He says he's almost happy with the shoulders and collar.  He's as happy as a clam.  made me look at some clasps he wants to order for it when he's done.    I smile cuz he's happy.


Sunday, February 05, 2012


I got a call that I am LOA'd from my shift tonite.  (LOA- leave of absence d/t not enough sick people in my unit to justify paying me today, and not enough sick people on our sister units to justify floating me today).  So I'm on call for a few hours, in case enough people get sick to justify paying me to come it.

Anyhow.  I've been not here.  I've been really blah.  I have no idea why.  I think Joe is really getting tired of it. I am, but I can't kick it.  I have a couple of days in a row when I feel good, get the house clean, cook a bunch of good things for the kids and make up easy to "cook" stuff for Joe to serve up the kids when I'm at work...and then I go blah and sit around sighing and not doing anything.

well, today is a little better, did my hair and makeup before I got the call, Zber joined me in te bathroom and got a "pretty" in her hair (barrette) and some green eyeshadow on and some chapstick.  she's was strutting her stuff for about 2 min before everything got smeared and the Pretty got pulled out of the hair and found it's way to her mouth.  silly little girl.

Her birthday is next week. I have nothing planned.  I suck.

Friday, January 20, 2012

useful applications of PALS around the home...

so today, Little Z gave momma a retro panic attack.  Why retro?  because I didn't have time to panic during the episode and the Nurse in me kicked into automatic without even thinking...

I made her sausage and fried potatoes for breakfast.  She wasn't really into the potatoes, but she was going nuts on the sausage.  Kept shoving small pieces in her mouth, and then forgot how to swallow correctly.

It was a classic episode of infant choking...hands to the neck, eyes watering, face getting red, no vocal output.  Didn't even blink, just pulled her out of the highchair and started doing the pediatric version of heimlech until there was a lovely spray of half-chewed sausage on the floor and a full volume of crying and wailing. 
after I checked her out and she was all smiles and dimples again, I allowed the panic to emerge.

anyone with small children:  take the time to learn Child & Infant CPR.  it is worth the small fee and day in a classroom setting to have the knowledge and instant reaction to a situation that could be absolutely heartbreaking.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

"happiness prevails!"

(one of my favorite quotes from a villian)  lol

Found out yesterday my mom is going to visit us during Bub's spring break.  SO excited to have her with us for 2 I just have to wait for spring break.  Wish she could be here for Easter, but spring break and Easter don't coincide anymore.  (boo)

Other than that, I've just been keeping on keeping on.  Seems as if I've hit some kind of period of nothingness.  Just don't have the energy or desire to do anything beyond work and making sure the kids are fed on a timely basis...and not just chicken nuggets, hotdogs and ramen which is what they would eat constantly if Joe had his way (oy vey)  I'm trying to kick my own ass and get going, but it just doesn't seem to work.  I'm hoping to turn this around soon....I know Joe is starting to get flustered, and since Zber is turning 2 next month, I can't claim post-partum  blues...not that I would minimize that for ANYONE who suffers that, but it's kinda how I feel lately. 

anyhow, Bub is doing well w/ writing.  he's mastered his alphabet and name, we have at least 5 dry-erase boards for him now of different and varying sizes...but he is still managing to write on the walls.  at least we are able to clean them semi-easily... thank the Lord for whoever invented the magic erasers!! 

Z is enjoying a book we got out of a "Hooked on Phonics" kid (for Bub originally) called "Pop Pop POP!"  It's about ...popcorn.  surprise.  I even got her to say "pop" a couple of times yesterday.  yayee!

Loves and Nubs to all.


Monday, January 02, 2012

new year, and signs of empathy?

Happy New Year.  Sorry December posts lagged a bit.  Was dealing w/ 2 kiddo's that kept passing their tummy and resp. illnesses to each other and to me and Joe.  Plus working. Plus the everyday challenges of life w/ a toddler and a special needs Bub.  But Bub has been doing really well.  He's writing his alphabet correctly and independently, and his name, and number up to at least 30.  He very fascinated w/ writing right now.  It's very rewarding to see this as a parent.

Then there was yesterday morning.  Joe had an ingrown hair on his neck that was starting to look ookie.  I finally convinced him to let me "fix" it so it wouldn't get all infected and gruesome.  So I'm going at this w/ a tissue and tweezers (sterilized....)  and Bub comes in the room and sees me performing this "operation" on Joe and got really upset and tried to push me away from his daddy. If he was talking I'm sure he would have said, "Mommy, STOP hurting Daddy!  You're making him bleed!!!!"  We both tried to tell Bub that I wasn't hurting Daddy and that I was trying to make his boo boo better, but he ran off to his room very disturbed.  After I finished, I went and got 2 bandaids and asked Bub if he wanted to put a bandaid on Daddy's boo boo.  He did!  He put it on very carefully, and then decided he needed one too.  and the once Daddy was better w/ a bandaid, he completely cheered up.

It was really touching to see that he was worried about Joe, and wanted to help him.  Yayee for my Bub.  :)


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