Thursday, September 29, 2011

happy snoopy dance!

So...  I submitted a *mystery* document on Friday.  I got a call back about it yesterday at 4:57..right while I'm getting report.  Of course I am a good little employee and actually FOLLOW the no cell phones on the floor rule.  (I think I am the only one....including my bosses....) so I don't see that I got the call until I took a quick break around 6:45.  I wasn't expecting a response for another week or Yayee me  lol!

I meant to make cabbage rolls last nite before heading to work, I did the cabbage prep-work before I went to sleep yesterday morning, but I got a case of the lazy when I woke up.  It followed me to work, and since I didn't have any emergencies last night, my case of lazies grew.  This is not a good mood to be in when trying to stay awake until biz hours to make a return phone call.  I'm doing the 1st week of experimental Charge Nurse On-call next week, so fitting this in next week may prove problematic, but I am creative and resourceful....and sleep is only for the lazy..right?  oy.

Yesterday Zber fell asleep on the floor 20min before Bub got home from school.  Bub gets home sees her asleep on the floor...guess what he did...  He picked her up, which woke her up, which made her a crabby crab apple.  she's crying her eyes out, and bub is laughing his head off.  So what am I dealing with here?  Is bub laughing because he thinks it's funny he woke her up and she's crabby (cuz momma had that kind of mean streak in her towards HER little brother when I was a kid) OR is this the "inappropriate laughter" that tends to rear it's ugly head in my little man?  either way, it did not help me kick the lazy before going to work. Thank you once again autism for helping to make clear all life's little mysteries.... *insert eyes rolling*

Other than that, once Zber calmed down, the kiddo's were good, and chilled out with me until I had to leave for work.  Joe reported that Zber fell asleep in the hall in front of our room waiting for Joe to put her to bed a half hour after I left, and Bub did 2 more pages of homework. 
Got this from a friend on FB- wish I could credit it- If it's you...I love this sentiment.  :)

Today I have to tackle much:
- call the callback back
- call the pharmacy for Bub's script renewal
- get Bub to Speech therapy
- gear up for tomorrow's double-death session (both kids see the the same time)(I'm going to die)
- other things that my poor lazy and sleep deprived head can't remember at the moment but will come crashing into my brain right as I start to nod off giving me a major adrenaline rush and accompanying panic attack.  blah.

Nite/morning folks.  wish me success?  Nubs!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Meltdown: where the hell did that come from Bub?

Bub had -THE- biggest meltdown I have seen in a VERY long time this afternoon. 

I stayed up very late this morning after work, completing a document I had been working on for over a week.  I passed out on the couch watching Joe play "Angry Birds"....I don't get the allure..

When Bub got home from school around 3pm, I was still passed out on the couch...he attacked me w/ a big ol' smooch on the kisser, so he was in a very good mood.  I still didn't get awake until about 430 tho.  I went outside to grab the mail and heard such screaming coming from inside.

*Sometimes I think our neighbors worry about the noises coming from our house....*

I walk in to find Joe pinning Bub to the couch.  Bub's face is beet red and he's screaming his lungs out.  Joe says he had his back turned for a min, and found Bub attempting to hit Zber.  Obviously Bub and Joe are only intensifying eachother's anger, so I grab bub and convince him to hang out in his room with me.  I locked us both in.  Bub didn't like being locked in his room despite my being in there with him.  He tried to hit me, tried to hit and kick the walls and doors, tried to throw himself on the ground, tried to head-butt me.  I just kept stopping him and tried to distract him with his favorite toys, and getting him to copy momma doing deep breathing while signing "calm down" 

when he stopped screaming so loud and gave up on hurting me or himself, we went to the bathroom to get some APAP meltaways and brushed teeth and did the ACT rinse (tactile stimuli really helps, but it has to be "his" idea these days to make it successful).  so now he's smiling and we make funny faces at eachother in the mirror.

When we leave the bathroom, I announce to Bub that we are going to the kitchen to make his all time favorite dinner of chicken nuggets so he wouldn't remember his angriness and attempt to recapture the mood once he and Z came face to face again.  Momma's rouse was successful, I had bub help me make the nuggets.  He's really good at putting them in the microwave and setting the microwave, but he's always impatient and opens it up before they are done ad tries to eat the "raw" nuggets.

Thankfully, there were no more angry episodes before bedtime, and Bub helped me put new sheets on his bed after he tore his off and flung them on the floor during his meltdown.  He seemed to welcome the idea of bed, and he likes how Momma will play into his ritualistic-ness by setting up his blanket layers exactly right including putting the ani-ooh and camera in his bedding.

I think Zber must have tripped on Bub or did something that physically "hurt" him, because he kept trying to bang a specific body part on me and the walls...he usually only does that when he is actually hurting, not when he is just mad.  I have no idea why it escalated to such a high intensity today tho.  But it is Friday, and I've been at work Tues -Thursday nite. I wonder if this is happening at school.  I'm not getting any notes about it if it is tho.

Joe is worried his resperidone needs to be upped.  I have to remind him that Bub's med doesn't stop the anger and just tends to tone it down a bit so behavioral modifications have a chance to sink in.  my poor bub.  Autism sure can throw a loop on you very unexpectedly.

*FYI- Zber was not hurt by Bub...we keep a VERY close eye on things like this and protect both our children to the highest extent*

Thursday, September 22, 2011

almost finished

only 1 thing to complete before I hit send.  but I'm too tired to think clearly enough to sound rational.  waiting for Zber to fall asleep for her nap so I can collapse on my heating pad and blank out for a few hours.

I have bits and snippets of what to write in y brain.  but is a jumbly riot.  I really NEED to get this done.  *yes I am being vague again on purpose* 

You would think after all the years of reviewing and reading them this would be a snap..but honestly...some of my self-confidence in this area has eroded.  When you spend a few years out of the loop by being in school AND learning how to deal with a child with special kinda become one-tracked for the specific situation I find myself in.  Well, I did.  and still kind of view my life and activities as highly comparmentalized.

It's like I don't mesh with all my faces anymore.  I'm one way with my kids, another w/ Joe, still another at my job (well except with a few exceptional people), but you get the point.  Then again, I'm much more free here in my blog than anywhere else...mainly because I don't have you interrupting me.  lol   *kinda*

still waiting for the yummy (?) bottle of soy formula to work it's magic on Zber.  wish me success in pulling the bits and pieces together in a coherent fashion.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Madness

I'm upset! Joe caught something on Doctor Who today that I missed and shot him down on as silly...but he was right.  WHAT?!!!!  I'm supposed to be the DW nerd in this family..he only got into DW because I watched it all the time in our early years and our apartment was so small he couldn't get away from it...and NOW he's catching things I miss?!?!   NOOOOOOO  say it ain't so.....

I think I have failed in my nerdiness...

But the reference WAS to a Tom Baker episode, and tho I like Tom Baker's Doctor...he's not my favorite..but he IS Joe's maybe that's why he made the connection and I missed it ....5 min into the episode...grrrr.

I keep telling him to keep his mouth shut cuz that's my job.   grrrr   I think playing football today at the family reunion did something to a few knocks to him from the younger cousins....  lol    *kinda*

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

This posting is a real facebook conversation I had

 This posting is a real facebook conversation I had w/ one of my friends from childhood who also has a son with autism.  Names are changed to protect our children, families, and people who don't get it...
Please enjoy the music....
POSTING ON Facebook:
Article: Son with autism elopes, reminds parents to remain vigilant
Holly:   Henry is prone to wandering. This article really explains the fear and panic you go through as a parent. The last time Henry wandered off I found him at the neighbors house. Since we were planning to go there later in the day, it was the first place I looked. I just pray that he doesn't wander again.

    • Muppethead:   Bub wandered off from us once when a bunch of family was visiting. I don't like having lots of people over anymore because of it. Way too distracting to have people to entertain and risk losing track of where he is. I never want to go thru that again.
      41 minutes ago ·

    • Holly:  I feel the same way. I do not have "fun" when we do have people over because I feel that I have to watch Henry the whole time. People probably think I am rude when in mid conversation I bolt because Henry is leaving the room.
      38 minutes ago ·

    • Muppethead:  I know. and then other family members get upset because you don't want to do big reunions or holiday get-togethers. Every time I bring Bub to one I am a mess!
      37 minutes ago ·  

    • Holly:  Yup I totally agree. The work and the emotional toll being out at something like that is so hard to explain. The older Henry gets the less I enjoy hosting Thanksgiving with everyone. It is my favorite holiday, but at 7 Henry can let himself right out of the house with ease. When he was 4 I could lock the door and feel pretty secure he wouldn't get out. No longer.
      31 minutes ago ·

    • Muppethead:  Last Christmas, at grandma's with all the relatives visiting...Bub got so upset he stripped. I was actually happier with that than the time he ran off.
      29 minutes ago · ·

    • Holly:  At Christmas I try to pick a room that can be just for Henry. I take him to that room first and we sit down and talk about our safe room. I tell him that if things are too loud or hurting him that he can go to this room to calm his body and get away from everything. Then when I see things getting too crazy for him, I suggest the room. "Henry do you need to go to the safe room?" He usually replies with a very thankful "yes" and off we go to the safe room. (sometimes I wish I had my own safe room...tee hee)
    • can I take our string of comments and use it as my next blog entry? would you be ok with that
    • Heidi Zetterwall
      47 minutes ago
      that is a-ok with me. I am just hoping my family actually reads it. more specifically my in laws. did I ever tell you that *deleted*  asked me when Henry would be cured?
    • Nina Simpson
      46 minutes ago
      • REALLY?!? Did you tell him Henry will be cured when *deleted's* brain starts working?
      • I would be super upset...
    • Heidi Zetterwall
      45 minutes ago
      HollyI was super upset, but I know *deleted* is just old and doesn't really understand
    • Nina Simpson
      44 minutes ago
      • Back to the reunion- ... watching Bub streak... *I was laughing my ass off on the inside...*
    • Heidi Zetterwall
      43 minutes ago
      but that is exactly what I was thinking, he will be cured when your "foot in mouth" disorder is cured
      that is super funny on the is sometimes nice to be able to look back on it and realize that now people will better understand

    • Nina Simpson
      44 minutes ago
      • I'm sorry you have to go thru that.
    • Heidi Zetterwall
      43 minutes ago
      • good to hear that there is progress
      • I think there is progress with our family too, it goes in spurts
    • Nina Simpson
      42 minutes ago
      • yes. A lot. oddly..I think Henry has helped MY parents better understand what life w/ Bub is like. They tell me about you and Henry a lot. :):)
    • Heidi Zetterwall
      41 minutes ago
      • that is good
      • did they witness the meltdown at Sunday School Rally day on Sunday?
    • Nina Simpson
      38 minutes ago
      • It would only have been Dad. Mom's in CA

    • We go on like this for another hour or so. It's nice to have friends that get it.  that I don't have to go into great and detailed background with...that I can say "elopement" and they say.."Yes!  That happened to us too!  It was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me!!!"  
      Although, I am not happy that this has happened to my friend...I'm just happy I can talk to her and not get the "'s another crazy away" look.
      Gnite folks.  :) 

Monday, September 12, 2011

autism vs neurotypical: Zbear

Last night Zbear was up late bc she didn't get a nap until 2pm D/T church and lunch afterwards.  So I had the rare chance of play w/ just her after Bub went to bed bc he had school in the morning.

What was so wonderful for me is that she understands typical "baby" games.  she had a bath and after I finished drying and dressing her we played tug of war with the towel and chase.  Bub never got those kinds of games until he was much older, like 4 years old, and after much patient teaching, over and over and over.  Bub does get games, but it takes a long long time to get the concept thru to his reality, and communicate the give and take of a game, and the understanding the necessity of taking turns.  Z seems to understand this intuitively.

I know this sounds silly to most other moms, but I never saw this before her.  Bub was so atypical that even tho I read about it in my human development classes, psych classes, and Pediatric Nursing classes, it was my reality and I couldn't really imagine what normal development would look like as a reality.

Later on, we played with a truck, where I would push it to her and she would push it back to me.  Bub still struggles with this game.  He'll capture the truck/ball, maybe push it again, but not to me, off into a corner instead as if to say, "you play the game wrong momma". 

But Zber and I played and played.  Her little laugh brought a lot of sunshine into my heart yesterday.  I thank God for both my kiddos and their strengths and weaknesses.

"That's more Christmas cards for you"

I got home from church and wrote a really bitter hurting blog about a passive-aggressive coward I sorta encountered (they were it wasn't a REAL encounter...just a sorta encounter). Then I saved it into my edit posts and didn't publish it because I felt that in doing so I would be a passive-aggressive coward.  I don't want to be that.  I would like to hope that if I have to say something to someone, I would say it to their face and not hide behind my blog hoping they get it.  I would also hope that I am a big enough person that I could let this go without needing to take a trip to my friendly family doctor to see about getting a Rx to a friendly anti-anxiety pill....but the anxiety and anger and pissiness increases 10fold each week I have a sorta encounter with this person.  I haven't made it a real encounter yet because I don't quite trust myself not to say something mean, cruel, ugly and hateful.  So I do what I always do when I feel this way.  I shut the eff up.and I nod and smile.  and my friends ask me why I'm not getting that friendly Rx for an anti-anxiety pill.

after a while I talked to my Dad.  Now my Dad is the OPPOSITE of passive-aggressive. He "brags" about scaring the crap out of a coworker that called him a "damn Russian" back in the 60s   (although he denies it mostly...he's more proud about being Ukrainian than he lets on...)  and fortunately/unfortunately I take after my Dad, especially in temperament and personality. getting his take helped, although I had to explain to my Dad the equivalent  to him of my complaint would be like people who stop sending him Christmas cards one year and never send them again.  He laughed at that.  That I can make my Dad laugh while I'm all pissy and mad did help me cheer a bit.  but then, Dad and I do best when we sally at each other in mock arguments.  lol.  Mom hates that.  we're shouting and yelling at each other and we mean "I love you" and understand it back from the other.  She gets it, but she doesn't like it.  I don't do that with Mom, just Dad.  Don't even do it with Joe.  When me and Dad start, Joe goes and hides in the corner with Mom and drinks tea with her while she plies him with cookies.  Joe's awesome.  So's Mom.

At least I got to spend some time with my mother in law at church this morning.  That was the only good thing I got out of it this week.  :(

Thursday, September 08, 2011

where will it end?!?

I keep adding more blogs to my reading list.  I started by being interested in some bloggers of the day...then I found some gems with the randomiser at the top "next blog" button when I view my own blog (to make Triple sure that it doesn't look *too* stupid and I caught the majority of my not-on-purpose typos)
(Yes, I do put in on-purpose typos....I am a nerd...with my own personal vocabulary and lexicon... ask Joe...)

then I started finding people on the comments of the blogs I read, because their comment was funny...and reminded me of me. (because I am always surprised that other people have the same type of ideas/reactions I do)

I don't even know these people, but I know more about their current lives than some of the people I actually interact with on a daily basis. (not necessarily calling them "friends", you know?!?)

I do comment sometimes...but typically not. I supposed I must seem to be a random lurker when I show up in their followers queue.

Anyhow....It's Thursday morning...I scammed a paid day off, so I don't have to work today...yayee me!  Bub is going to speech therapy at 9, so I can procrastinate making his allergen free lunch...already fed the kiddos and changed the Zbear's pee-pee diaper.  Rowan is dressed and already snuck outside to jump on the trampoline.

It's cute watching him jump.  He doesn't jump like normal kids with flippies and such...he does a kind of moon-walk around the perimeter of the trampoline.  Once I get a new camera, I'll try to post a clip of it.

Also today, Zbear no longer launches into you if you roar at her.  Now she takes a few steps towards you, then remembers she should be "scared" and then runs away screeching with laughter. silly Zber.

Joe emerged from the bedroom around 615 begging me to make coffee.  poor man, his face looked like a fried could I deny him the coffee.  The kids even went to bed early last night, so I don't know what massacred him...maybe it's the ambiant smoke in the air from all the local wildfires.

I was watching the local news a few days ago, and some yokel said "it's spreading like wildfire".  Really.  wildfire spreading like wildfire....I wonder how many grades you made it thru....  wow.  (hope the guy isn't a relative of one of my friends...sorry if he is,,,ET is kinda small that way...)


Friday, September 02, 2011

autism and sense of humor

Now my Bub likes to play a joke.  he likes to do "slightly" naughty things while he knows you are watching him, all the while grinning like a cheshire cat.  He also will draw silly pictures to make you laugh, put his toys in a weird arrangement to make you laugh, and do a sneak-attack tickle.   Bub loves laughing.

however, Bub is not so good at being the object of a joke from Daddy....  Joe and Bub were outside after school, Bub is bouncing on the trampoline, being a happy bouncy Bub, Joe is working on chain mail.  Joe sees a school bus go by, and sez, "look Bub, the bus is back, it must be time for you to go back to school now, get your backpack."

Bub's retort?  He went screaming into the house like bloody murder and started crying in the bathroom after slamming the door shut after himself.  I thought a bee got him.  poor guy sobbing on my shirt.  Joe comes in and tells me the above.  Really Joe?  You tell him that after the "throw him in the creek" debacle?

Yea for autism making things interpreted literally, and a Joe that wants to joke around with Bub the way his Dad joked around with him.

Joe...just wait for Zbear to get a little older....

Bub was fine after a few min of me explaining school is over for the day, and we counted and named the days off he has until he goes back to school (Tuesday).

Now I just wish I knew why the thought of going to school was so upsetting... hrm.


it's bad when both of us are sleep deprived...

So yesterday, Joe couldn't get Zbear to take her nap until after 2pm...and he chose not to wake her up after I left for she woke up at midnight...spent the rest of the night keeping Daddy awake and crabby, and waited for me to get home (late...thanks Nurse who relieved me....) *insert sarcasm*.

She was all excited for her ba-ba...She even said "Ba-ba!" then ran to the door of our room, waiting for her glorious bottle of soy-formula goodness.  Well, it's 45 min later, she is not asleep yet.  I think I need to get the book "Go the F*ck To Sleep".  I mentioned it to Joe, he has not heard of it yet.  ?!?!?  But he thought it was funny.

Meanwhile, just minuets before I got home, Bub had a coprogenic moment...and I walked in to short-patient daddy cleaning poo off the floor.  What a great way to start Friday...  Bub's in the tub cleaning up.  a short litany of unmentionable oaths streaming from near the floor of Bub's room, and a screamy baby attacking my knee regions.

Oddly, this makes me think of something my wise friend Jon Carlson said to me once when I was 17, and I didn't believe him then...But I TOTALLY get it now...
He said marriages don't last based on love. Commitment makes it last.  At the time, in my HS angst, I thought he was a heartless bastard, and way too jaded being only 19. However...Love does not make it thru poop filled floors, and diapers for 6 years (not fun), and occasional puddles of urine decorating our child's floor, not to mention the infrequent poop murals on the wall.  If all we had was love, we'd be one the the statistic of divorced parents of special needs kids.  Thankfully we have love and commitment.   I used to tell Joe "tough, you're stuck with me" long before Bub came along...I'm glad Joe agrees that I'm stuck with him too.

I love my honey, even when he's washed his hands 3 times and tells me they still smell like poo.



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