Sunday, March 04, 2012

Another pleasant valley sunday

So, today I gave Joe the ultimatum talked Joe into going to Church.  I sometimes think going to Church is harder on Joe than me for some reason that I have yet to uncover.  Grandma & Grandpa were there along with Cousin K.  Zbear was really excited to see Cousin K and kept yelling her name all around the foyer and wouldn't get out of the doorway so other people could get in.  (#1 of "really?!?")

Bub was pretty excited too.  I had him come over to say hi to one of the ladies that has always taken a very kind and caring interest of Bub, and he came over ("really?!?" #2) and dashed away making Momma (me) chase him up the alter area.  So I guess he didn't want to say "hi".  Puff.

then "really?!?" #3- during announcements, he did it again.  yeah.  But it was ok.  no one flipped out at us.

Now, for some heart-wrenching confessions:
one of my previously unpublished and untalked about reasons for avoiding going to church was right in my face today.  I have been praying a lot about forgiving such a small thing, but it was really hurtful to me and I have been having a very difficult time letting go, and it has been one of the reasons Joe and I have not been going to Church for a while. (FYI- Joe likes to give in to me when he can)
Background ramble:
A person did a small thing in June when I was really emotionally fragile after a very hard event at work, but at the time I felt really betrayed because of it.  I had really loved this person and looked up to her.  and I really don't even know why she did what she did, and I suspect by the way she was acting today she doesn't even realize she hurt me.  But hurt I was, and it was kind of ironic because some long time before June I had spent time trying to build her (the person that hurt me) up after she had been hurt by someone else who (now seeing in perspective) probably had no idea that she had hurt the first person in the first place. 

(you try writing about convoluted crap without naming names and see how clear you can be....)  

Anyhow, so I had decided to not go to that particular Church for a awhile because I was angry and hurt and didn't feel that I would have a heart of worship if I was there and seething about this person, nor did I feel that I had my hurt enough under control to confront this person in a loving way.  I was feeling very unloving towards her.  I had tried to go to Church, and all I could do was feel mad and not concentrate on the service and stare at her back and hair and be angry and think very unkind thoughts.  Made me feel like a hypocrite.  I hate hypocrites.
At least I have enough right about me to have realized I was not right in this.  So in my patented way of dealing with emotional baggage that overwhelms me, I ran away.  Yes, apparently I can read Jonah, and it can be my favorite and the most meaningful book in the OT to me, and Yes, I apparently learn nothing from it- or I should say, I learn the WRONG thing from it.
We tried going to other Churches, but they didn't feel right.  yet another little voice saying, "nina, you are a dumbass.  deal with the problem, stop running away"

So today, day 1 dealing with the problem.  I was polite.  I didn't sit behind her.  I focused on the message.  I had my usual little thought about how I wished they didn't play music during the prayer because it distracts me.  She came up and hugged me and told me she missed me.  I smiled and said "thanks" and got a little less bent out of shape, and felt a little less like a hypocrite.  I'm still trying to decide how I want to confront her about hurting me, but at least I don't feel as angry as I did, and maybe some love is creeping back in.

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