Saturday, June 30, 2012

autism and being a mom

I stole/copied/borrowed this from my longtime friend and fellow autie mom Jigglypuff:
Autism Strong Mom

At first I was scared and I cried.
And than I looked around.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Autism they said.

Everything seemed different.
But nothing really changed.

He was still my child.
I was still his mom.

Now I no longer cry.

I am an Autism Strong Mom. 

* from the Four Sea Stars Facebook page
This kinda thing upsets me.  I know that seems weird cuz it's obviously supposed to inspire strength and hope and all that jazz.  Not me, don't know why, maybe because I have grown cynical in my 30s, maybe because I cultivated a sarcastic bend in my 20s, who knows, but this pisses me off.
I have yet to met a single autie parent that "no longer cries"  BULL SHIT.  if they put that out they are LYING!!  they are a dirty lying cheat.  or they are the "refrigerator moms" pop psychology believed in for so long.  or they have a crippling addiction to *numbing drug of choice*. 
I will say this and I will stand by it.  No matter how much you love your child, no matter how strong you get, you will cry, you will be angry, you will blame yourself, you will blame your spouse, you will blame anything that makes any kind of reasonable case to have brought this onto your child, you will be flustered, you will be reduced to a crying sobbing heap of person from time to time because of autism.
It won't last.  you will feel better mostly.  Life will become the new normal.  there will be lots of happiness and laughter and love and understanding.  You will feel "autism strong mom"  but it is transitory.  you will only feel it on the "good" days.  
I hope I am not crushing some poor mom who just got a diagnosis and is trying to find something/anything to help her get thru the transition of diagnosis to acceptance.  I don't want to crush you, but neither do I want to lie to you and make you feel like a failure if you don't achieve this level of ...whatever the hell it's trying to set.  Good LORD we have enough problems learning to help our kids, do we have to put up some unrealistic level of acceptance for each other and wave it around other's faces to make us feel better about ourselves while crushing others???  don't we have enough to do other than play HS games?!?   f-that.

I love my son, and I still cry, and I am strong because I'm honest about it.


Friday, June 29, 2012


sorry, I've been kinda down, and kinda tired, and kinda overworked (by choice).  kinda had Bub throwing toys at me.  Kinda had family stuff to do.  Kinda felt like my life is being sucked out.

Joe's in the same "kinda" mode...only he doesn't leave the house to be overworked, he's overworked IN the house and leaves the house to relax.  I try to not leave the house if I don't have to work.

I've been really bummed out.  pretty much have been operating on: work, pass out, spend an hour with the kids while I try to wake up, work, rinse-repeat.

Yesterday Joe convinced me I need to leave the house, and the kids were bouncing off the walls *really*  so we got chinese buffet, Bub picked nuggets, shrimpies, fries, and an egg roll.  and grapes.  and jello.  Zbug was stealing Bub's jello.  Zbug wouldn't eat her ice cream.  Zbug only ate the jello and some grapes (also stolen from Bub).  I think Bub's shrimpies had milk in the coating bc Bub started the "inappropriate laughter" routine while we stopped in at payless to get Joe some tennis shoes and Zbug a new pair of  "Pretty" shoes, and the only pair that currently fits is her tennis shoes that light up.  while she greatly enjoys her flashy shoes, it doesn't really go well with her Sunday dresses.  so after sizing her (I worked shoes in HS, so I do this myself since sales-people and my offspring do not mix well)  I found several "pretty" and pink-colored shoes and laid them out for Z to examine.  she was torn between a pair of Disney(c) sandals that lit up.....some glitter shoes and then the new shoes that she picked......
Rejected by Zber

Rejected glitters
Dorothy Gale shoes rejected *sniff*

Her brand new "PRETTY!!!" shoes.

Crap. I just noticed, Why are all the model shoes size 7????

So the feeling I get about my youngest is that she likes pretty girly stuff, but it better be functional, tough, and easy to put on.

Bub got nothing except mommy drag-pulling-carrying him out of the store as he tried to put shoelaces up his nose while laughing   Joe and Zbug completed the purchase.  we got home, and both kiddos were put to bed.  Zbug slept in her new shoes despite my repeated attempts to sneak in and remove them.  Joe thinks this is funny as he accuses me of being a "shoe-girl".

I was a "shoe-girl" once, but I have like 4 pairs now...(excepting my work shoes) and they are all over 4 years pair is around 15years old since it predates Joe.  Maybe I am a shoe-girl since I still own them.......but they are really cool....

Despite the lack of new shoes for Bub yesterday,  my son was HUGELY happy with the set of Hanes(c) Boxer-briefs I bought him this morning.  so happy that he pee'd on the floor enough times to be able to wear each pair today, thus modeling each color and "breaking them in" simultaneously.

yayee me.

Joe is currently out at the health club working off some steam, which will be followed by a round of beer at the local wetting hole with some buddies.  all that male-bonding stuff or something since there are no coffee-houses here with random jazz/poetry sessions for him to attend....(that gen-x stuff....)

I however will find my trusty benedryl and snuggle up with that.  In rock-paper-scissors, benedryl beats coffee.  I have yet to find anyone to argue otherwise.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...