Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm home and WTH?

I'm home again, after a 2 day drive in which we stopped in Camden MO, where little Z decided sleep is not an option when you have a hotel room to explore and a TV within reach that is easily turned on and off by a little popitscha.   so momma only got 3.5 hrs of sleep.  yayee me.  shoulda just kept driving.

I am thankful that the situation in MN is much more stable now, and everyone is on the path of recovery and health.  There are enough support systems in place now that I don't think this kind of crisis will blow up again anytime soon.  Hopefully sanity and clear-headedness will prevail.

But as a side, I popped up my stats, do you know what post has been most viewed while I was gone?!?   this one: random microbiology comment

It is such a stupid and short post, but I'm getting random viewers from Russia, Iran, Cambodia, etc..  I don't get it.  I put a comment up on it to see if people will comment where they are from when they view it..I am kinda curious why they are even googling it.  the strangeness of people other than me mystifies me.

gonna go, Bub needs to be monitored during his 5 min time out for climbing up the bookcase.


Monday, May 23, 2011

homeward bound

Leaving for the great north state in a few min.  Lots of issues happening w/ my family up north, and the time is now for me to be there too. 

I am very thankful my boss had no problem letting me have the time off.  I really appreciate her even tho I hardly ever see her and the things she does.  she must have a hard job at times.  anyhow, I am glad my work is more or less on my way b/c I have to fill out a form to get my Vac time applied to this situation.

I guess we will just have short trips this year and wait for next year for a family vacation.

Pray for a safe journey for me and my Z, and pray that Bub is good to his daddy while I'm gone.  :)


I made it.

Got thru a crappy 3-day rotation.  feels like it was much longer.  I'm really glad I have a few days off...but it's not enough.  I am really tired and feel bad that I haven't been able to write for the past few days.  All I could make myself do during my off-time this rotation was sleep and stare vacantly at the TV.  Bub tried to get me to play w/ him a couple of times, but I only had the drive to give him a half-hearted attempt at play.  That made me feel REALLY crappy.  He doesn't always seek someone to play WITH him. 

Well, I got his breakfast and Lunch all made for school, got some hugs and kissies and a mini-tickle-time; so he's happy with me, and Zber will be home from Grandma's when I wake up, and I'll get Z smooches (she opens her mouth and rubs it on my cheek, very wet and messy!)  And Joe is being the "good Husband" and not stressing me about anything.  :)  gotta love the "good Husband" mode.  lol

Nite folks,


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

you give me fever...

Was watching muppet shows lately, and saw Rita Moreno sing "Fever" w/ Animal.  pretty funny, but not so funny here at home.

Zbear is still suffering a fever, so far the pattern is: happy cool baby in the morning, fine all afternoon...come 7pm, temp shoots up past 101.  my poor sweet cheerribub.  She actually just wanted to snuggle on my chest and rest (NOT sleep tho),  she hasn't done that since she weaned herself at 10mo.  (Momma's still a little bitter about her weaning herself so early...)

Momma sang her songs and then watched the arts channel after my voice started know, cuz I sing so much nowadays...yeah.    Then my Mom called and the phone ringing startled the bejankers out of her.  So instead of being cute sad hot baby, she quickly turned into grumpy mad hot baby.

It was time for her next dose of APAP, made her a bottle of pedialyte and popped her back into her crib.  I've heard no complaints so I am sure she is fast asleep.  Have my A/C on to 74.  I am FREEZING...but I will pay the slightly higher electricity bill and wear a sweater in May if it keeps my little Zber comfy.


and so it goes

 Now that Bub is better and back in school, Zbear is sick.  I suspect she's finally coming down w/ 5th's too, she's had a fever for the past 2 days...yesterday it was getting high, but Momma knows how to manage a temp.  3 years ago I'd be freaking out and calling the Nurse-line every few hours, needing assurances that I'm doing the right thing, making sure I don't need to make a midnight-madness run to the local ER.  Now?  APAP, tepid bath, pedialyte, jello, popsicles,  A/C on, Baby Einstein droning...  I'm not even phased by this.

I'm waiting for the rash to start.  I suspect the rash will appear once the fever breaks.  my poor poor cheerribubs, I'm sure this is the 1st of many shared illnesses.  at least they share, right?


Monday, May 16, 2011

so tired

This won't be long, and I prolly won't link it.  Just woke up, called my Mom for an update on the MNcrisis.  things are stable for now.  Mom has a bunch of her Hmong Ministry friends over helping so she can rest a little for the first time since this all started.  Those women are incredible.  I love that cultural mind-set and miss being near it.

Anywho, I work tonight, I'm really tired even tho I got a good 7 or 8 hours sleep.  But before I can go to work, I have to pay some bills.  blah.  Why can't bills just magically disappear or at least take care of themselves.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

New plan

Today we actually did a family activity together.  I'm really impressed since it started as a suggestion from me that was answered by a "we'll see" which then launched an argument that culminated into me getting really mad and going to bed to take an angry nap.

Angry naps are not very restful....just saying.

after I woke up, I was still mildly angry, but was surprised because Joe was all ready to go for a walk down the long trail in town.  ok.  this is good.

Bub started off by running down the path while I was trying to get Z in her stroller, Joe took off to catch him.  Bub spent the first 5 min of the walk running up ahead (followed closely by Joe) and then running back to me...until he came to the 1st bridge over a creek.  He sees the creek and freaks out and runs past me.  Joe will never catch up to him, so I quickly lock Z's stroller and shout to joe to get her and I take off after Bub.  It has been a LOOOONG time since I could sprint...but sprinted I did.

*begin side-story*
See, Bub has a deeply rooted fear of creeks that started a few months ago.  We were at the Butcher Shop restaurant w/ the grandparents, and it was more crowded than usual, so Bub was overstimulated and acting out.  Joe took him outside to wait for the rest of us to finish...on the side of the restaurant is a creek.  Apparently Joe thought it would be funny to joke around with Bub and tell him he was going to toss him in the creek.  Funny how that moment was an autism moment when Bub took Joe literally....funny, funny, funny.  So Bub is now terrified of creeks and is certain that Joe is going to throw him into the creek and must run away Monty Python style. 
*end side-story*

So Momma convinces her Bub that NO ONE is going to toss him in the creek and asks him if wants to be a "Big Boy" and help momma push Zbear's stroller.  Once again happiness prevails.  We walked until we got to a playground and then let the kiddo's play on the slides and explore.  they loved it.  I forgot to bring my camera.  I suck.

After the play break, I was afraid Bub may not want to walk back to the car, being shagged out and all.  But no, he was all for pushing the stroller.  Joe and I had determined not to say anything about the creek as we passed it, but Bub noticed it and jumped up on me until we passed it by.  I guess he figures if he's on Momma, Daddy won't DARE toss both of us in the creek.  wow.

It was such a fun walk we are planning to do it again, hopefully every afternoon after Bub gets home from school on the days I don't work.  I hope we stick to that plan.  :)


Saturday, May 14, 2011

autism and doctor visits

Yeah, you would think I would be able to prep my Bub for doctor visits pretty well considering I'm a nurse and all, right?  WRONG!!!!

As some of you know, Bub was looking like he had fifth's disease again, and had missed 3 days of school, so we go to the dr.'s .

before we go, we practice

take temp

open up and say "Ahhh"

look at ears.

listen to heart

He cooperates w/ momma, so we get ready to go.  Bub is very excited to take a ride, but when we get to the Doctor's office, Bub knows EXACTLY where he is....building of DOOM!

This is quite similar to Bub's expression once he realizes we are at the Dr office...
he doesn't want to get out of the car.  he doesn't want to go inside.  in the waiting room, he keeps trying to make a great escape out the door.  then we're called in and put in a exam room.  Bub is making lots of vocal stims and spanking himself.  I try to convince him to rub his bottom instead of hitting it.  he compromises by flopping on the floor and scooting his butt back and forth.  the horrible part of me thinks he looks like a dog w/ worms doing the butt-scrape thing....maybe the self-spanking stim is better for now?  sigh.
To stop this stim, I grab 3 tongue depressors, 1 for each of his hands and one for momma.  we practice opening up and saying "ahh"  Bub thinks this is fun.

then the lady comes in to take his V/S.  Bub is automatically wary.  He won't let her take the temporal temp, so I do it.  he grudgingly lets us put the probe on his finger to get his pulse and SpO2...after 3 attempts.  then off to the scales.  Bub is terrified of scales.  I have no idea why unless he is still associating it w/ getting weighed and fingersticked for hemoglobin at WIC, but we stopped doing that before he was I have no other idea why this is scary to him.  finally I say, let me hold him, and get on the scale then put him down so you can get an accurate weight that way.  Joy joy, I get to see I gained 7 lbs.  yayee me.

so now Bub is freaked, and we go back to the exam room by ourselves.  We start counting to 10, because that is calming to Bub, then we start naming/signing animals...another good time-passing calmer.  then the NP comes in, and Bub has instant wariness.  She smiles at him, he smiles back and makes a break for the door.  Bub's no fool, he know what comes next.

The NP and I talk for a few min about Bub's presentation and my guess of what's wrong.  She then shows Bub her stethyscope, Bub likes that, she lets him listen to his heart, then he lets her listen to his heart/lungs.  then she gets the otoscope.  No dice.  Bub starts screaming.  I try to hold him still, she gets one ear...I've got Bub pinned to the wall and the floor and she still can't get to the other ear.

So she goes to get reinforcements.  I have Bub's trunk and arms, another RN has Bub's legs, the V/S chick has his head.  Not only are we able to get a sight on the other ear, someone manages to strep-swab his throat as he is screaming in protest to the restraints we have all become.  I'm actually really impressed they GOT the swab.

Everybody lets go of Bub at this point and my poor boy collapses face-first into my shoulders, sobbing like we just beat him up.  It always breaks my heart that these visits have to be so traumatizing for him.  He then starts the self-spanking again.  I take this opportunity to point out the behavior and ask for meds to help or to get a referral to someone who is qualified to prescribe and monitor behavioral meds.  Bub is calming down and sitting on my lap, eying the NP w/ great suspicion.  I get the referral, the strep-swab result is negative. so we get to leave the exam room.  I tell Bub to sign thank you and good-bye, which he is MORE than happy to do since he knows his time in the torture chamber is now over.

We go to the business desk to pay, Bub is practically running to get away and because he remembers that there be lollipops on the business desk.  Bub doesn't even ask for candy, he starts reaching for the jar of lollies, so I stop him and make him sign "candy please".  He signs "cookie please".   really?  Dude, you know the difference...who do you think you are trying to fool?   After a quick correction, he gets it right and picks out a red dum-dum.  the lady at the desk offers him two stickers, his choice between iron man and Gweneth Paltrow is the sticker of Gweneth....maybe he does get the "hot chick" thing after all....hrm.....

Bub is so happy to be leaving the Doctor office of Doom that he willingly holds the door for some lady when Momma asks him to be a gentleman.  it was pretty cute. 

then he fell asleep in the car on the way home, so exhausting was the appointment.  poor kiddo.  I wish this was so much easier for him, but it's not.


Friday, May 13, 2011

moral query

So it is airing dirty laundry to talk about the troubles happening in your extended family, or is it a matter of a burden shared is a burden lessened.  I'm not sure.

right now my half of the family is going through much turmoil and pain.  I'm half ready to pack a bag and head up I-35, it'll only take about 15-19 hours if I leave the kids w/ Joe.  Parents are saying I don't need to they are ok.  but I worry that they aren't.  Dad's got a really bad bronchial infection.  they called me last night asking what kinds of meds they should ask his doctor for, for the symptoms he's having.  w/ all the respiratory infections my kiddo's at work get, that wasn't very hard...and they pretty much got all of them today when they called his doctor...except the Dr prescribed a corticosteroid...I didn't suggest that because I would think his immune system is already shot right now and why add more risk, but then again, the pain reduction corticosteroids provide short-term IS really kick-ass.  Dad says he's feeling better, but still, I worry about them  Mom is 30 years older than me, and Dad is 34 years older.  they shouldn't have to deal w/ this crap at their age.

I know I'm being vague about what the crap is exactly...I'm doing that on purpose.  sorry.  I haven't decided yet if I want to disclose the whole story.  I haven't decided if that is ok or not, hence my moral query.  but man, this affects me too, and part of me feels like I should have the opportunity to talk about it openly and hopefully get input from others who have gone thru similar situations, but then again, I really do know how important it is to maintain the privacy of others.  so I'm stuck, and I'm vague.  and I hate it.

it's hard to believe it is coming to this.  I never in a million years would expect this to be the current reality.  I feel so helpless living so far away.  I really love my life in TX, but if this kind of crisis continues, I really think we have to consider moving closer.  and I have to get my ass going on finishing my BSN, cuz my RN license won't work in MN. boo!  WI maybe I'll be renewing my WI driver's license did have a hot picture of me from my late 20's lol!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

drama drama drama

why is it when primarily women work together there is never-ending drama? 

I don't get it.  I really don't.  I firmly believe sometimes you have to suck it up and get the job done.  then when you get home b*** all you want to anyone who will listen....but at work?  in front of everyone?  ALLLLLLLL the time?  really?  that's how you want to play?  really.  alrighty then.

I'm not going to go into details, but once again the mad rumor mill is going on at work....I'm one of the subjects.  I don't especially care.  the rumor is stupid and wholey untrue and trite, so have at it folks.  I'm just going to work by my med cart and laugh at the stupidity of you quietly to myself.  that and shake my head. 

  cuz I do that REAL good.


Tried to find a picture of me lmao, but they are on my broken PC that Joe is attempting to recover for me.  We'll get them soon.  I have all faith in my Joe  :)


Monday, May 09, 2011

Mother's day encounter

Landon- happy 5th day of life.

My prayers go to your momma, she's not out of the woods, from what you're daddy told me, it sounds like your momma was going thru pre-eclampsia and is not out of the woods yet.

Rewind.  I went to the EZ mart around 1 or 2 am to get some gas and crackers on my break.  the guy working had just stepped outside when I pulled up.  since I was paying cash I got out of my car and started walking to the store.  he started to put out his cigarette,  I told him not to, that I know the store policy won't let him stay outside to smoke if a customer goes inside, so I'd just wait for him to have a smoke cuz I know they don't get many chances during the night as they are the only 24-hr joint in town.  He wished me a happy mother's day and told me that he just became a dad 3 days ago.
prolly cuz I was wearing my "charge nurse" name tag on (that and everyone at work goes there at least once a week) he started telling me the tale of the health problems his wife is enduring after the birth of their son.  I felt really bad for him.  here he is a new dad, his son & wife are in the hospital w/ complications, and he isn't on paternity leave or anything, just working and getting calls from the nurses at the hospital to give him updates on his family.
I'm really glad I didn't make him put out his cigarette.  he REALLY needed it.

I'm really thankful for my kids and that Joe was able to take time off after each of them were born. 
I really hope Landon and his momma get to come home soon.


Saturday, May 07, 2011


foolishly agreed to pick up a shift on Thursday->Friday.  one of my kiddo's sneezed in my face b4 I had time to duck (ew) and got sicky from it..  got a 2 hour nap in Friday morning before hauling my butt to Bub's school's alternative to special olympics because I promised I would be there, and Joe did not show any interest in coming w/ Zber.  So here I go, w/ no make-up, eye bags down to my knees and a sniffly sneezy nose.  I bet you I could've won a few beauty awards...
Poor Bub was having a hard time, kept hitting himself.  I ended up sitting w/ him and letting him look at the pictures on my camera.  He did do most of the activities, but was happiest when we left the noisy, busy, crowded gym in a school he'd never been to before....yeah.
So I spent the rest of the day sleeping the crud off...thought I was feeling better, but really wasn't.  am about to go to bed and hope I feel up to work tomorrow...cuz I'm scheduled a 4-day rotation.  I just want to cry.

here's to a night of healing sleep please.


Wednesday, May 04, 2011

time for medication?

Ok- I'm putting it out there.
Joe & I have been seriously talking about doing some trials of medications for Bub's behaviors.  For the past 3 months be has begun behaviors of self-abuse, and aggression towards others, mainly towards Joe and I, and started tantruming again..  The realistic part of me and the clinical part of me know that once a behavior begins, it is likely to continue despite my wishing it wouldn't.  This is sucky.  I really hoped medication would not be in my vocabulary for my Bub.  I really was hoping non-pharmaceutical interventions would be enough.  unfortunately, I am rethinking this position.  boo.

I got a call from Bub's Occupational Therapist today.  We have been talking w/ him lately about Bub's progress.  well, really it's been a lack of progress for the past 90 days.  At least he hasn't been regressing...I'd be crying my eyes out over that.  So we are taking a 6 mo break from OT starting today.  He'll still be getting OT at school, and since he qualifies for Extended School Year (ESY) and it is one-on-one unlike his school supplied Speech Therapy which is a group setting; he'll be getting it thru school during this time.
     But I'm pretty depressed about taking a break.  I mean, yes, it's that much more money we'll be saving because therapy is %*&@#! expensive even WITH insurance.  Let's just say I could easily spend half my monthy salary on Bub's therapy.  But it's not about the money, it's about what is best for Bub.  If he is getting more frustration from OT than success/help, then it is better to take a pause and let him mature.  It's just kinda heart-breaking, you know?
     And then I worry about the hassle I'm going to have to go thru to get him back into therapy after 6 months.  I'll have to get a new script from his pediatrician, which will probably include a yearly physical and the yearly lecture on how the CDC recommends Bub having these particular vaccines at this particular time.  Yeah, I know ALL about the CDC.  the CDC can bite me cuz here in Texas, -I- can decide what vaccines my kids get and when, thanks to my philosophical exemption that I keep up to date.  If you don't like it, I will take my medical business elsewhere. 
     So after I deal w/ his pediatrician and the yearly vaccine lecture....then I will have to tackle my insurance co to make sure they will cover it...the whole proverbial, "you stopped doing it, so why start back again?  Is this REALLY medically necessary".  are you serious?!!???!
     Then after that, I will have to have Bub have another OT assessment to find his baseline and then find out what his goals are and then hope he starts making progress again. Bub does not deal well with testing environments....yayee me.

So I'm thinking this might be a good time to start the discussion w/ his pediatrician about meds.  I know risperidone and seroquel can be very helpful.  I have seen them in action on other kids.  I'm also reading up on Abilify which has recently been approved for kids with autism.  Out of the three, Abilify seems to have the least scary side-effects.

This is a crappy situation to be in, and a crappy thing to think about, and a crappy thing to live.  I'm feeling pretty crappy if you haven't guessed.


Monday, May 02, 2011

me and my mixups

Direct quote from me not 2 hours ago...

"Yeah, I think I might be ordering a X-chest ray tonight"

This is only after 12 hours in a 3 day rotation.

Lord love me, help me make sure I don't forget to bring coffee with me tonight....



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