Monday, December 14, 2015

Birthday

Today is my sister's birthday.  I haven't talked to her since July when I let her know our cousin died.  It was an awkward conversation.  When I tried to call her again to let her know the details, I went straight to voice mail.  Every call since then has gone to voice mail.  None of my emails have been answered.  I have no idea how she is, or my brother-in-law, or my two nieces.

I spent the last two weeks trying to shop for something for her birthday, but everything I saw that I thought would be cute or useful, I kept thinking, "no, she'll find this aspect of it inappropriate"  or  "she doesn't allow images of *insert random animal/picture* in her home b/c *random ideation*".  So now I'm sitting here on her birthday not knowing what to do.

My uncle called me a few weeks ago asking what I thought would happen if he just showed up on her doorstep for Thanksgiving.  I felt like an eight-ball..."outcome does not look good"  But really, what else is there to conclude?

I watch my friends and their older sisters,  it doesn't seem like it has to be this terrible, but it is.  It mostly has been my whole life.  There have been brief periods when things between us were good, but one or the other of us said or did something stupid and it all crashed down again.  I like to think I didn't do the stupid things mostly, but I'm sure she thinks the same thing. 

This whole thing is really depressing me.  I didn't really get into Thanksgiving this year, and I'm not into Christmas at all.  I keep seeing commercials of families together, re-creating pictures from childhood.  I just start crying.  I found a family picture of all of us together from my wedding 15 years ago.  That is the last time we were all together.  I don't think we ever will be again.  I don't think I will ever have another family picture with the 5 of us.  I'm crying about it as I write. 

It's like she's already dead, but she's not.  But her absence is like she is.  It's like I'm already grieving for her even though she is still alive.  But it's like she isn't. 

I don't think I'm going to call after all.  My heart can only take so much breaking right now.


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